Arrrrgh, matey!

With this blog post, tales of the Princess and Hero's vacation are officially ended. Readers, however, are warned to expect occasional vacation references to appear in future posts, such as pirate talk. This arises from the many exposures to pirates during their vacation, such as having their kayak suddenly boarded and overrun with...just kidding! No direct contact with pirates occurred in the course of this vacation.

But the Princess and Hero did visit a shipwreck museum, which, in the absence of many substantial artifacts from actual shipwrecks in the area, consisted mainly of pirate displays. The Hero, in particular, was much taken with the pirate displays, and was in admiration of the pirates' alleged democratic ways. We learned that pirates have been much maligned in popular culture; for instance, they did not, in general, make offenders walk the plank, as commonly believed, much preferring instead to maroon them on a deserted island, with no food, water, or Starbucks, and NO telemarketer block.

But perhaps we are too hasty in saying the shipwreck museum lacked substantial shipwreck artifacts. No doubt it is the only shipwreck museum in the country, or even the world, displaying a genuine Dorito bag rescued from a terrible wreck just off the shore of the Outer Banks. Blackbeard and his pirates, who frequented the waters in this area, no doubt would have gladly marooned their own mothers for the chance to raid a Dorito-bearing ship.

This vacation included many other pursuits. For instance, a conveniently located coffee house offered an oasis of rest from our exhaustive readings on pirate brutality and Dorito catastrophes. Several afternoons we sat in the cafe in calm contemplation of life, blissfully unaware that right across the street mass carnage of another, more modern type was being committed. We gradually became aware of a large crowd gathered at a stand there, and thinking that something important might be going on, such as they were offering free food, we wandered over.

There was food, alright. But this food had, not very long before, been swimming out in the nearby waters, free and happy. At this stand it was being reduced to fish parts. We had also been right about the free food. One man popped a fish part in his mouth, right there in front of us, with no benefit of heat, no cook fish for 5 to 7 minutes, turning once, until flesh flakes easily. Disturbingly, no one else but me saw anything wrong with this. Sure, nothing happened to the man then. But who knows what malady of the brain, what disturbance of the personality, may have happened upon him later. The Hero appeared much interested in these happenings and was fortunate that I was there to rescue him from a similar fate.

In some ways it was a relief to come home and escape the ever-present dangers there -- pirates, raw fish, raw Doritos floating on the open ocean. But we heartily recommend this vacation nonetheless. Aye!

Up, up, and...splat

As we have seen, a beach vacation is filled with many exciting things to do and see, especially if you have selective amnesia regarding previous boating experiences. But there is no need to leave land to experience adventure and challenge. You can have all this and more right on the beach, for just $21.99 (plus tax), as you set up your beach cabana.

A beach cabana is a larger, more pretentious cousin of the lowly beach umbrella, and announces to everyone that a) you are at the beach, where sun and wind are plentiful, and b) you want as little personal contact with the sun and wind as possible. With a beach cabana you can still have all the comforts of the beach -- sand between your toes, in your bathing suit, in your hair, etc. -- without, say, having to view any offensive Speedo events.

There is a knack to properly setting up your beach cabana. If you figure it out, let us know. Just kidding! Of course we know how to set up our beach cabana. We merely chose, for the sake of the entertainment of those around us, to act like we had no idea what to do with it. To make this illusion more complete, we always chose to set it up during hurricane-force winds. That way, as we were struggling, people could say to themselves, "Well, I'm sure they would have had it up in 3 minutes, but in this wind...." They could also say many other things to themselves about us, no doubt.

Now, you can avoid many problems in the set-up of your cabana by simply purchasing one that costs closer to what you pay for a typical Manhattan townhome, but you are at the beach. You are roughing it. You are a rugged individualist. You are cheap.

It is helpful, but not necessary, to read the instructions as you go along, which will give you helpful tips such as "Do not set up indoors, or outdoors." I actually saw this instruction on another product several years ago, and I always wondered whether it was one of those philosophical conundrums, like maybe the answer was that you were supposed to set it up in a doorway so that it was neither outside nor inside.

But back to the cabana. If for some reason you don't have the instructions, or you are a rugged individualist and you refuse to read them, all is not lost. Just start poking rods wherever you see an opening in the fabric, then scratch your head a few times, and other beachgoers will gradually start drifting your way to help you.

It is very important, as the instructions will tell you, to properly anchor your stakes into the sand. The instructions are less helpful in telling you what to do when you lose the stakes in the sand. Not that this happened to us, of course. But if it had, we could take comfort in knowing that someday, archaeologists exploring the area might happen upon our missing stakes and spend several head-scratching minutes figuring out what kind of idiots lose their tent stakes in the sand.

According to the instructions, once you get to a certain step in setting the cabana up, the rest of it should just pop into place, without much effort on your part. Theoretically at this point you should have a domed-shape tent, like a bandshell. Practically, it may somewhat more resemble a bedraggled raincoat slung over a chair, propped up by a broom.

Once you have successfully raised your cabana -- and it may take a village to do so --give yourself a pat on the back and take a well-deserved rest. You'll need it, because by the time you get the cabana up it will be dark and time to leave the beach.

But take heart. There is always tomorrow! With more hurricane-force winds in the forecast.

Please fasten your sanity

Our catamaran and kayak adventures, though fraught with danger in the form of excessive personal contact with nature, nevertheless spurred us into engaging in further boating adventures on our vacation. These included a ride on a Jet Ski, more generically known as a "personal watercraft," which sounds like something to fold up and put in your pocket to carry around for convenient, instant use: "Oh, look, here's some water. Let's get out our personal watercraft."

The Jet Ski is more affectionately known by me as the Ride of Terror.

My only previous experience on a Jet Ski, with a friend, involved a very comfortable, safe ride, as if we had been charged with safely transporting several cartons of eggs across the lake. I therefore thought it would be fun to do again and, moreover, for an entire hour. My reasoning was that we would ease into things, spending the first 52 minutes or so conducting, at a very low rate of speed, a detailed introduction to our assigned area ("This is Buoy #1, here's Buoy #2, and hello, Buoy #75").

This introduction would also involve an examination of underwater maps to check for possible obstructions ("You say a four-inch log was completely submerged at this spot outside the boundary in 1987? Has anyone checked it since then to see if it has migrated into the potential path of a Jet Ski?"). We would also perform a detailed examination of the machine itself, including all maintenance records since its purchase, and scrutinize accident and dismemberment records.

If at the end of this safety check I was assured that we had a good chance of coming out of this experience alive, we would have, oh, 7 or 8 minutes left for actual drive time, which would be conducted at about 8 miles an hour, should we be overtaken by a fit of risk-seeking behavior.

Before taking the Jet Ski out, of course, we had to agree, in writing, that we would not hold the rental place accountable should we happen to become deceased in the process of riding their machine. Nowhere on that release form, however, did it even hint that operating the machine might, under certain circumstances, such as that you are male, result in a personality change so complete as to render you indistinguishable from a madman.

Immediately after leaving the No Wake area, the Jet Ski, with Joe at the helm and me as passenger, began swerving and pitching, speeding across the waves at a rate of speed approaching and overtaking the sound barrier, the light barrier, the space-time barrier, etc., leaving in its wake all my detailed safety examinations. I began to believe that we were being attacked by some large, malevolent marine creature bent on our destruction.

It is a good idea, in these situations, to work out ahead of time some sort of communication method with your partner, so that when you squeeze his midsection so hard his life jacket is in danger of combusting, he does not interpret this to mean you wish him to a) go faster or b) turn harder. Joe was very sensitive to my communication, interpreting any signal I tried to give him as c) go faster AND turn harder, and soon I gave up trying to communicate anything except the wish to my Creator to stay on this earth a while longer. At the end of the ride I saw immediately that we should have taken the optional insurance for surgically removing a passenger's fingers from the driver's waist.

Though Joe expressed disappointment that our personal watercraft did not get airborne enough to qualify as an aircraft -- an observation about which we have some disagreement -- I encouraged him to look on the positive side. At least we were going way too fast for any nature to catch up to us.

Blackbeard and hammocks

On our vacation we took a little break from our hectic boating schedule to visit Ocracoke Island, whose name sounds like a bad idea for a vegetable-flavored soft drink. To get to Ocracoke Island you must take a ferry, which docks at an end of the island where the only sign of civilization is the ferry office and a sign that says "Ocracoke Village: 340 kajillion miles." Along these 340 kajillion miles you pass a great deal of nature, which presumably you are expected to appreciate and feel some gratitude toward the U.S. national park service for, but which pretty much all looks the same.

Along the way to the village there is also a pony pen, where you can view a large herd (17) of formerly wild ponies said to be descended from horses brought to the island by Spanish explorers in the 16th century, possibly for the purpose of establishing a polo presence in the New World. As far as we know, the ponies have neither confirmed nor denied this widely spread report.

Ocracoke Village is a cute little town on the island that has many attractions, including a coffee shop where the wait is so long that you could step out of line, go play chess, visit some nearby shops, get married, start a family, etc., and come back to find that it is still not your turn to order.

There are also many restaurants and shops in the village, and many places of accommodation, where the abundance of hammocks on the patios moved Joe to envy. These hammocks are rumored to be descended from wild hammocks brought to the island by sailors in the 18th century...er, maybe not. In any case, the hammock abundance may have played a not-insignificant role in Joe's statement that he believed he could satisfactorily stay on the island for an extended time.

We also visited a small museum dedicated to Blackbeard, who was considered one of the fiercest pirates of all time despite the fact that he sometimes wore his trademark long, black beard in a series of braids tied with little colored ribbons. These braids, while striking fear into the hearts of Blackbeard's enemies, nevertheless must have endeared him to the ladies, as he is rumored to have had about 14 wives. Fortunately they all lived at some distance from one another, and even Blackbeard appears to have taken care not to live near any of them.

On our visits to several shops, Joe passed the time by striking up conversations with the local shop owners. These conversations generally began with a comment about the weather. Through these exchanges Joe found that the weather varies amazingly widely on such a tiny island:

Joe: Does it stay warm here in the winter?

Store owner #1: Oh, no! It's definitely cold.

Joe: So, you get a lot of ice and snow, then?

Store owner #1: Well, not ice...and we had an inch of snow once that lasted for about two seconds...but, you know, in the winter here you have to wear, like, shoes, and a coat...and socks...

Armed with this newfound knowledge of the brutality of Ocracoke Island weather, Joe began a conversation with the owner of the next store we went into:

Joe: So I hear it gets pretty cold here in the winter.

Store owner #2: Nahhhh, it stays warm all the time. Don't even need a coat.

Joe: Ahh! I see my wife is ready to leave.

Me: No, I'm -- ouch!

One of Ocracoke's claim to fame is that the restaurants stay open past 9:00 p.m., which is not true of neighboring Hatteras Island where we were staying. You do, of course, need to keep track of the time you'll need to drive the 340 kajillion miles back to the ferry so as not to get stuck on the island overnight. Despite Joe's secret hope that we might not make it to the ferry on time, and we would therefore be forced to rent one of those enviable hammocks for the night, we managed to get one of the last spots on the ferry.

Others were not so lucky. They are still waiting in line at the coffee shop.

Further encounters with nature

Flush with catamaran success (defined by not capsizing or -- worse -- having to be rescued from the reeds and towed into harbor), we set out to rent a kayak on our vacation. This decision, as far as I can tell, was due to extreme forgetfulness on our part about the last time we rode a kayak, which was detailed here, and to Joe's assurances that this time would be different.

While Joe attempted to remove the wheels from the kayak -- which the man at the rental place had said would greatly aid in transporting it down to the creek, but which proved to be a mistaken idea on his part -- I took up an examination of the instructions on the kayak. These instructions detailed how the kayak was to be used, such as "Become familiar with the equipment." Joe was taking care of that part, and in fact seemed comfortable enough with the boat to exchange certain strong words with it. The instructions also laid out how the kayak was not to be used: "Do not operate beyond ability." Well, one out of two isn't bad, I thought.

I next commenced reading the warnings on the life jacket, and then handed it to Joe. "Honey, this is important," I said. I looked him straight in the eye to let him know how serious this was. "I love you," I said, "and this is for you own good. Do not, under any circumstances, dry clean this life jacket."

Before getting in the kayak, I thought it important to follow a ritual sometimes practiced on the islands -- that of blessing a boat before its voyage, although I figured we could skip the part about praying for a lot of fish. Addressing my main concern about this particular voyage, I intoned solemnly over the boat, "No nature is allowed to enter this kayak."

Perhaps I forgot some part of the ritual, because the moment we got in Joe suddenly began performing a creative dance that involved moving all of his limbs wildly about and slapping at his leg, indicating that some form of nature had affixed itself to his person. The fearsome-looking invader soon proved to be part of a plant, and was forceably ejected from the boat.

On our journey we passed under several bridges, each one lower than the last, until we feared that we would have to go under the water at the next bridge. Joe usually steered us through while I kept a sharp eye out, trying not to observe anything that might be crawling on the bridge beams. I unfortunately spotted a section on which crawled thousands of things that were not part of a plant, and immediately warned Joe: "Don't look left. There's a lot of nature."

Joe proved to be very clairvoyant on this trek, having joked with the man at the rental shop that, no matter that we had a map, and no matter that the man said the sound would be easy to find, we would still get lost.

"I have to stop saying things," he muttered after we had taken a wrong turn. "They always come true."

There is always a point at which you finally decide, though you have been denying it up until then, that you have gone the wrong way. It is not easy to abandon the path it has taken you an hour of toil to get to, but in our case this decision was helped along by two decidedly unfriendly canines on the shore, at which point we made a hasty retreat back down the inlet.

Later I became aware of a commotion in the rear of the boat, where Joe was seated, which seemed to indicate that he was a) having an apoplectic fit, or b) engaged in a life-or-death struggle with a large marsh creature. Soon the noises stopped, and he announced that we were safe, that what he had thought was a menacing spider was, in fact, not.

This incident illustrates a clear difference between the genders. When I perceive that my person is in imminent danger of close personal contact with some form of nature, no one within a radius of several miles is unaware of this fact, thanks to my verbal warning system that immediately goes into effect.

Joe, on the other hand, though he may thrash about a bit, makes not one sound, and a passerby may form the impression that he is perhaps practicing some form of ancient mind-body connection.

Lest I give the impression that our kayak tour was all effort and no payoff, let me assure readers that it was actually quite scenic, giving us wonderful close-up views of a small RV park. In some cases we were so close to the RVs that we could even read the labels on the cases of beer parked next to them.

In fact, we were so enthralled that, once we had passed the RV park, we turned around and paddled back so we could see it again. Our turning around had nothing to do with the fact that, after two hours of exhaustive paddling and ducking under nature-infested bridges, we were seemingly no closer to the open water whence we were headed. I announced -- softly, lest the RV folk hear us -- that I was definitely never getting in another kayak, even though I had said the same thing after our last kayak trip.

When we finally struggled back to the kayak shop, the owner cheerfully asked how our trip was, and Joe quickly shouted "Great!" to prevent me from saying anything to the contrary. I wanted to give the man one of the nature souvenirs we had picked up, but instead I just handed over my life jacket.

"Don't dry clean it," I said.

The unfashionable rent a catamaran

The Outer Banks consist mainly of large expanses of water, with some land added here and there as an apparent afterthought. In some areas it is almost easier to get around on the water than on the land, although as we discovered, this applies mainly to other people and not to us. Take the catamaran, for instance.

The catamaran is technically a boat, although if one undertook a careful analysis of it, one would find basically two pieces of wood, a trampoline, and a plastic shower curtain. The basic design appears to have originated as part of a last-minute science fair project by a fifth-grader. Although catamarans have come a long way in terms of design, here is a good idea of what it feels like you are riding on.

Now, when you see a catamaran out on the water, they are always gliding smoothly across the surface at a congenial clip, the people on them happily letting the wind blow through their hair as they relax and enjoy the ride. They keep a hand on the tiller, of course, just in case, but they never need to steer or perform any other actual work to get the boat to move.

These people are not real.

They are professional actors, or perhaps professional racers, placed out there on the water to cause gullible people like us to say, "Hey, that looks fun! Let's rent one of those!"

For people like us, "catamaran" translates roughly to "two hours of toil and sweat, two minutes of reward." Because a basic rule of sailing is that no matter where you want to go, the wind is always blowing in some other direction, or not blowing at all, although it appears to be blowing in a perfectly amiable direction for all the other boats. In our case the wind felt very strongly that we wanted to be blown toward shore, into very shallow water, whence lurked icky reeds ready to suck us in. More than once, the Hero had to climb in among the icky reeds to perform a daring water rescue of the boat in 8 inches of water.

One positive thing about sailing, however, is that one gets to wear fashionable boat clothing, consisting of various combinations of red, blue, and white stripes, boat shoes, and perhaps a jaunty hat. This, as I said, is what wears if one is fashionable. This is not what we wore.

Our attire might more appropriately be termed nautical nerdy, and fortunately -- to our knowledge -- no photos exist of us adorned in this manner which might be used to blackmail us. The individual who rented the boat to us -- who was of course attired in fashionable surfer dude clothing -- restrained himself very admirably from saying aloud what he must have been thinking, which was, "Are you in costume?"

But nevertheless, we and our costumes did experience some successful wind. One of our goals was to stay out of the way of nearby jet skis, which we managed admirably well, caught as we were between them and the icky reeds. According to the dictionary, by the way, a reed is a tall grass with "large, plumelike terminal panicles." So you can see why we were interested in staying clear of them. Those panicles can wreak havoc with your boat, not to mention with your person if you have to get in among the reeds, as the Hero had to do during his daring water rescues. Fortunately he escaped with no lasting injury from the panicles. (A panicle, according to the dictionary, is a "branched cluster of flowers in which the branches are racemes." Obviously nothing to fool around with.)

So although we did not set any records with the catamaran -- except possibly amount of times stuck among the reeds -- we liked being on the water so much that that very afternoon we rented a kayak (meaning "two days of toil and sweat for possibly no enjoyment at all"). Stay tuned.

Returned!

Against their will, the Princess and Hero have returned from their summer vacation, even though they have several decades' worth of listening left on their audiobook and were tempted to continue driving in order to finish it. (Memo to respective company managers: Request extension of personal leave. Amount of time: Indefinite. Reason: Story's hero/spy in imminent danger [for fifth time]; must find out what happens.)

And so we are back from the Outer Banks, where the traditional greeting is "Good breeze today!" This phrase applies equally to the occasional soft, gentle breezes that help keep the humidity at bay and also to the more typical gales that continually blow through this area, during which it is not unusual to observe beach equipment, beach marine life, beach house shingles, etc., flying about. They are all equally met with a cheerful "Good breeze!"

Indeed, we witnessed firsthand the destruction of two beach "cabanas" from the wind, both of which we unfortunately owned at the time. We were thereafter forced to spend the rest of our time on the beach enduring the full benefit of the "good breeze." Amazingly, none of our personal belongings were carried away by the breeze, except for a library book receipt bearing the Princess's name and telephone number, which the Princess lives in fear of being found and traced to her by the Beach Litter Police.

We were pleased that this year's accommodations far outclassed last year's in terms of cleanliness, although there was, regrettably, an incident involving a cockroach and a rather insufficiently large broom. The Princess was indignant that the managers of the dwelling would allow such creatures on the premises without also providing renters with proper defensive weapons, and was therefore all for reporting the broom's insufficiency to the managers. She was restrained by the Hero on the grounds that the offending roach had, despite the lack of adequate weaponry, been duly disposed of (dropped over the balcony to some unsuspecting renter's balcony below), and the whole incident should therefore be forgotten. As you can infer from reading this, the incident was not forgotten, and it was several days before the Princess could walk through the house without inspecting every corner of every room.

There are many more vacation tales to come, so please stay tuned. And we hope you have a good breeze.