No-parking zone

We have a new local library, which is very large and impressive, particularly as it sports a large copper frog in front of the main entrance. I wager not many community libraries can say this. The frog is reading a book, which is not identified but which could possibly be Froggy Went a-Courtin'. 


It could also be The Amphibian's Guide to Health and Wellness, given county planners' evident concern that patrons, at least adult patrons, who read are in danger of getting too little exercise. This concern is evident in much of the library's design. All the adult fiction and nonfiction books reside on the second level, which is reached by an enormously tall set of stairs. (Of course there are elevators as well, but unless one has an obvious physical impairment, one is strongly discouraged from taking the elevator by the disapproving glare of the closest librarian.)


It would not be surprising to see a staff member posted at the top of the stairs, monitoring each person's heart rate when they reached the top. To those who are out of breath after the climb, this individual would say sternly, "You cannot sit and read a book until you're in better shape. Now go run 10 laps outside."


Another clever plot to encourage patron exercise is the parking lot. Yes, there are ample spaces. And yes, many are even quite close to the door. But the average person is not allowed to park in these spaces. Upon close inspection, you quickly see that most of these spaces are reserved for "special populations." These special populations include not only the disabled, which of course is proper and lawful, but also carpools/vans, compact cars, and "low-emissions hybrids."


The low-emissions hybrid spaces are prime parking spots, and there are so many that non-low-emissions hybrid cars are forced to park in the Home Depot lot, roughly two miles away, and walk to the library. Evidently library planners also felt that, along with being lazy, the county population in general is far too pollution-causing, and that we must be punished for this by being made to park farther away from the building.


Walking is all well and good, but it is doubtful as to whether that many low-emissions hybrid cars exist in the entire county, and certainly we cannot expect that they will all show up at the library at the same time.


What the council should be paying attention to is re-education of some patrons as to what, exactly, constitutes a low-emissions hybrid vehicle. "Wow," I said to the Hero one day, looking over the cars parked in the low-emissions hybrid spaces. "I didn't know a Suburban was a hybrid. Let's get one!"


I imagine it was not easy for the council to determine which populations would merit reserved parking spaces... 


"Well," one council member says, "I think we should designate spaces for carpools and vans. That way people would be encouraged to share rides and not pollute so much."


"Yeah, Larry, like how you came by yourself to the meeting tonight, and didn't want to ride with Louella and me?" another member points out.


But another member quickly supports Larry's suggestion, while being careful not to support Larry's alleged personal carpooling practices, and a motion is made and carried to designate 30 spaces for carpools and vans. 


"As long as we're concerning ourselves with the environment, I think we ought to consider setting aside spaces for green cars," says another member.


This causes some temporary confusion among two or three other members, who believe that cars of other colors are being unfairly discriminated against. This misunderstanding finally settled, the decision is made to provide numerous spaces for low-emission vehicles.


"How about we set aside spaces for council members?" one suggests.


"Shame on you, Mort!" the chairman says sternly. "Trying to use your influence to sway such an important decision n your favor. You oughtta be ashamed of yourself."


And, indeed, Mort is ashamed and slinks out of the meeting. Once he is gone, the chairman says, "Okay, that's one less council member parking spot we'll have to provide."


Next there are suggestions for providing parking for the biggest donor to the library project, as well as an "employee of the month space," a "patron of the month" space, a "patron with no fines this month" space, a "patron with the most books read in a month space," etc.


This leaves only three and a half spaces in the entire parking lot. These the council designates spaces for "average people who have no special reason to park here but who deserve a break too."


For those of us who don't make it into one of those three and half spaces, there is the Home Depot lot. But it's not so bad. At lunchtime, Home Depot sells hot dogs and chips. And no one will be measuring your heart rate there.