This is one of those good news, bad news, and even more bad news topics. But as a service to our valued readers, we will try to at least end on some good news, even if we have to make it up.
Thinking it would bring me some comfort if I knew that I had been spared 73 g of trans fat when Joe ate the donut, that, at one point, had been designated for me, I checked out the nutrition stats at Dunkin' Donuts. The word "nutrition," as it relates to donuts, of course does not mean the same thing it does when used for broccoli. There really should be some FDA regulation against using the word "nutrition" to apply to something like donuts. There is no nutrition in donuts. But an exhaustive FDA study finally concluded that, although misleading, it sounds better than "artery-clogging stats."
NOTE: Here follows the good news about donuts, that is, if you like them. Out of a random sampling (consisting of the donuts I personally am on familiar terms with) of donut "nutrition" listed on the Web site, not one donut had any trace of trans fat! Of course my first thought upon this discovery was Joe didn't save me any trans fat grams at all by eating that donut himself! I am no closer to living to 100 than I would have been if he'd saved the donut for me. This quickly led to my second thought, which was Do I really want to live to 100? (Answer: Only if I get to eat a lot of donuts along the way.)
NOTE: This is the unfortunate, bad news about donuts. You may wish to avert your eyes from this paragraph and gaze instead, perhaps, on a glazed jelly donut sitting on your desk, and resume your reading with the next paragraph. Even though next to the label "trans fat"on my random sampling of donuts there is a big fat 0, if you look closely at the list of ingredients (which is an excellent exercise for ruining your day), you will see trans fat items lurking in there. So in this case, 0 doesn't really mean 0. This must be part of that New Math you hear about. Or Fuzzy Logic. Joe has studied that subject, but I don't recall his ever mentioning it in relation to donuts. That's the trouble with Higher Math People. They never apply anything they learn to real life.
Good news! Like me, you have probably lain awake at night worrying about this issue, so let me put your mind at ease without further delay: Dunkin' Donuts are completely crustacean-free. Yes. It says so right on the nutrition label. So we can all relax, knowing that there will be no claws poking out of our French Crullers. No doubt this happy development is due to the concerted efforts of groups like "Free the Crustaceans to Live as They Were Meant to Live," in conjunction with the "Not in MY Donut!" group. There are also no fish particles in these donuts. This is because there is absolutely nothing in a donut that is found in the natural world.
Oops! I promised we would end on a positive note. Despite all these negatives, despite the knowledge that somewhere, the Dunkin' Donuts man is working hard to curtail your lifespan even though he does not know you personally, the good news is that donuts still taste awesome. Unless your spouse beats you to them.
