Targeting Target

In the wake of a massive breach of Target's customer data, the company helpfully sent us the following advice about protecting our personal information:

Never share information with anyone over the phone, email or text, even if they claim to be someone you know or do business with. Instead, ask for a call-back number.

Be wary of emails that ask for money or send you to suspicious websites. Don’t click links within emails you don’t recognize.

Do not use a credit card when shopping at our stores or online, as we are not all that diligent about keeping your personal information safe. I mean, we try, but do you know how MANY of you there are?? Like YOU never messed up before. Hmmmmph.

Of course that last tip did not actually appear in the letter. Although I appreciate Target's concern for my well-being, the company is hardly in a position to be dispensing security advice to consumers. But it feels good to give advice sometimes, particularly if you have failed spectacularly at following it yourself.

So, Target, thanks for the tips. I might just heed that last one, the one you DIDN'T actually give.

Ice age

We take this opportunity to post to the blog during a brief break when the weather has allowed us to finally feel our fingers again -- the temperature has two digits! -- before we plunge again into temperatures better suited to four-footed animals with several woolly layers. In addition to having all our body parts thawed out, we are thrilled to be able to see out our windows again.


One of the "perks" of living in an old home is that in some ways it allows you to have much closer access to nature. When the temperature outdoors reaches below 10 degrees or so, for instance, the ice that makes such a spectacular show outside moves right in with us. It coats the interior of the windowpanes, preventing us from seeing much of anything.

We feel like fish whose pond has been partially frozen over, and who can see only dimly the shapes that move above them. As the sun warms the windows, gradually small spots of window appear, ice-free, causing great excitement among us.

One of us: Look! I think I see a tree!

The other one (squinting): I think it's a dog.

One of us: Are you SURE?

The other: Unless trees squat...

Were we true pioneers, I'm sure we could come up with some useful application for this ice ("Carefully dislodge the window ice and place in a clean bag made of cow udder to apply to extreme aches in the head"). But we are not true pioneers. We would prefer to have a clear separation between us and nature.

At least the ice seems confined to the windows. At least we have running water coming out of the faucet. At least my fingers are still nimble enough to typ -- I mean tye -- o noooo

The young and restless in Alaska

At this time of year many animals are in hibernation, sleeping away in caves, dens, dead trees, on basement couches, etc. Hibernation saves energy, as an animal lives off the stores it has taken in before hibernating, thereby also saving on food bills. I'm sure if my mother had thought she could convince US to hibernate during the winter when we were growing up, she would have fixed up five little cozy dens and shooed us inside. The money she could have saved on food!

But at least one bear in Juneau, Alaska -- a location where, quite frankly, I would be only too glad to hibernate -- is reported to be "resisting" hibernation this winter. Instead of sleeping, the bear has been making the rounds of local bird feeders and garbage cans. It even celebrated New Year's Eve by, according to police, "going from garbage can to garbage can."

These facts give us some important clues to the bear's identity. Consider: It doesn't go to bed on everyone else's schedule, is insatiably hungry, ravages for junk food wherever it can, and enjoys partying. Therefore, the bear is

A) confused
B) deranged
C) a juvenile male

Clearly, C.

Eventually this young male will need something besides food to entertain him, such as Sports Illustrated or an F-150. Or even a basketball. If someone in Juneau were to look closely, they would probably notice a basketball or two missing from their garage. And if the animal control people were to try to surround the bear, he would probably think -- assuming he is in a good mood from all that food -- that they were interested in a game of hoops. And being in a good mood, he would be happy to engage them.

No doubt his mother tried to talk some sense into him before embarking on her own long winter's nap. And gave up. "I tried to send him to his room, Henry. YOU talk to him. He's your son."

And Henry probably did, to no avail. Now the young bear roams freely, happily, with no restraints, no curfew, no detention.

But also, no young female bears. Sometime, the bear is going to realize that the solitary life -- although it has the advantage of not having to share one's food -- is a little lonely. So maybe he'll lope back to the den where he is supposed to be napping, and dream of a lovely young she-bear. And plenty of fried chicken bones.

It's too cold to type

Du to xtrem cold hre in th East, we ar usig econmy of leters to protct wht litl body heat we hav. Toda it ws fered that th Princs' fingrs wuld not surviv scraping sno off th car, but sloly feelig is retrning to them. The blog wil retrn too. In the meantim, she drems of July and nt havig to wlk arund th hous wering a blnket. 

The gateway green

It all started with kale. They call it the "gateway green." "Once you get a person to eat kale," says one expert (who declined to be identified), "they're on to the harder stuff pretty quick -- mustard greens, turnip greens, even dandelion greens. There's no going back to iceberg lettuce, or any of that sissy stuff."

And so it was. We got kale several times from our supplier, and we were hooked. In time we moved to more and more bitter greens -- one week mustard, a few weeks later dandelion, even collard greens. We knew there was a good chance we might get hooked on fresh greens, and that it might affect our whole life. But we still felt we could remain in control.

Sometimes we even made attempts to retain a grip on our former life. One night we drowned some dandelion greens in yummy cream sauce over pasta. So we weren't TOO far gone down the path of health.

Finally, when we hardly remembered a time when we didn't have fresh greens sprouting out of our refrigerator, the turnip greens came along.

Well, we had conquered collard greens, one of the most bitter. We were confident we could handle the turnip greens. We were so confident that we didn't bother to drown them in yummy cream sauce. We didn't cook them to death, as some recipes recommend. We cooked them gently, according to instructions from another recipe.

Finally, we were brought to our senses: We were not cut out for the hard stuff. Even the Hero -- who disapproves of very few foods -- vowed to avoid any contact with turnip greens thereafter.

But if you're serving up kale, we'll be right over. And if it's kale chips you're having, we'll definitely be right over.

Please pass the antioxidant coleslaw

The Princess has too long neglected this blog, just as she has too long neglected eating in a healthy manner throughout the holiday season. The former shall be immediately rectified; the latter -- well, certain changes should not be too hastily implemented.

Our daily paper -- which we receive three days a week -- carried an article on Jan. 1st that discussed "five foods to help you detox after holiday eating." It was not mere assumption on the paper's part that readers would have indulged a little too much during the holidays and would therefore be in need of detox advice. The paper had some advance warning of the likelihood of these developments, having just a couple of weeks before run another article showcasing the 10 winners of the paper's annual cookie contest. The paper graciously included the recipe for each. 

It will be readily understood that the paper could hardly carry the headline "This week, 10 cookies to make you gain weight; next week, detox to help you lose it!" Yet that is pretty much the truth.

The detox feature reported that high-sugar foods and alcohol are the enemies to which we too readily give in over the holidays. Yet just one page over was a prominent article on a comeback drink being seen in some party circles: punch. The kind with alcohol. Alcohol that makes us gain weight.

Thankfully, readers could continue to the next page, where the detox recipes were given to help us recover from all this sugar and alcohol. These included a raw kale salad that would have sounded much more edible were it not labeled "detox." There was also something called a "Detox Shake," which should be outlawed on grounds of confusion: It SOUNDS like something healthy, yet the shake part holds out a slim hope that there will be SOME palatability to it. The fault would not be entirely on the part of the would-be dieter if he or she were confused over this.

Another recipe is known as "Reboot Green-Fry," which sounds like something taken from a science fiction novel, but is in fact simply a harmless stir-fry with various greens and vegetables.

Those who come up with these detox recipes that will save us from ourselves might take notice of what they name these foods. Contrast "Reboot Green-Fry," for example, with the names for the punch recipes, such as "Dutch Call" and "Charleston Light Dragoon's Punch." Is it any wonder many of us go for the latter first?