The Hero and Princess are off to see the Queen and other royals in a far, faraway land. Too bad they can't travel by sleigh -- it would be a little colder, but at least there would be no body scanners involved.
The blog will return, so stay tuned!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Approved for unemployed viewers
Being suddenly unemployed, I find it helpful to surround myself with uplifting, encouraging things, like eggnog and vanilla ice cream and a shake maker. So when our Netflix movie arrived, I anticipated an evening of fun, such as from watching an encouraging Christmas movie, for instance.
"What movie is it?" I asked the Hero.
"Uh, it's about a boy who escapes from a concentration camp."
"Oh, that's uplifting," I said.
"Well, maybe it's a 'lighthearted' look at the concentration camp."
With much reluctance I agreed to watch the movie, but we were, sadly, prevented from watching it because of issues with the disk.
"See?" I said. "I am destined to watch something fun and lighthearted tonight."
Reduced to choosing a movie from our limited stock, Joe put in several bids for "Behind Enemy Lines," which I declared 'not approved for unemployed viewers needing something lighthearted.' "
"Keep looking," I said.
"There's Rudolph," he said. "But I think we just watched that."
"We haven't watched anything Christmasy since last year."
"Like I said, we just watched it."
We settled on Ice Age, despite the movie's warning that it contained 'mild peril.'
"Do you think it qualifies as lighthearted?" the Hero asked. "Are you sure you don't want to watch Behind Enemy Lines?"
"I'll take my chances on Ice Age, thank you."
It was almost like watching an entirely new movie because we had forgotten most of the story, except the squirrel who, during several episodes of 'mild peril,' is destined to forever chase, and never acquire, his acorn.
It was the perfect movie to watch under the circumstances, even with the scenes of peril. Next time, we'll definitely add the eggnog and vanilla ice cream and shake maker.
"What movie is it?" I asked the Hero.
"Uh, it's about a boy who escapes from a concentration camp."
"Oh, that's uplifting," I said.
"Well, maybe it's a 'lighthearted' look at the concentration camp."
With much reluctance I agreed to watch the movie, but we were, sadly, prevented from watching it because of issues with the disk.
"See?" I said. "I am destined to watch something fun and lighthearted tonight."
Reduced to choosing a movie from our limited stock, Joe put in several bids for "Behind Enemy Lines," which I declared 'not approved for unemployed viewers needing something lighthearted.' "
"Keep looking," I said.
"There's Rudolph," he said. "But I think we just watched that."
"We haven't watched anything Christmasy since last year."
"Like I said, we just watched it."
We settled on Ice Age, despite the movie's warning that it contained 'mild peril.'
"Do you think it qualifies as lighthearted?" the Hero asked. "Are you sure you don't want to watch Behind Enemy Lines?"
"I'll take my chances on Ice Age, thank you."
It was almost like watching an entirely new movie because we had forgotten most of the story, except the squirrel who, during several episodes of 'mild peril,' is destined to forever chase, and never acquire, his acorn.
It was the perfect movie to watch under the circumstances, even with the scenes of peril. Next time, we'll definitely add the eggnog and vanilla ice cream and shake maker.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Have yourself a bacon-wrapped Christmas
At this time of year, many of us engage in various time-honored traditions -- spending time with loved ones, choosing the perfect Christmas tree, putting up the perfect Christmas tree, decorating the perfect Christmas tree, cleaning up all the needles shed by the perfect Christmas tree, wishing the perfect Christmas tree would spontaneously combust, etc.
Yet our time-honored traditions are under attack by certain groups who are bent on eradicating all we hold dear. I refer specifically to the time-honored tradition of stuffing ourselves full of food that is not good for us.
This tradition probably dates back even before the original Christmas, and at some point the early Christians, as they eagerly spread the good news of Christ's birth, also spread the good news of bacon-wrapped water chestnuts. And ever since, we have been consuming, in a single month of the year, about 180 megacalories (1 megacalorie being equal to 27,000 regular calories) during the Christmas season. Per day.
But then slowly, insidiously, certain heretics -- calling themselves "nutritionists" -- began a crusade to ban anything with a positive calorie count from our holiday celebrations. Every year now, we are presented with long lists of foods to avoid at holiday parties (pretty much everything). We are told to never to go a party hungry. I'm sorry, is there any reason to even go to a party other than for the food?
Nothing kills the holiday spirit quicker than being told to eat healthy. So it is time to fight back (that is, if we can lift our spoons out of the cheese ball long enough to do so). In an effort to rid these heretical ideas from our holiday celebrations, I have compiled a list of suggestions for keeping the fun -- and calories -- in Christmas.
1. Never eat before going to a party, because you will not want to eat anything at the party, and this will offend the hostess, unless she is a nutritionist.
2. Take your favorite, most fattening dish to a party. That way you'll be sure to have something halfway decent to eat if everyone else brings something healthy.
3. Be sure to eat at the mall food court while doing your holiday shopping. You will rarely find anything healthy there, and if there is anything healthy the nutritionists will consume it all.
4. Avoid eating too many fruits and vegetables. In fact, consider placing a ban on them for the entire month of December. If you must eat them, be sure to use them only as a conveyance for tantalizing, calorie-laden dips.
5. One teeny, tiny concession I will make: Do practice portion control, taking less food than you otherwise might. Just make sure you keep going back for seconds, thirds, thirty-ninths, etc.
6. If you feel you must do something to counteract holiday overeating, plan a progressive meal with your neighbors. That way you can get a little exercise in while walking from one house to another, but there will still be plenty of food. If you're concerned about getting too much exercise, you can always make the trip next door in your car.
We may find that these measures are not enough, in which case we will have to make an all-out assault on calorie Scrooges. No violence, of course. Maybe just a little hacking into Santa's database and changing certain wish lists to include things like pecan pie with oodles of whipped cream on top...
Yet our time-honored traditions are under attack by certain groups who are bent on eradicating all we hold dear. I refer specifically to the time-honored tradition of stuffing ourselves full of food that is not good for us.
This tradition probably dates back even before the original Christmas, and at some point the early Christians, as they eagerly spread the good news of Christ's birth, also spread the good news of bacon-wrapped water chestnuts. And ever since, we have been consuming, in a single month of the year, about 180 megacalories (1 megacalorie being equal to 27,000 regular calories) during the Christmas season. Per day.
But then slowly, insidiously, certain heretics -- calling themselves "nutritionists" -- began a crusade to ban anything with a positive calorie count from our holiday celebrations. Every year now, we are presented with long lists of foods to avoid at holiday parties (pretty much everything). We are told to never to go a party hungry. I'm sorry, is there any reason to even go to a party other than for the food?
Nothing kills the holiday spirit quicker than being told to eat healthy. So it is time to fight back (that is, if we can lift our spoons out of the cheese ball long enough to do so). In an effort to rid these heretical ideas from our holiday celebrations, I have compiled a list of suggestions for keeping the fun -- and calories -- in Christmas.
1. Never eat before going to a party, because you will not want to eat anything at the party, and this will offend the hostess, unless she is a nutritionist.
2. Take your favorite, most fattening dish to a party. That way you'll be sure to have something halfway decent to eat if everyone else brings something healthy.
3. Be sure to eat at the mall food court while doing your holiday shopping. You will rarely find anything healthy there, and if there is anything healthy the nutritionists will consume it all.
4. Avoid eating too many fruits and vegetables. In fact, consider placing a ban on them for the entire month of December. If you must eat them, be sure to use them only as a conveyance for tantalizing, calorie-laden dips.
5. One teeny, tiny concession I will make: Do practice portion control, taking less food than you otherwise might. Just make sure you keep going back for seconds, thirds, thirty-ninths, etc.
6. If you feel you must do something to counteract holiday overeating, plan a progressive meal with your neighbors. That way you can get a little exercise in while walking from one house to another, but there will still be plenty of food. If you're concerned about getting too much exercise, you can always make the trip next door in your car.
We may find that these measures are not enough, in which case we will have to make an all-out assault on calorie Scrooges. No violence, of course. Maybe just a little hacking into Santa's database and changing certain wish lists to include things like pecan pie with oodles of whipped cream on top...
Friday, December 10, 2010
A job is in the mailbox
Our unemployment class is over, and we are now armed with all we need to go out and conquer the job market. We can forget about everything we thought we knew about how to find a job. There is just one thing we need to know to unlock the hidden job market: Talk to the mailman.
The idea is that mailmen know everyone and everything going on, including what you are giving family members for Christmas because you hide the presents in the mailbox, so who better to exchange information with? According to our workshop leader, one of her past participants landed his dream job from a tip he received from his mailman. This all came about simply from the man hanging out in his front yard with his dog and being there when the mailman came by.
Unfortunately we do not have a front yard. Or a dog, despite appearances that a dog is a requirement to live in the neighborhood. Our house sits right on the street, and it might attract some attention were I to hang out in the street, strolling up and down, particularly in 30-degree weather. I would be strolling quite a while, as our mailman also arrives at no particular time that I can discern. This is no doubt to keep the unemployed of the neighborhood guessing.
The usual way I know the mail has arrived is this:
1. Mail is shoved through the little slot in the front door, making a great clatter.
2. I grab the nearest weapon, sure that I am about to be attacked by someone coming through the door. (At this time of year, the closest weapon is likely to be a large Mary or Joseph figurine.)
3. I hear, faintly, the mailman laughing to himself on the other side of the door.
So I may be doomed to never reach my dream job goal, and it will be the mailman's fault. Someday, when I am sitting down with a goal-setting book, it is going to ask me, "Have you achieved your goals? If not, why not?" And I will answer, "No, because my mailman is unpredictable."
But let us be positive. When one door closes, somewhere a mail slot opens.
The idea is that mailmen know everyone and everything going on, including what you are giving family members for Christmas because you hide the presents in the mailbox, so who better to exchange information with? According to our workshop leader, one of her past participants landed his dream job from a tip he received from his mailman. This all came about simply from the man hanging out in his front yard with his dog and being there when the mailman came by.
Unfortunately we do not have a front yard. Or a dog, despite appearances that a dog is a requirement to live in the neighborhood. Our house sits right on the street, and it might attract some attention were I to hang out in the street, strolling up and down, particularly in 30-degree weather. I would be strolling quite a while, as our mailman also arrives at no particular time that I can discern. This is no doubt to keep the unemployed of the neighborhood guessing.
The usual way I know the mail has arrived is this:
1. Mail is shoved through the little slot in the front door, making a great clatter.
2. I grab the nearest weapon, sure that I am about to be attacked by someone coming through the door. (At this time of year, the closest weapon is likely to be a large Mary or Joseph figurine.)
3. I hear, faintly, the mailman laughing to himself on the other side of the door.
So I may be doomed to never reach my dream job goal, and it will be the mailman's fault. Someday, when I am sitting down with a goal-setting book, it is going to ask me, "Have you achieved your goals? If not, why not?" And I will answer, "No, because my mailman is unpredictable."
But let us be positive. When one door closes, somewhere a mail slot opens.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Fun with action verbs
Several of us previously employed individuals have managed to lift ourselves off the couch and attend an unemployment workshop, which, if it really wanted to be helpful, would teach us things like how to remain unemployed but get paid for it. This would be a very popular workshop.
But this is not to say that we have not learned important things in the workshop. For instance, we have learned that our resumes need "tweaking" (translated roughly, they stink). To help us tweak them, we each received a bound manual of information that is approximately the weight of a Winnebago. The manual offers help for our ailing resumes, including a list of helpful action verbs that convey to a potential employer what we have accomplished in our careers thus far. From this list we can deduce that potential employers are not interested in knowing that we are accomplished in "having fun," as that does not appear on the list, although we heartily believe it should.
We editors are impressed by this list of action verbs, as our own resumes tend to rely heavily on two verbs: "edited" and "edited some more." In cases where these particular verbs are not adequate to describe what we have done with a manuscript, we might resort to "lit on fire."
So we read the list with some amount of envy, the word "formulate" attracting attention from one participant. "Ooo, that's good," she said. But realizing she was unlikely to ever use this word to apply to her own work, she lamented, "I want to formulate something!"
The action verb list is divided into helpful sections such as "How did you organize something?" and "How did you make decisions?" There was even a section titled "How did you save the day?" on which I was disappointed not to find the action phrase "removed stink bugs from the ladies' restroom." This constituted quite a large portion of our everyday job functioning at our previous company and should, I feel strongly, be duly conveyed.
Our resumes received individual attention from the workshop leader, who no doubt went home from the first session determined to work on her own resume and get another job that has no possibility of contact with editorial persons.
"You would put a colon here," she said to me, inserting two dots after the words "Clients included" in my Freelancing section.
"Um, but that's not grammatically correct," I said meekly. "Colons don't go after a verb..."
I knew this because another way editors "save the day" is by debating, with other editors, proper grammar and style points that no one else believes are important, and we had discussed this very point not long before.
The workshop leader did not appear to appreciate how I was attempting to save the day, and my resume, from grammatical incorrectness. She looked at me sideways, no doubt wondering Dear God, what have I done to deserve this.
She indicated how I could move some items on my resume around, then said, "Again, you would put a colon here -- or not." This was said with heavy and, I personally thought, sarcastic emphasis. She moved on to other participants, seeming to spend more time with non-editors who would not argue with her opinions on colons, but that may have been just my imagination.
Now if only she could show us how to formulate.
But this is not to say that we have not learned important things in the workshop. For instance, we have learned that our resumes need "tweaking" (translated roughly, they stink). To help us tweak them, we each received a bound manual of information that is approximately the weight of a Winnebago. The manual offers help for our ailing resumes, including a list of helpful action verbs that convey to a potential employer what we have accomplished in our careers thus far. From this list we can deduce that potential employers are not interested in knowing that we are accomplished in "having fun," as that does not appear on the list, although we heartily believe it should.
We editors are impressed by this list of action verbs, as our own resumes tend to rely heavily on two verbs: "edited" and "edited some more." In cases where these particular verbs are not adequate to describe what we have done with a manuscript, we might resort to "lit on fire."
So we read the list with some amount of envy, the word "formulate" attracting attention from one participant. "Ooo, that's good," she said. But realizing she was unlikely to ever use this word to apply to her own work, she lamented, "I want to formulate something!"
The action verb list is divided into helpful sections such as "How did you organize something?" and "How did you make decisions?" There was even a section titled "How did you save the day?" on which I was disappointed not to find the action phrase "removed stink bugs from the ladies' restroom." This constituted quite a large portion of our everyday job functioning at our previous company and should, I feel strongly, be duly conveyed.
Our resumes received individual attention from the workshop leader, who no doubt went home from the first session determined to work on her own resume and get another job that has no possibility of contact with editorial persons.
"You would put a colon here," she said to me, inserting two dots after the words "Clients included" in my Freelancing section.
"Um, but that's not grammatically correct," I said meekly. "Colons don't go after a verb..."
I knew this because another way editors "save the day" is by debating, with other editors, proper grammar and style points that no one else believes are important, and we had discussed this very point not long before.
The workshop leader did not appear to appreciate how I was attempting to save the day, and my resume, from grammatical incorrectness. She looked at me sideways, no doubt wondering Dear God, what have I done to deserve this.
She indicated how I could move some items on my resume around, then said, "Again, you would put a colon here -- or not." This was said with heavy and, I personally thought, sarcastic emphasis. She moved on to other participants, seeming to spend more time with non-editors who would not argue with her opinions on colons, but that may have been just my imagination.
Now if only she could show us how to formulate.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Have skills, will travel (out the door)
As I and my fellow previously employed editors set about finding new jobs, we have every reason to be optimistic and upbeat. Editors have many skills that are of great practical benefit in everyday situations, and other people are generally very appreciative of such skills being exercised in their behalf, as evidenced here:
Pointing out mistakes in menus, signs, brochures, etc.
Editor to restaurant manager: Excuse me, did you know that chicken is misspelled on your menu? Twice? A different way each time?
Manager: So don't order the chicken.
Pointing out spelling mistakes on birth certificates
Editor to new parent: You spelled your child's name with a comma in it.
New parent: No, that's an apostrophe.
Editor: No, that's a comma.
New parent: Listen, you, I gave birth to the kid and I'll put semicolons in his name if I want!
Editor (impressed): You know what a semicolon is?
Pointing out font irregularities
Editor to motor vehicle office employee: Um, you do realize the font on the first E on this license plate is not the same as on the second E, right?
Employee: Next!
Reducing unwanted e-mail
New acquaintance to editor: You're an editor, huh? Like, you probably find everything wrong with e-mails people send you? Ha ha, I wouldn't want to e-mail you!
Editor: Great.
Reducing the number of horribly written books on the market
Slight acquaintance of editor: Hey, uh, I wrote this manuscript I thought you might want to look at...you, know, maybe give me some advice for having it published...
Editor (briefly looking over the tome): I think you should go into another line of work. Like selling trash compactors.
So, I am not worried about finding another job. People love editors. The truth about how editors have contributed to a better society may never be known. If everyone else can help it.
Pointing out mistakes in menus, signs, brochures, etc.
Editor to restaurant manager: Excuse me, did you know that chicken is misspelled on your menu? Twice? A different way each time?
Manager: So don't order the chicken.
Pointing out spelling mistakes on birth certificates
Editor to new parent: You spelled your child's name with a comma in it.
New parent: No, that's an apostrophe.
Editor: No, that's a comma.
New parent: Listen, you, I gave birth to the kid and I'll put semicolons in his name if I want!
Editor (impressed): You know what a semicolon is?
Pointing out font irregularities
Editor to motor vehicle office employee: Um, you do realize the font on the first E on this license plate is not the same as on the second E, right?
Employee: Next!
Reducing unwanted e-mail
New acquaintance to editor: You're an editor, huh? Like, you probably find everything wrong with e-mails people send you? Ha ha, I wouldn't want to e-mail you!
Editor: Great.
Reducing the number of horribly written books on the market
Slight acquaintance of editor: Hey, uh, I wrote this manuscript I thought you might want to look at...you, know, maybe give me some advice for having it published...
Editor (briefly looking over the tome): I think you should go into another line of work. Like selling trash compactors.
So, I am not worried about finding another job. People love editors. The truth about how editors have contributed to a better society may never be known. If everyone else can help it.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
New beginnings are good (as long as they involve food)
The blog's new look is brought to you courtesy of the Princess's former employer, who has set her and many of her former co-workers free to pursue other pursuits. These pursuits should not, in the Hero's opinion, include eating brownies all day, excepting those brownies consumed while commiserating with other previously employed individuals and swapping tips for finding new jobs that involve being paid to eat brownies.
But there are many bright spots to this event, not the least of which is that the Princess is now free from Stink Bug Duty, which constituted quite a bit of her time in her former job. Presumably the stink bugs will now run amok at the company; indeed, in time they may run the company.
As the Princess seeks new opportunities, which hopefully do not include multiple-legged creatures, the Hero has encouraged her to keep on task by making a list of things to do, and this she has diligently carried out:
1. Wrap Christmas gifts
2. Put up tree
3. Take long naps
4. Make social engagements each day
5. Make oodles of Christmas cookies (and consume them)
6. Avoid showing this list to Hero
Of course the Princess will endeavor to spend time -- she is certain she can find a few minutes here and there between important social engagements -- devoted to job hunting, and she has already begun a list of her best qualifications:
1. Offering violence-free bug removal
2. Raising staff morale through such activities as decorating with festive window stickees, placing musical soap in the restroom at holiday time, placing glow-in-the-dark soap in the restroom at other holiday times
3. Encouraging operations personnel to keep the office environment comfortable, that is, above 32 degrees
4. Managing large inventories, especially her personal cache of tea
5. Supporting employee endeavors, particularly those involving birthday cake
There is no doubt that other companies will need an individual of such talents, and so the Princess doggedly marches on, holding the brownie banner high.
But there are many bright spots to this event, not the least of which is that the Princess is now free from Stink Bug Duty, which constituted quite a bit of her time in her former job. Presumably the stink bugs will now run amok at the company; indeed, in time they may run the company.
As the Princess seeks new opportunities, which hopefully do not include multiple-legged creatures, the Hero has encouraged her to keep on task by making a list of things to do, and this she has diligently carried out:
1. Wrap Christmas gifts
2. Put up tree
3. Take long naps
4. Make social engagements each day
5. Make oodles of Christmas cookies (and consume them)
6. Avoid showing this list to Hero
Of course the Princess will endeavor to spend time -- she is certain she can find a few minutes here and there between important social engagements -- devoted to job hunting, and she has already begun a list of her best qualifications:
1. Offering violence-free bug removal
2. Raising staff morale through such activities as decorating with festive window stickees, placing musical soap in the restroom at holiday time, placing glow-in-the-dark soap in the restroom at other holiday times
3. Encouraging operations personnel to keep the office environment comfortable, that is, above 32 degrees
4. Managing large inventories, especially her personal cache of tea
5. Supporting employee endeavors, particularly those involving birthday cake
There is no doubt that other companies will need an individual of such talents, and so the Princess doggedly marches on, holding the brownie banner high.
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