No more blood sucking--maybe

This summer I found myself in need of a cross-cultural media campaign strategy, something that could reach across the great divide between humans and...mosquitoes. The message I wanted, desperately, to convey was this: 

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE JUST AS MUCH BLOOD AS ME. MAYBE MORE. TAKE THEIRS. 

Mosquitoes are not equal-opportunity diners. Approximately 19% of humans provide 100% of the average mosquito's diet. We few are their breakfast, lunch, dinner, morning snack, late afternoon snack, midnight snack, watching-TV snack, etc. If any political candidates are running on a platform of leveling this playing field so that more of the population gives its fair share of blood to this cause, they have my hearty support.

In the meantime, I have ordered a device, a lantern, that can be used outdoors to repel mosquitoes. It reportedly forms an invisible, protective shield around anyone sitting nearby. I have not tried it out yet, one reason being that the directions for assembly are so lengthy that it seems easier to just sit around and get bitten. And that doesn't include the directions for USING it.

The assembly directions go something like this:

1. Preparation of device for usage requires ample space in which to work, such as a large, open outdoor field. Prepare accordingly, securing any necessary environmental permissions, etc.
2. Disassemble all three sections of the device. Mix them up thoroughly so you cannot remember which part fits into which other part.
3. Locate the bottom section of the device and insert four AA batteries into it. If you cannot locate the four batteries, this is because they are not included. Look in the drawer where you keep batteries. If necessary, secure batteries from some other, little-used battery-operated item in your house.
4. In the middle section of the device, insert the butane cartridge. Only cartridges from original manufacturer will work in the device (what did you expect?). And they are expensive. So do not mess up on this step.
5. In the grill on top of the device, insert the repellent pad by carefully sliding it under the grill, carefully pulling it back out when it gets all tangled up, and repeating however many times necessary.
6. Put all the parts back together. If you are female, do not ask your husband for help. If you are male, do not ask ANYONE for help. If you have parts left over, they probably belong to some other disassembled item.
7. In the event you are able to assemble all the sections back together in proper fashion, congratulations! You are in the top 6% of users. If the device WORKS when you have it all put together, you are in the top 1%.
8. To start the device,turn the ON/OFF switch to ON. Be aware: The device is not actually ON at this point. To further turn it ON, locate the button that says PUSH. Press this button six times in rapid succession. Sixteen times may be better. The device is now ON. Most likely.
9. Cartridges last 45 minutes. By the time you have assembled the device and waited for it to begin working, you may need another cartridge. If so, repeat from Step 1.
10. To store longer than one day without usage, disassemble the entire device.

The device comes with myriad warnings, as you might expect of something that is expected to seriously do battle with one of humankind's most hated enemies.

• Do not assemble indoors. This includes the garage AND your relatives' garages.
• Do not keep open food nearby. Chemicals from the device may alter food molecules, causing the food to get off the plate and walk away.
• Extremely flammable. Do not use near flames. Do not smoke around this device. Do not smoke when NOT around this device. (This message paid for by your mother.)
• Do not lick the repellent pad. Do not let children or pets lick the pad. Mosquitoes may lick the pad.
• Device is designed to work while you are at rest. For best results, do not walk, run, jump, crawl, hula dance, shimmy, or breathe too fast around the device.

To further the public's understanding of this device and its operation, we present here a short Q&A with a totally fictional representative of the manufacturer.

Q&A

Q: Why does the device show a mosquito with a line through it on the top, where the repellent pad goes under a grill?
A: This is a warning not to use the device to intentionally barbeque your mosquitoes.

Q: Someone would do that?
A: If we don't tell them not to, they might.

Q: It says the device is effective against not only mosquitoes, but also "biting flies, flying insects, and bugs." What about certain people who bug me?
A: Sorry. We can only do so much for $29.95.

Q: It sounds like the device won't work very well unless I'm just sitting around. Couldn't you have made an "active" version?
A: Who are you, James Bond?

Q: Hey, does he get bitten a lot, too? That would make a good book. The Spy Who Got Eaten Alive by Mosqi--
A: NEXT!

We've got scary covered

It's a bit early, but we're all ready for Halloween at our house. We didn't even have to do much of the work ourselves. With very little effort on our part, indeed even without our knowledge, our house has pretty much taken care of turning itself into a destination for Halloween fright.

The excitement begins outside, where the stairway that leads to our door is booby-trapped with spider webs strung across the steps. To get to the door you have to plow right through these. As you do so, you might ponder the thought that it is a scientific fact that a spider web is 3,000 times more sticky than silly string. Also that some spiders have been known to take revenge for the disturbance of their webs.

Once indoors, there are additional cobwebs to dodge. Amazingly, some of these seem to form in mere seconds. An entire doorway that, a moment earlier, you walked through quite easily, can be entirely sealed off to the unlucky person behind you.

(Not to interrupt things, but what exactly is a cobweb, anyway? Is there something called a cob that spins a web? Do spiders ever get caught in a cob's web? Do the two ever fight over territory? Do cobs take revenge?)

If spooky noises are your thing, we have those in abundance. The refrigerator emits a series of noises that sound as if it is having a conversation with itself, and the discussion is whether to just eat whole the next person unlucky enough to open the door or to merely dismember them and stuff them in the freezer for a snack later. Although we keep close tabs on what lives in our refrigerator, occasionally mooshy, unidentifiable food things can be seen that, if you were brave enough to touch them, might be mistaken for brains.

The refrigerator noises, however, have nothing on those of the toilet lid. Made to slowly close on its own even if dropped, it has inexplicably begun to make eerie, back-of-your-neck-hair-raising sounds as it lowers. The Hero cannot resist picking it up, letting go, picking it up, etc., over and over to hear it. We are alternately amused and uncomfortable at the sound. We can be amused because we know what it is. 

Or do we?

As you move through the house, scary creatures occasionally swoop down at you. They are most likely stink bugs, creatures that seem to have traded their ability to navigate with any purpose in exchange for...we're not sure what, as they have no positive qualities whatsoever. (Warning: They particularly like the color white, and if they get scared, or annoyed, they will...well, let's just say they are not potty trained. If you wear white, and at some point you notice brown splotches on your clothes, don't say we didn't warn you.)

There are other scary creatures in our house as well. I am thinking here of those that lurk in the mirror, particularly in the mornings, but as this is a particularly frightening prospect that's all we'll say about it. 

Occasionally there are scenes of gore, such as when I am operating electrical equipment in the kitchen. Actually, electricity does not even have to be involved: Anything sharp, like a knife or a paper envelope (and also glass jars of applesauce at the grocery store, but that's enough about that), can whirl around unpredictably and land in someone's flesh. If you see something emerge from the house looking like a mummy with Band-aids all over, most likely it has been involved in a little skirmish in the kitchen.

The only thing missing so far is something going thump in the night. We're waiting. We know it will come at some point...thump, thump...and we'll tell ourselves it's the toilet seat lid.

Some days are more fortunate than others

Dear officials of the local commuter train:

I could not help noticing that you have been having a bit of difficulty with the train schedule lately, what with storms knocking out signals, trains breaking down, personnel breaking down and not reporting for work, etc. Perhaps it might be easier to notify riders of the trains that AREN'T having problems than of those that are?

Not that I am criticizing you. I am sure you have had plenty of that from frustrated commuters who just want to get home after a long day of work, or who would prefer not to spend half the morning on the train trying to get to work. 

We do appreciate your sincere apologies and thorough explanations. They don't help that much, to be honest, but it's a nice gesture nonetheless. I personally am more appreciative of another fact that I couldn't help noticing: that these problems usually seem to occur on a Tuesday or Wednesday.

And I do not ride the train on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. 

It has been very thoughtful of you to have things turn out this way, allowing me to miss many of these commuting headaches. And this might seem a little selfish of me, but if any future troubles arise, could you perhaps try to make sure they happen on one of those days? I'm not advocating that your personnel be lax on these days or anything, but maybe they could just be extra vigilant on Monday, Thursday, and Friday. And maybe those severe storms could be limited to Tuesdays and Wednesdays, too. I realize this is not really your jurisdiction, but I'm just saying.

I realize that my request might interfere with the schedules of some of your other riders. I realize it might not be feasible. But -- 

Hey! A thought just occurred to me. Maybe you could just eliminate all these problems on ANY day! Then EVERYONE will be happy. Yes, I like this plan much better.

I'm sure you'll figure out a way.

Sincerely,
Fortunate Rider (and may it stay that way)

The great chocolate heist

For further evidence that, as a whole, the American diet needs to be overhauled, we need look no farther than a candy store in Colorado. During a break-in at the store last month, an individual stole numerous scoopfuls of chocolate candy, including peanut butter cups, chocolate-covered Rice Krispie Treats, and English toffee. From surveillance cameras the store owner readily identified the culprit as a juvenile, which should alarm us all that our children and young people are so drawn to sweets that they will turn to criminal activity to access them. Even more disturbing, the cameras revealed that this young, sweet-toothed individual was...a black bear, who entered the store through the front door on which the lock was broken.

This incident brings up an urgent question: Why don't I live near a candy store that sells vast quantities of chocolate and has a faulty lock on the front door? But beyond that issue, just what are we, as a nation, teaching our young black bears these days? Did this community offer a choice of shops for the bear to choose from? Say, a fruit market? Surely if he had had a variety of nutritional foods to choose from, he would have done the sensible thing and taken even MORE candy so he could have some the following day, when the store owner repaired the lock and foiled any additional break-ins.

But we can take some comfort in the fact that the bear apparently had some training in manners, as he was very tidy while in the store, and disturbed nothing except the candy he wanted. This he scooped up and took outside to consume -- again, very thoughtful -- and then returned for more. This went on for about 20 minutes, according to the cameras, during which time the bear probably consumed the equivalent of all Halloween candy sold in this country each year.

The incident has nutritional ramifications beyond this single bear. Since the break-in, visitors to the store have reportedly been asking which treats the bear enjoyed, and buying quantities for themselves. This gives me an idea. If we want people to eat more healthy -- and I am not saying I necessarily want people, including myself, to eat more healthy, but that is what we are hearing these days -- we may have to get the wildlife of America involved. Get the bears, the deer, the raccoons on camera snacking on a rice bowl with pea tendrils, and we just might convince the human population of this country to follow suit. Headlines like "Bear steals seven pounds of turnips from farmer's market!" would go a long way toward solving the junk-food problem we have.

In the meantime, the bear involved in the candy store heist would appreciate any little handouts you may care to share. Just be sure to leave your door unlocked. 

How far for love?

Today we had intended to bring you commentary on a news item about how the discovery of a rare spider has halted road construction in Texas, but reading that story about spiders led to reading other stories about spiders and soon we were freaking ourselves out and becoming convinced that spiders were pretty much poised to take over the world. Therefore no feature on them will be presented today. Or, probably, ever.

We have come across a news report regarding a Russian man who apparently offended his girlfriend. The news report did not elaborate on his exact transgression, but if Russian men and women are anything like American men and women, the man probably has no idea exactly where things went wrong.

Regardless, desperate to get back into her good graces, the man -- who is not named in the report, so let's call him Yevgeny -- must have thought long and hard about how to reverse this state of affairs. While he was musing, he happened to look out his window and notice his neighbor's field full of hay. Finally, he hit upon just the right solution!

"I will give her hay!" he thought excitedly. This was swiftly followed by a more rational thought: "I don't have any hay." But he is not one to give up on a great idea. "I will steal it!"

And, according to news sources, he did -- 1 1/2 tons, to be exact.

Now, I freely admit ignorance of Russian customs in regard to relationships. It may be that the gift of a large amount of animal feed that does not, technically, belong to you is a perfectly accepted manner of apologizing to an offended loved one. Or possibly Yevgeny requires some retraining in the art of courting.

The news accounts do not say whether the hay ever reached its intended recipient. If it did, we can imagine the conversation between Yevgeny and his beloved, whom we shall call Olga:

Yevgeny: Olga! I was brute. I should not have (here his words are muffled, as he still is not exactly sure what he should not have done). Forgive, please!

Olga (unimpressed): And just why should I forgive you?

Y: Look! I bring a peace offering for you. (He gestures proudly toward the large cart of hay.) I steal for you!

O: (silent for a long moment)

Y: Ah! You are too overwhelmed for words!

O: (sighing) You stole hay? Really, Yevgeny, if you were going to steal something, couldn't you have stolen a diamond or something? 

Y: But...I thought you would be pleased! 

O: Well, you were mistaken. Please leave now.

Y: What...what should I do with the hay?

O: (sounding bored) Oh, take it to the field at the edge of town and dump it.

Y: (as he does so, he is astonished to find two other men there, also dumping carts of hay) What is this! 

Men: Join the club, pal. (The three dump their useless hay and head off together to eat somewhere.)

But of course Yevgeny never got to enjoy his meal that night, as he was arrested for possession of stolen hay and, possibly, for Acting Upon a Stupid Impulse. Olga makes no further appearance in the official records, but we might speculate a number of things about her, including that she is now seeking a man who does not live next door to someone with large amounts of hay.

Are you trying to notify me?

Dear Organizers of Writing Contest of Well-Known Newspaper Magazine,

I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity to submit an entry for your recent writing contest. I am sure that, although you must have received many excellent pieces, one or two stood out to the contest judges (specifically, I am thinking of MY piece here). I just thought I'd drop you a line and ask how the judging process is going. I ask this because I see that the window for notifying winners has passed, and, well, I can't help but wonder if some mistake has been made. 

You see, despite my giving you all my contact information-- home phone, cell phone (two), address, addresses and phone numbers of close relatives who never leave the house and always retrieve their mail promptly -- I have not yet received any notification about winning. Not, of course, that I assume my entry won, but it's a possibility, isn't it? I don't want to be any trouble, but maybe you could just, perhaps, double-check?

Perhaps I am just being a bit hasty -- your rules did state that you would notify winners "on or about" Sept. 7, so it is possible, is it not, that perhaps the window has not yet been concluded? Perhaps the "about" covers into October, or even the new year-- maybe into NEXT September?

I DID give you all my contact information, didn't I? It is possible that I left out something. Perhaps your contest judges were ill. Or perhaps your contact people were ill? If some illness is going around there, you might want to take a look into it. I would hate for anything to take the judges away from their work.

Perhaps there were many good stories in addition to mine. Perhaps I could just remind you of my title, you know, to help out a bit? Of course I would never dream of trying to influence you. But please do let me know if there is anything at all that I can do to ease the process of awarding first place to m -- whoops, ha ha! A little slip of the keyboard there, that's all.

But here I am, taking you away from your duties. My apologies. Thank you again for this opportunity -- say, did I give you my brother's sister-in-law's son's aunt's second cousin's daughter's phone number?

Sincerely,
Writing Contest Entrant

Insecurity questions

Perhaps you have noticed that websites that ask you to choose security questions and answers should you ever need to prove that you are who you say you are -- and they will not accept a faxed photo of the mole on your big left toe -- are coming up with a greater variety of questions to choose from. In addition to such staples as your mother's maiden name, your father's middle name, and the name of your best man at your wedding, you may have a choice of the following questions:

• What are the first and last names of your first manager?
• What is the last name of your least favorite teacher? (Just one, please.)
• What nickname did you have as a child that not many people know? (And how much is it worth to you that it stay that way?)

We personally see this trend continuing, even spiking upward, right along with the likelihood that brownies will soon surpass oatmeal in popularity as a breakfast food, particularly among -- but we digress.

Following are security questions that we think could soon find their way onto financial and other websites charged with taking your security seriously:

• What is the name of the first person upon whom you had a crush? If you are male, was this person your first-grade teacher? (Ahem, sorry.)
• What is the name of your first childhood pet? If you did not have any childhood pets, what is the name of the first therapist you saw regarding your issues surrounding not being allowed to have a pet?
• How much compensation did you receive at your first job? (Please round to the nearest hundred.) 
• How much compensation did you receive for your first tooth under your pillow? (Please round to the nearest quarter.) Optional: Was this amount more or less than what your best friend received? Did a disparity cause any rift in your friendship? Did... 
• Of the previous two situations, in which did you receive the higher compensation? 
• What is the name of the restaurant at which you simultaneously realized that you were a) in love with your dining partner and b) did not have enough money to cover the bill? 
• In what foreign city did you INTEND to ask for something benign and acceptable in the local language, such as directions to the train station, but made a statement that, roughly, compared the askee to a large litter of piglets? 
• What career did you have your heart set on while in school but were told by your guidance counselor that "your talents lie elsewhere"? What field did your guidance counselor think you were better suited for (sewer pipe servicer, lice technician, etc.)? 
• What word do you always misspell? (Please use the correct spelling here.) 
• What city anywhere in the world would you want to live? (If this city is more than 800 miles from your current residence, why do you want to live there? Do you have a record you need to run from? Is there something you're not telling us? Do you...) 
• What epitaph would you like on your tombstone? (Limit of 30 characters, please. Example: If you are an auctioneer, you might lean toward "Going, going, gone.") 
• What name did you consider bestowing on your firstborn, but worked with a horrible co-worker of that name that rendered the name totally unsuitable? 
• What name did you consider for your firstborn, but were informed by your in-laws that this would happen only "over our dead bodies"?

And, finally: 

• What name do you privately give to this institution? (Your privacy will be respected, but remember that we probably know where you live.)

Ode to the pumpkin latte

According to the calendar fall is almost here, although according to the weather here right now it is Swamp Season. But it is September, and merchants are doing their best to remind us that summer is quickly fading and cooler weather is right around the corner ("Only 89 more shopping days until the first blizzard!").

One recent morning we went to a local coffee shop, where despite the swampy weather a sign announced the return of the shop's line of fall beverages -- the pumpkin spice latte, the caramel apple mocha, the cinnamon bun latte, the squash medley cappuccino, etc.

In that instant when we saw the sign, it did not matter that there was 143% humidity outside or that, technically, it was still summer and therefore according to fashion etiquette white clothing could still be appropriately worn. Only one thing mattered: Pumpkin Latte Season was now open! 

As far as I am concerned, pumpkin latte season never has to close. I look forward to the return of this beloved beverage each year. I am thinking of installing a giant underground pumpkin latte vat, with direct access to our kitchen, and a supply line that snakes all the way to work so I can enjoy it there too. I am SURE the pumpkin latte must be what advertisers are talking about when they say their various products will boost happiness and satisfaction, balance mood swings, and help us cope with the pressures of everyday life, such as the sight of Halloween costumes in stores in August. 

And so, as we stand on the very cusp of a new autumn season, filled with the anticipation of nature's most wondrous displays yet to come, and also with sweat from the lingering Swamp Season, I say to all, vive le pumpkin spice latte! And if on Halloween you spy a trick-or-treater who resembles a venti, grande, tall autumn coffee drink and smells vaguely of cinnamon and nutmeg, you'll know who it is. 

A laborious Labor Day

Yesterday the U.S. celebrated Labor Day. From a poll of friends and acquaintances the day before, it was concluded that most of us were pretty much going to concentrate on resting from our labors on that day. One acquaintance declared that he planned to do "absolutely nothing."

"Not even get out of bed?" the Hero asked.

"Well, yes," he said. "But only to move to the couch."

Couches are fine things for napping, because you can convince yourself that you are NOT going to use the couch for napping; you are going to sit, upright, and read something very intellectually stimulating. If instead you opt for a bed, however, there is no pretense that anything intellectual is going to occur. You are outright saying to anyone interested, "I am now going to remove myself from consciousness for a period of time." With a couch, you can keep up the appearance that you are fully conscious and engaged in some fascinating book, or TV program, and have no intention of falling azzzzzzzz.....

Even once you fall asleep on the couch, you can pretend you are NOT asleep should anyone inquire. The trick is to keep whatever you were reading from falling on the floor so that at a critical moment, when you feel your spouse's eyes on you endeavoring to divine whether you are awake or not, you can hold the book aloft. "I'm reading! See?"

On the other hand, if it is your child's eyes you feel on you, you may want to give the book a little shove over the edge of the couch to cement the illusion that yes, you are asleep, and no, you are not available for playing horsey or catch or putting together a shopping mall with 2,762 Legos. And you are not likely to be for some time yet.

As he got older, my father ceased to need an entire couch to himself when he napped. He simply fell asleep where he sat, sometimes even while holding his arm outstretched, the remote gently rising and falling with his breathing in the general direction of the TV. Once we even took a picture of him in this state to prove to him what we had witnessed, but he maintained that he was -- you guessed it -- NOT asleep.

At our own house this Labor Day, the Hero deposited himself on the couch with a new Kindle book, fully intending to read a good portion of it. He took great pains to express his interest in this book so that there would be no confusion about the activity that was taking place, there on the extremely comfortable couch. Soon, however, I noticed that he and the Kindle had moved to a reclining position. "I'm reading," he said when I took note of his downward slide.

Soon the Kindle was feeling neglected and abandoned. It, too, fell asleep.

I myself had planned to do some reading and journaling while sitting on the couch, but this was now impossible. 

Luckily, we have two couches. And luckily, there was no one awake to see me abandon my book and fall into a sweet dreamland.