Insecurity questions

Perhaps you have noticed that websites that ask you to choose security questions and answers should you ever need to prove that you are who you say you are -- and they will not accept a faxed photo of the mole on your big left toe -- are coming up with a greater variety of questions to choose from. In addition to such staples as your mother's maiden name, your father's middle name, and the name of your best man at your wedding, you may have a choice of the following questions:

• What are the first and last names of your first manager?
• What is the last name of your least favorite teacher? (Just one, please.)
• What nickname did you have as a child that not many people know? (And how much is it worth to you that it stay that way?)

We personally see this trend continuing, even spiking upward, right along with the likelihood that brownies will soon surpass oatmeal in popularity as a breakfast food, particularly among -- but we digress.

Following are security questions that we think could soon find their way onto financial and other websites charged with taking your security seriously:

• What is the name of the first person upon whom you had a crush? If you are male, was this person your first-grade teacher? (Ahem, sorry.)
• What is the name of your first childhood pet? If you did not have any childhood pets, what is the name of the first therapist you saw regarding your issues surrounding not being allowed to have a pet?
• How much compensation did you receive at your first job? (Please round to the nearest hundred.) 
• How much compensation did you receive for your first tooth under your pillow? (Please round to the nearest quarter.) Optional: Was this amount more or less than what your best friend received? Did a disparity cause any rift in your friendship? Did... 
• Of the previous two situations, in which did you receive the higher compensation? 
• What is the name of the restaurant at which you simultaneously realized that you were a) in love with your dining partner and b) did not have enough money to cover the bill? 
• In what foreign city did you INTEND to ask for something benign and acceptable in the local language, such as directions to the train station, but made a statement that, roughly, compared the askee to a large litter of piglets? 
• What career did you have your heart set on while in school but were told by your guidance counselor that "your talents lie elsewhere"? What field did your guidance counselor think you were better suited for (sewer pipe servicer, lice technician, etc.)? 
• What word do you always misspell? (Please use the correct spelling here.) 
• What city anywhere in the world would you want to live? (If this city is more than 800 miles from your current residence, why do you want to live there? Do you have a record you need to run from? Is there something you're not telling us? Do you...) 
• What epitaph would you like on your tombstone? (Limit of 30 characters, please. Example: If you are an auctioneer, you might lean toward "Going, going, gone.") 
• What name did you consider bestowing on your firstborn, but worked with a horrible co-worker of that name that rendered the name totally unsuitable? 
• What name did you consider for your firstborn, but were informed by your in-laws that this would happen only "over our dead bodies"?

And, finally: 

• What name do you privately give to this institution? (Your privacy will be respected, but remember that we probably know where you live.)