No more blood sucking--maybe

This summer I found myself in need of a cross-cultural media campaign strategy, something that could reach across the great divide between humans and...mosquitoes. The message I wanted, desperately, to convey was this: 

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE JUST AS MUCH BLOOD AS ME. MAYBE MORE. TAKE THEIRS. 

Mosquitoes are not equal-opportunity diners. Approximately 19% of humans provide 100% of the average mosquito's diet. We few are their breakfast, lunch, dinner, morning snack, late afternoon snack, midnight snack, watching-TV snack, etc. If any political candidates are running on a platform of leveling this playing field so that more of the population gives its fair share of blood to this cause, they have my hearty support.

In the meantime, I have ordered a device, a lantern, that can be used outdoors to repel mosquitoes. It reportedly forms an invisible, protective shield around anyone sitting nearby. I have not tried it out yet, one reason being that the directions for assembly are so lengthy that it seems easier to just sit around and get bitten. And that doesn't include the directions for USING it.

The assembly directions go something like this:

1. Preparation of device for usage requires ample space in which to work, such as a large, open outdoor field. Prepare accordingly, securing any necessary environmental permissions, etc.
2. Disassemble all three sections of the device. Mix them up thoroughly so you cannot remember which part fits into which other part.
3. Locate the bottom section of the device and insert four AA batteries into it. If you cannot locate the four batteries, this is because they are not included. Look in the drawer where you keep batteries. If necessary, secure batteries from some other, little-used battery-operated item in your house.
4. In the middle section of the device, insert the butane cartridge. Only cartridges from original manufacturer will work in the device (what did you expect?). And they are expensive. So do not mess up on this step.
5. In the grill on top of the device, insert the repellent pad by carefully sliding it under the grill, carefully pulling it back out when it gets all tangled up, and repeating however many times necessary.
6. Put all the parts back together. If you are female, do not ask your husband for help. If you are male, do not ask ANYONE for help. If you have parts left over, they probably belong to some other disassembled item.
7. In the event you are able to assemble all the sections back together in proper fashion, congratulations! You are in the top 6% of users. If the device WORKS when you have it all put together, you are in the top 1%.
8. To start the device,turn the ON/OFF switch to ON. Be aware: The device is not actually ON at this point. To further turn it ON, locate the button that says PUSH. Press this button six times in rapid succession. Sixteen times may be better. The device is now ON. Most likely.
9. Cartridges last 45 minutes. By the time you have assembled the device and waited for it to begin working, you may need another cartridge. If so, repeat from Step 1.
10. To store longer than one day without usage, disassemble the entire device.

The device comes with myriad warnings, as you might expect of something that is expected to seriously do battle with one of humankind's most hated enemies.

• Do not assemble indoors. This includes the garage AND your relatives' garages.
• Do not keep open food nearby. Chemicals from the device may alter food molecules, causing the food to get off the plate and walk away.
• Extremely flammable. Do not use near flames. Do not smoke around this device. Do not smoke when NOT around this device. (This message paid for by your mother.)
• Do not lick the repellent pad. Do not let children or pets lick the pad. Mosquitoes may lick the pad.
• Device is designed to work while you are at rest. For best results, do not walk, run, jump, crawl, hula dance, shimmy, or breathe too fast around the device.

To further the public's understanding of this device and its operation, we present here a short Q&A with a totally fictional representative of the manufacturer.

Q&A

Q: Why does the device show a mosquito with a line through it on the top, where the repellent pad goes under a grill?
A: This is a warning not to use the device to intentionally barbeque your mosquitoes.

Q: Someone would do that?
A: If we don't tell them not to, they might.

Q: It says the device is effective against not only mosquitoes, but also "biting flies, flying insects, and bugs." What about certain people who bug me?
A: Sorry. We can only do so much for $29.95.

Q: It sounds like the device won't work very well unless I'm just sitting around. Couldn't you have made an "active" version?
A: Who are you, James Bond?

Q: Hey, does he get bitten a lot, too? That would make a good book. The Spy Who Got Eaten Alive by Mosqi--
A: NEXT!