Today we had intended to bring you commentary on a news item about how the discovery of a rare spider has halted road construction in Texas, but reading that story about spiders led to reading other stories about spiders and soon we were freaking ourselves out and becoming convinced that spiders were pretty much poised to take over the world. Therefore no feature on them will be presented today. Or, probably, ever.
We have come across a news report regarding a Russian man who apparently offended his girlfriend. The news report did not elaborate on his exact transgression, but if Russian men and women are anything like American men and women, the man probably has no idea exactly where things went wrong.
Regardless, desperate to get back into her good graces, the man -- who is not named in the report, so let's call him Yevgeny -- must have thought long and hard about how to reverse this state of affairs. While he was musing, he happened to look out his window and notice his neighbor's field full of hay. Finally, he hit upon just the right solution!
"I will give her hay!" he thought excitedly. This was swiftly followed by a more rational thought: "I don't have any hay." But he is not one to give up on a great idea. "I will steal it!"
And, according to news sources, he did -- 1 1/2 tons, to be exact.
Now, I freely admit ignorance of Russian customs in regard to relationships. It may be that the gift of a large amount of animal feed that does not, technically, belong to you is a perfectly accepted manner of apologizing to an offended loved one. Or possibly Yevgeny requires some retraining in the art of courting.
The news accounts do not say whether the hay ever reached its intended recipient. If it did, we can imagine the conversation between Yevgeny and his beloved, whom we shall call Olga:
Yevgeny: Olga! I was brute. I should not have (here his words are muffled, as he still is not exactly sure what he should not have done). Forgive, please!
Olga (unimpressed): And just why should I forgive you?
Y: Look! I bring a peace offering for you. (He gestures proudly toward the large cart of hay.) I steal for you!
O: (silent for a long moment)
Y: Ah! You are too overwhelmed for words!
O: (sighing) You stole hay? Really, Yevgeny, if you were going to steal something, couldn't you have stolen a diamond or something?
Y: But...I thought you would be pleased!
O: Well, you were mistaken. Please leave now.
Y: What...what should I do with the hay?
O: (sounding bored) Oh, take it to the field at the edge of town and dump it.
Y: (as he does so, he is astonished to find two other men there, also dumping carts of hay) What is this!
Men: Join the club, pal. (The three dump their useless hay and head off together to eat somewhere.)
But of course Yevgeny never got to enjoy his meal that night, as he was arrested for possession of stolen hay and, possibly, for Acting Upon a Stupid Impulse. Olga makes no further appearance in the official records, but we might speculate a number of things about her, including that she is now seeking a man who does not live next door to someone with large amounts of hay.
2 comments:
Being of Russian heritage, I have been thinking long and hard to try to remember if stealing hay in order to make up with a beloved is something generally done. I can honestly say that I am fairly certain that whenever my parents fought and made up, I never saw hay in any amount in the vicinity. Scientific? Maybe not, but I feel it must be worth noting...
If you haven't noticed, the bar for scientific standards on this blog is not set extremely high. So your evidence is good enough for us! (And we are quite relieved to hear that this hay business may not be a widespread practice.)
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