Last week we started a primer on surviving this hectic holiday season. Today we continue offering advice that may be useful, although we doubt it.
Christmas cards
With everyone wanting to extend warm holiday wishes to everyone they currently know, have ever known, or perhaps may someday fly over while on a plane to Europe, chances are there is at least one person you exchange cards with each year that you have no idea who they are. To keep your card list manageable, you must pare it down. Just stop sending cards to everyone except pets (they can't reciprocate).
Be warned, however, that this will not discourage a certain percentage of people on your list. They will keep sending you cards until you take more drastic measures, such as sending their card back, unopened, and stamped "Known terrorist. Destroy contents."
Wrapping gifts
Some people find it stressful to sit down with large numbers of gifts and transform them into colorful packages with matching ribbons and bows, because when they do so, the packages come out resembling something attempted by a tree fungus. I am one of these people (my apologies to any actual tree fungi). My suggestion is to explain to each of your gift recipients that this year, out of great concern and respect for the environment and trees and tree fungi, you are doing the responsible thing, and wrapping their gifts in 100% recycled toilet paper.
Holiday treats
'Tis the season to be avoiding the office break room, where lurk all manner of things not good for us. Although scientists have not yet been able to prove it, they highly suspect that if two or more holiday goodies are left in a room, alone, they will multiply prodigiously until they fill every surface, whereupon they will flow onto the floor and out the door and start harassing workers in their cubicles until finally, worn down, the workers consume them.
At least this seems to be how it works at our office. Although we all complain loudly about the excess food hanging around this time of year, we will consume anything that resembles calories. Chocolate-covered rubber bands could start proliferating in the kitchen, and we would eat them.
The only real remedy for this situation is January. In January, the typical office break room is either a) completely bare of food, or b) transformed into a Health Bar, overflowing with fruits and vegetables and other natural, twig-like foods. Enjoy them! And try not to think about Valentine's Day candy, which, for all I know, is already on its way to a store near you.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Behold the white elephant!
The Hero and Princess are freshly back from the Midwest, where they visited numerous of the Hero's relatives and participated in various Christmas traditions, including eating 30 pounds of chocolate and seeing how many people could be squeezed into our host's living room (Answer: 53 pre-chocolate, 41 1/2 post-chocolate).
Each year the Hero's family also traditionally holds a white elephant gift exchange. Most participants search thoughtfully for the perfect gift to bring, defined as "the item in my house or garage or storage unit that I most abhor and would delight in passing along to some unsuspecting friend or family member."
For some people, this item jumps right out at them: It is the gift they received at the white elephant exchange LAST year. In our family exchange, some items have made an appearance every year since 1984.
For other people, choosing an appropriate white elephant gift is a bit more difficult. ANYTHING in their house could qualify.
Since the Hero and I come to this gift exchange from a great distance, we carefully and thoughtfully choose a NEW item that is purchased about five minutes before the exchange is set to take place. The Hero's strategy is to buy something he likes so that there will be at least one gift that he can live with. This item is also generally something other participants would NOT enjoy getting, such as an advanced textbook on the theory of orthogonalized factors and vector field partitioned matrices, thereby guaranteeing that no one will steal it from him.
Because yes: participants in the gift exchange are allowed to steal a gift already chosen by another participant. Sometimes an item is so popular we almost come to blows over it. This year that item was a set of four Peanuts drinking glasses, which remarkably matched not only each other but also the box they were wrapped in (because we had just bought it at Target five minutes before).
Coming in close behind the glasses in popularity were 64 rolls of Scott toilet paper. I confess that this item also was donated by us, and must stress that it was a completely NEW item, in the sense that it came right from Target and not from our own personal stash of toilet paper. So, although technically it was not a used item, which white elephant gifts usually are, the recipient generously overlooked this particular breach of the rules.
I picked out this item while the Hero was on the phone at Target, and when he hung up he marveled that I hadn't found a BIGGER box of toilet paper. Luckily the Target employees seem very used to customers doing odd things, and did not question why we were attempting to fit a ginormous box of toilet paper into a gift bag.
One item that did NOT go over well was a large wooden jewelry display case, whose recipient spent the better part of the exchange trying to interest the other participants in stealing it from her. "Now, remember, folks, you can have this LOVELY, broken jewelry case for FREE!" she said each time it was someone's turn to choose a gift.
In the end the Hero agreed to give this recipient a book he had received in the exchange, on Marilyn Monroe, as long as the trade did NOT involve his having to take the jewelry case in return. We are not sure what the eventual fate of the case was, but we fully expect to see it at next year's gift exchange.
Each year the Hero's family also traditionally holds a white elephant gift exchange. Most participants search thoughtfully for the perfect gift to bring, defined as "the item in my house or garage or storage unit that I most abhor and would delight in passing along to some unsuspecting friend or family member."
For some people, this item jumps right out at them: It is the gift they received at the white elephant exchange LAST year. In our family exchange, some items have made an appearance every year since 1984.
For other people, choosing an appropriate white elephant gift is a bit more difficult. ANYTHING in their house could qualify.
Since the Hero and I come to this gift exchange from a great distance, we carefully and thoughtfully choose a NEW item that is purchased about five minutes before the exchange is set to take place. The Hero's strategy is to buy something he likes so that there will be at least one gift that he can live with. This item is also generally something other participants would NOT enjoy getting, such as an advanced textbook on the theory of orthogonalized factors and vector field partitioned matrices, thereby guaranteeing that no one will steal it from him.
Because yes: participants in the gift exchange are allowed to steal a gift already chosen by another participant. Sometimes an item is so popular we almost come to blows over it. This year that item was a set of four Peanuts drinking glasses, which remarkably matched not only each other but also the box they were wrapped in (because we had just bought it at Target five minutes before).
Coming in close behind the glasses in popularity were 64 rolls of Scott toilet paper. I confess that this item also was donated by us, and must stress that it was a completely NEW item, in the sense that it came right from Target and not from our own personal stash of toilet paper. So, although technically it was not a used item, which white elephant gifts usually are, the recipient generously overlooked this particular breach of the rules.
I picked out this item while the Hero was on the phone at Target, and when he hung up he marveled that I hadn't found a BIGGER box of toilet paper. Luckily the Target employees seem very used to customers doing odd things, and did not question why we were attempting to fit a ginormous box of toilet paper into a gift bag.
One item that did NOT go over well was a large wooden jewelry display case, whose recipient spent the better part of the exchange trying to interest the other participants in stealing it from her. "Now, remember, folks, you can have this LOVELY, broken jewelry case for FREE!" she said each time it was someone's turn to choose a gift.
In the end the Hero agreed to give this recipient a book he had received in the exchange, on Marilyn Monroe, as long as the trade did NOT involve his having to take the jewelry case in return. We are not sure what the eventual fate of the case was, but we fully expect to see it at next year's gift exchange.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Ho-ho-holiday advice
Ho ho ho...it's time for some reminders on how, at this potentially stressful time of year, you can remain calm, happy, and unaffected by all the chaos around you (hint: drink lots of eggnog). One suggestion is to find a quiet place and just stay there. The entire month. Do not leave your quiet place. Order delivery, arrange for someone to bring your mail right to the door, etc. Whatever you do, do NOT go to the post office, mall, Walmart, Target, supermarket, or any other establishment that is not located within the confines of your personal property.
If this suggestion does not work for you, you could choose to spend the busy holiday season in some location where Christmas is generally a little more low-key, such as in the Arctic. You could also spend the season in bed, which sounds pretty good to me right now.
But if you absolutely must participate in society, here are a few tips for getting around all those crowds and maintaining your sanity (if you didn't have it in the first place, we can't help you):
At the airport
If you are traveling by air this holiday season, remember that so is pretty much everyone else in the known universe. Plan to arrive well before your flight is scheduled to leave, such as several months.
Packing for your return flight
If you've been good this year, chances are you'll have quite a few gifts to bring home with you. Where to put them? One solution, which requires advance planning, is to bring several empty suitcases with you and graciously request that givers simply place your well-deserved gifts in one of these suitcases. This is a clever strategy to use when you really DON'T want any gifts, because that is what you'll be likely to get: nothing.
Some people advocate making room in your luggage for gifts by sending your dirty laundry home through the mail or package delivery. This does not make much sense to us. Statistically, your checked bags are more likely to get lost than anything you send, so why wouldn't you check your laundry on the plane and mail all your gifts home? You could even attach a note to the bags of laundry to this effect: Please take, wash, and return to [your name and address]. Note: Please use only gentle, hypoallergenic, organic, corn-fed, free-range detergent.
If you have not been good this year, ignore all these instructions. You'll have plenty of room in your carry-on for your coal.
We regret that our tip-giving has been cut short today. There has been a minor emergency involving some laundry and free-range detergent. We shall return.
If this suggestion does not work for you, you could choose to spend the busy holiday season in some location where Christmas is generally a little more low-key, such as in the Arctic. You could also spend the season in bed, which sounds pretty good to me right now.
But if you absolutely must participate in society, here are a few tips for getting around all those crowds and maintaining your sanity (if you didn't have it in the first place, we can't help you):
At the airport
If you are traveling by air this holiday season, remember that so is pretty much everyone else in the known universe. Plan to arrive well before your flight is scheduled to leave, such as several months.
Packing for your return flight
If you've been good this year, chances are you'll have quite a few gifts to bring home with you. Where to put them? One solution, which requires advance planning, is to bring several empty suitcases with you and graciously request that givers simply place your well-deserved gifts in one of these suitcases. This is a clever strategy to use when you really DON'T want any gifts, because that is what you'll be likely to get: nothing.
Some people advocate making room in your luggage for gifts by sending your dirty laundry home through the mail or package delivery. This does not make much sense to us. Statistically, your checked bags are more likely to get lost than anything you send, so why wouldn't you check your laundry on the plane and mail all your gifts home? You could even attach a note to the bags of laundry to this effect: Please take, wash, and return to [your name and address]. Note: Please use only gentle, hypoallergenic, organic, corn-fed, free-range detergent.
If you have not been good this year, ignore all these instructions. You'll have plenty of room in your carry-on for your coal.
We regret that our tip-giving has been cut short today. There has been a minor emergency involving some laundry and free-range detergent. We shall return.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Where we are
We regret the limited appearance of postings this week. All writing energies (such as they are) have been reassigned to work on the Princess and Hero's annual Christmas newsletter, which due to procrastination sometimes threatens to become a Groundhog's Day newsletter. We are working very hard to avoid that this year.
Stay tuned, as eventually we will return. For SURE before Easter.
Stay tuned, as eventually we will return. For SURE before Easter.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Welcome to Midnight Madness! Please check your sanity at the door
Our nearby historic town offers several cultural opportunities throughout the year. One such anticipated event in the early part of December is Midnight Madness, during which the stores and restaurants are open until midnight, and many stores have free cider, or perhaps hot chocolate, and little cookies. Unless you get there too late like we do, and then there are only little cookie crumbs. (But they're still FREE.)
Midnight Madness is always highly anticipated and well attended. Basically, the idea is that even though the stores and restaurants are open during the week and on weekends, with quite adequate hours, and people can generally enjoy a crowd-free visit during these times, it is MUCH more fun to visit as part of a great mass of people descending on the town all at once, at night, in temperatures usually reserved for places like the Ellsworth Mountains, Antarctica.
All these people compete with each other for sidewalk space. Due to heavy vehicle traffic, the cars are also competing for use of the sidewalk. This year the organizers seem to have instituted a new rule that you had to visit the town in large groups, preferably at least 10 people. (Small dogs count as .5.) From what we could tell, all the people in a group were required to proceed abreast down the sidewalk, such that no other group (or smaller groups in violation of the rule) could possibly pass them. All 10 in a group also evidently had to pass into and out of stores together, creating huge jams. A great many people enter a store during Midnight Madness and get caught up in a vortex, going around and around inside the store, and never emerging. Some people are still missing from Midnight Madness 1975.
If you wish to actually purchase something during Midnight Madness, you are advised to get in line as early as possible. 4 p.m. is not too early. Even then, you will merely inch up toward the counter, so slowly that your body might start to go into hibernation, and when you are finally within sight of the cash register, you will hear someone announce, "Sorry, it's now midnight and we are closed!" So, forget whatever it was you wanted to buy, just grab whatever's closest and get in line. (We suggest the cookies.)
Other attractions include costumed madrigal singers singing old-fashioned carols to passersby, and Santa playing a saxophone. This year, the costumed madrigal singers seemed to be merely costumed madrigal walkers, as we passed them several times but never heard them singing. Or maybe they WERE singing, and we just couldn't hear them above Santa's saxophone.
Elvis often makes an appearance, and always graciously consents to having his picture taken with fans, particularly those of a certain age and gender. Curiously, we have noted that while Elvis is willing to pose for photos, in all the times we have seen him we have never heard him sing. Call us cynical, but we are beginning to doubt that this is the REAL Elvis.
Surprisingly, parking presents no real issues during Midnight Madness. This is because drivers do not feel the need to fight over limited, actual parking spaces. Instead, they cheerfully make use of no-parking zones, the sidewalk, grass, dry riverbeds, tall trees, rooftops, the church clock tower, etc.
All in all, it is a successful evening, particularly for the store and restaurant owners, most of whom spend most of the year in preparations for this one evening, and the rest of the year in therapy.
Next year, please leave us some cookies.
Midnight Madness is always highly anticipated and well attended. Basically, the idea is that even though the stores and restaurants are open during the week and on weekends, with quite adequate hours, and people can generally enjoy a crowd-free visit during these times, it is MUCH more fun to visit as part of a great mass of people descending on the town all at once, at night, in temperatures usually reserved for places like the Ellsworth Mountains, Antarctica.
All these people compete with each other for sidewalk space. Due to heavy vehicle traffic, the cars are also competing for use of the sidewalk. This year the organizers seem to have instituted a new rule that you had to visit the town in large groups, preferably at least 10 people. (Small dogs count as .5.) From what we could tell, all the people in a group were required to proceed abreast down the sidewalk, such that no other group (or smaller groups in violation of the rule) could possibly pass them. All 10 in a group also evidently had to pass into and out of stores together, creating huge jams. A great many people enter a store during Midnight Madness and get caught up in a vortex, going around and around inside the store, and never emerging. Some people are still missing from Midnight Madness 1975.
If you wish to actually purchase something during Midnight Madness, you are advised to get in line as early as possible. 4 p.m. is not too early. Even then, you will merely inch up toward the counter, so slowly that your body might start to go into hibernation, and when you are finally within sight of the cash register, you will hear someone announce, "Sorry, it's now midnight and we are closed!" So, forget whatever it was you wanted to buy, just grab whatever's closest and get in line. (We suggest the cookies.)
Other attractions include costumed madrigal singers singing old-fashioned carols to passersby, and Santa playing a saxophone. This year, the costumed madrigal singers seemed to be merely costumed madrigal walkers, as we passed them several times but never heard them singing. Or maybe they WERE singing, and we just couldn't hear them above Santa's saxophone.
Elvis often makes an appearance, and always graciously consents to having his picture taken with fans, particularly those of a certain age and gender. Curiously, we have noted that while Elvis is willing to pose for photos, in all the times we have seen him we have never heard him sing. Call us cynical, but we are beginning to doubt that this is the REAL Elvis.
Surprisingly, parking presents no real issues during Midnight Madness. This is because drivers do not feel the need to fight over limited, actual parking spaces. Instead, they cheerfully make use of no-parking zones, the sidewalk, grass, dry riverbeds, tall trees, rooftops, the church clock tower, etc.
All in all, it is a successful evening, particularly for the store and restaurant owners, most of whom spend most of the year in preparations for this one evening, and the rest of the year in therapy.
Next year, please leave us some cookies.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Happy nonholidays
Well, it's that time of year again, the time when select groups of employees at businesses and organizations everywhere huddle in a secret room somewhere to undertake an extremely important mission: how to plan and throw a holiday party that is not actually holiday-related.
In an effort to make the annual year-end celebration inclusive of everyone, committee members look at every aspect of the event -- food, decorations, music, etc. -- and attempt to be sensitive to all beliefs, practices, traditions, backgrounds, and food preferences found on the staff, as well as whether they are side sleepers, back sleepers, front sleepers, etc. If the committee members are successful, this results in a nontraditional, nonoffensive, nonholiday, nonseasonal -- yet festive! -- nonevent.
This year I have joined the "holiday committee" at our company, which consists of the year-round Spirit Committee and anyone else they can rope into helping. The committee is making a valiant effort to provide an enjoyable gathering for all staff, and has hit upon what it considers an acceptable theme: childhood memories. Committee members figure it is safe to assume that everyone attending has, at least, had a childhood. (The committee is considering a disclaimer stating that by announcing this theme, it is by no means making a judgment as to what sort of childhood anyone may have had.)
So committee members and staff are being encouraged to bring games to the party, which will be held on the organization's premises, because it is a nonprofit and therefore, according to U.S. law, "ineligible for any organization-wide event costing more than several dozen cupcakes."
In keeping with the theme, the games will be favorite childhood games. The committee is fervently hoping that no one on staff enjoyed an occasional childhood game of setting fire to objects or people or animals, as this will not be allowed, and therefore that person would feel un-included at the party.
Of course there will be food, and the decorations will be distinctly nonholiday related.
We also decided to hold a door-decorating contest. This proved to be a difficult topic, with heated debate on what the theme for the door decorations should be.
"Uh, shouldn't the theme be...Christmas? the holidays?" one member asked tentatively, as if afraid of being nominated for the Duh Award.
Not everyone celebrates Christmas, this member was reminded.
It was then suggested that the theme be "winter holidays." That was certainly more inclusive, wasn't it?
"But not everyone celebrates a holiday in the winter," someone noted. "Or they might not celebrate any holidays at all." No one could think of anyone on staff who might fit into this category, but fearful that we might have been overlooking someone, we abandoned the winter holiday theme.
"How about we tie it into the theme of the party, childhood memories?" someone suggested.
"Yeah -- maybe WINTER childhood memories."
It was pointed out that if someone had grown up in, say, Florida, THEIR childhood memories would not include any snow, or any other recognizable "winter" events.
We soon drifted into two factions: those who desperately clung to wanting the door decorating contest to have SOMETHING, no matter how remote a connection, to do with the current season, or holidays. Commercialism. Something. Anything.
The other faction felt equally strongly that doing so would inevitably leave someone out, and that would not spread holiday cheer. Or winter cheer.
In the end, just plain "childhood memories" won out.
Though it was decided that one game would be Pin the Tail on the Donkey, there was a lengthy discussion about the appropriateness of changing it to Pin the Tail on Rudolph. In the end it was decided to go with Rudy, because pretty much everyone loves Rudy. (You may be forgiven if you are confused about why, if everyone loves Rudy, we would find it amusing to stick him with pins. It's complicated.)
The one possible concession to Christmas that we are considering is a holiday-related movie to run during the party (silently). It was decided that pretty much everyone (everyone being all eight of us on the committee) also loves Charlie Brown, so a Charlie Brown movie it will be. Whether or not it will be the Charlie Brown Christmas movie, however, remains to be seen, mainly depending on whether anyone on the committee has this DVD and can bring it for the party. We may have to settle for The Great Pumpkin.
Maybe we can play Pin the Stem on the Great Pumpkin.
In an effort to make the annual year-end celebration inclusive of everyone, committee members look at every aspect of the event -- food, decorations, music, etc. -- and attempt to be sensitive to all beliefs, practices, traditions, backgrounds, and food preferences found on the staff, as well as whether they are side sleepers, back sleepers, front sleepers, etc. If the committee members are successful, this results in a nontraditional, nonoffensive, nonholiday, nonseasonal -- yet festive! -- nonevent.
This year I have joined the "holiday committee" at our company, which consists of the year-round Spirit Committee and anyone else they can rope into helping. The committee is making a valiant effort to provide an enjoyable gathering for all staff, and has hit upon what it considers an acceptable theme: childhood memories. Committee members figure it is safe to assume that everyone attending has, at least, had a childhood. (The committee is considering a disclaimer stating that by announcing this theme, it is by no means making a judgment as to what sort of childhood anyone may have had.)
So committee members and staff are being encouraged to bring games to the party, which will be held on the organization's premises, because it is a nonprofit and therefore, according to U.S. law, "ineligible for any organization-wide event costing more than several dozen cupcakes."
In keeping with the theme, the games will be favorite childhood games. The committee is fervently hoping that no one on staff enjoyed an occasional childhood game of setting fire to objects or people or animals, as this will not be allowed, and therefore that person would feel un-included at the party.
Of course there will be food, and the decorations will be distinctly nonholiday related.
We also decided to hold a door-decorating contest. This proved to be a difficult topic, with heated debate on what the theme for the door decorations should be.
"Uh, shouldn't the theme be...Christmas? the holidays?" one member asked tentatively, as if afraid of being nominated for the Duh Award.
Not everyone celebrates Christmas, this member was reminded.
It was then suggested that the theme be "winter holidays." That was certainly more inclusive, wasn't it?
"But not everyone celebrates a holiday in the winter," someone noted. "Or they might not celebrate any holidays at all." No one could think of anyone on staff who might fit into this category, but fearful that we might have been overlooking someone, we abandoned the winter holiday theme.
"How about we tie it into the theme of the party, childhood memories?" someone suggested.
"Yeah -- maybe WINTER childhood memories."
It was pointed out that if someone had grown up in, say, Florida, THEIR childhood memories would not include any snow, or any other recognizable "winter" events.
We soon drifted into two factions: those who desperately clung to wanting the door decorating contest to have SOMETHING, no matter how remote a connection, to do with the current season, or holidays. Commercialism. Something. Anything.
The other faction felt equally strongly that doing so would inevitably leave someone out, and that would not spread holiday cheer. Or winter cheer.
In the end, just plain "childhood memories" won out.
Though it was decided that one game would be Pin the Tail on the Donkey, there was a lengthy discussion about the appropriateness of changing it to Pin the Tail on Rudolph. In the end it was decided to go with Rudy, because pretty much everyone loves Rudy. (You may be forgiven if you are confused about why, if everyone loves Rudy, we would find it amusing to stick him with pins. It's complicated.)
The one possible concession to Christmas that we are considering is a holiday-related movie to run during the party (silently). It was decided that pretty much everyone (everyone being all eight of us on the committee) also loves Charlie Brown, so a Charlie Brown movie it will be. Whether or not it will be the Charlie Brown Christmas movie, however, remains to be seen, mainly depending on whether anyone on the committee has this DVD and can bring it for the party. We may have to settle for The Great Pumpkin.
Maybe we can play Pin the Stem on the Great Pumpkin.
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