Happy nonholidays

Well, it's that time of year again, the time when select groups of employees at businesses and organizations everywhere huddle in a secret room somewhere to undertake an extremely important mission: how to plan and throw a holiday party that is not actually holiday-related.


In an effort to make the annual year-end celebration inclusive of everyone, committee members look at every aspect of the event -- food, decorations, music, etc. -- and attempt to be sensitive to all beliefs, practices, traditions, backgrounds, and food preferences found on the staff, as well as whether they are side sleepers, back sleepers, front sleepers, etc. If the committee members are successful, this results in a nontraditional, nonoffensive, nonholiday, nonseasonal -- yet festive! -- nonevent.


This year I have joined the "holiday committee" at our company, which consists of the year-round Spirit Committee and anyone else they can rope into helping. The committee is making a valiant effort to provide an enjoyable gathering for all staff, and has hit upon what it considers an acceptable theme: childhood memories. Committee members figure it is safe to assume that everyone attending has, at least, had a childhood. (The committee is considering a disclaimer stating that by announcing this theme, it is by no means making a judgment as to what sort of childhood anyone may have had.)


So committee members and staff are being encouraged to bring games to the party, which will be held on the organization's premises, because it is a nonprofit and therefore, according to U.S. law, "ineligible for any organization-wide event costing more than several dozen cupcakes."


In keeping with the theme, the games will be favorite childhood games. The committee is fervently hoping that no one on staff enjoyed an occasional childhood game of setting fire to objects or people or animals, as this will not be allowed, and therefore that person would feel un-included at the party.


Of course there will be food, and the decorations will be distinctly nonholiday related. 


We also decided to hold a door-decorating contest. This proved to be a difficult topic, with heated debate on what the theme for the door decorations should be.


"Uh, shouldn't the theme be...Christmas? the holidays?" one member asked tentatively, as if afraid of being nominated for the Duh Award.


Not everyone celebrates Christmas, this member was reminded.


It was then suggested that the theme be "winter holidays." That was certainly more inclusive, wasn't it?


"But not everyone celebrates a holiday in the winter," someone noted. "Or they might not celebrate any holidays at all." No one could think of anyone on staff who might fit into this category, but fearful that we might have been overlooking someone, we abandoned the winter holiday theme.


"How about we tie it into the theme of the party, childhood memories?" someone suggested.


"Yeah -- maybe WINTER childhood memories."


It was pointed out that if someone had grown up in, say, Florida, THEIR childhood memories would not include any snow, or any other recognizable "winter" events.


We soon drifted into two factions: those who desperately clung to wanting the door decorating contest to have SOMETHING, no matter how remote a connection, to do with the current season, or holidays. Commercialism. Something. Anything.


The other faction felt equally strongly that doing so would inevitably leave someone out, and that would not spread holiday cheer. Or winter cheer.


In the end, just plain "childhood memories" won out.


Though it was decided that one game would be Pin the Tail on the Donkey, there was a lengthy discussion about the appropriateness of changing it to Pin the Tail on Rudolph. In the end it was decided to go with Rudy, because pretty much everyone loves Rudy. (You may be forgiven if you are confused about why, if everyone loves Rudy, we would find it amusing to stick him with pins. It's complicated.)


The one possible concession to Christmas that we are considering is a holiday-related movie to run during the party (silently). It was decided that pretty much everyone (everyone being all eight of us on the committee) also loves Charlie Brown, so a Charlie Brown movie it will be. Whether or not it will be the Charlie Brown Christmas movie, however, remains to be seen, mainly depending on whether anyone on the committee has this DVD and can bring it for the party. We may have to settle for The Great Pumpkin.


Maybe we can play Pin the Stem on the Great Pumpkin.