Further holiday hints

Last week we started a primer on surviving this hectic holiday season. Today we continue offering advice that may be useful, although we doubt it.


Christmas cards
With everyone wanting to extend warm holiday wishes to everyone they currently know, have ever known, or perhaps may someday fly over while on a plane to Europe, chances are there is at least one person you exchange cards with each year that you have no idea who they are. To keep your card list manageable, you must pare it down. Just stop sending cards to everyone except pets (they can't reciprocate).


Be warned, however, that this will not discourage a certain percentage of people on your list. They will keep sending you cards until you take more drastic measures, such as sending their card back, unopened, and stamped "Known terrorist. Destroy contents."


Wrapping gifts
Some people find it stressful to sit down with large numbers of gifts and transform them into colorful packages with matching ribbons and bows, because when they do so, the packages come out resembling something attempted by a tree fungus. I am one of these people (my apologies to any actual tree fungi). My suggestion is to explain to each of your gift recipients that this year, out of great concern and respect for the environment and trees and tree fungi, you are doing the responsible thing, and wrapping their gifts in 100% recycled toilet paper.


Holiday treats
'Tis the season to be avoiding the office break room, where lurk all manner of things not good for us. Although scientists have not yet been able to prove it, they highly suspect that if two or more holiday goodies are left in a room, alone, they will multiply prodigiously until they fill every surface, whereupon they will flow onto the floor and out the door and start harassing workers in their cubicles until finally, worn down, the workers consume them. 


At least this seems to be how it works at our office. Although we all complain loudly about the excess food hanging around this time of year, we will consume anything that resembles calories. Chocolate-covered rubber bands could start proliferating in the kitchen, and we would eat them.


The only real remedy for this situation is January. In January, the typical office break room is either a) completely bare of food, or b) transformed into a Health Bar, overflowing with fruits and vegetables and other natural, twig-like foods. Enjoy them! And try not to think about Valentine's Day candy, which, for all I know, is already on its way to a store near you.