We've got scary covered

It's a bit early, but we're all ready for Halloween at our house. We didn't even have to do much of the work ourselves. With very little effort on our part, indeed even without our knowledge, our house has pretty much taken care of turning itself into a destination for Halloween fright.

The excitement begins outside, where the stairway that leads to our door is booby-trapped with spider webs strung across the steps. To get to the door you have to plow right through these. As you do so, you might ponder the thought that it is a scientific fact that a spider web is 3,000 times more sticky than silly string. Also that some spiders have been known to take revenge for the disturbance of their webs.

Once indoors, there are additional cobwebs to dodge. Amazingly, some of these seem to form in mere seconds. An entire doorway that, a moment earlier, you walked through quite easily, can be entirely sealed off to the unlucky person behind you.

(Not to interrupt things, but what exactly is a cobweb, anyway? Is there something called a cob that spins a web? Do spiders ever get caught in a cob's web? Do the two ever fight over territory? Do cobs take revenge?)

If spooky noises are your thing, we have those in abundance. The refrigerator emits a series of noises that sound as if it is having a conversation with itself, and the discussion is whether to just eat whole the next person unlucky enough to open the door or to merely dismember them and stuff them in the freezer for a snack later. Although we keep close tabs on what lives in our refrigerator, occasionally mooshy, unidentifiable food things can be seen that, if you were brave enough to touch them, might be mistaken for brains.

The refrigerator noises, however, have nothing on those of the toilet lid. Made to slowly close on its own even if dropped, it has inexplicably begun to make eerie, back-of-your-neck-hair-raising sounds as it lowers. The Hero cannot resist picking it up, letting go, picking it up, etc., over and over to hear it. We are alternately amused and uncomfortable at the sound. We can be amused because we know what it is. 

Or do we?

As you move through the house, scary creatures occasionally swoop down at you. They are most likely stink bugs, creatures that seem to have traded their ability to navigate with any purpose in exchange for...we're not sure what, as they have no positive qualities whatsoever. (Warning: They particularly like the color white, and if they get scared, or annoyed, they will...well, let's just say they are not potty trained. If you wear white, and at some point you notice brown splotches on your clothes, don't say we didn't warn you.)

There are other scary creatures in our house as well. I am thinking here of those that lurk in the mirror, particularly in the mornings, but as this is a particularly frightening prospect that's all we'll say about it. 

Occasionally there are scenes of gore, such as when I am operating electrical equipment in the kitchen. Actually, electricity does not even have to be involved: Anything sharp, like a knife or a paper envelope (and also glass jars of applesauce at the grocery store, but that's enough about that), can whirl around unpredictably and land in someone's flesh. If you see something emerge from the house looking like a mummy with Band-aids all over, most likely it has been involved in a little skirmish in the kitchen.

The only thing missing so far is something going thump in the night. We're waiting. We know it will come at some point...thump, thump...and we'll tell ourselves it's the toilet seat lid.