The Book of Rules

I must say that I was impressed with the state of our house when I came home from the writer's workshop. After three days of my absence, the house actually looked somewhat better than it usually does. This was due, in part, to the fact that Joe does not bother with things like utensils, plates, etc. when I am not here, and probably also to the fact that I issued several pointed hints about my expectations for housekeeping before I left. But still, it was an impressive feat. I should go away more often.

But I got a nasty surprise yesterday when I sought out my secret chocolate stash. Actually, it's not so secret; since Joe doesn't typically eat chocolate, I sometimes hide it in plain sight. In this case, I had half a Kit Kat bar in the fridge. Or I had had it. When I went to look for it yesterday, it wasn't in the door where I had left it. In something of a chocolate panic, I frantically searched the entire refrigerator for my Kit Kat. It wasn't behind the juice, or in the vegetable bin, or behind the cottage cheese. It had been the last of my chocolate stash, and I spent the rest of the day in withdrawal.

Still, I didn't really think Joe had eaten it. I thought perhaps I had eaten it at some point and just forgot. When he came home, I casually asked if he had seen my Kit Kat.

"Oh, I saw it, all right," he said with a grin. "It tasted pretty good, too!"

I stared at him. "You really shouldn't have done that," I said quietly. "That was a Major Infraction."

"It was?" he said with some surprise. "But it's not in the Book of Rules."

"It's one of those things you're just supposed to know not to do," I said.

"Ahhh," he said, "it's in the Oral Rules...I'm not as familiar with those."

"I suggest you start becoming familiar with them," I said dryly. "Besides, it's covered under the 'Don't eat the last of something without asking your spouse first' rule, and that's in the Book of Rules." This had been, in fact, one of the very first rules he'd learned as a new husband. At the time, he'd only needed one lesson.

Wisely, he did not point out that I hadn't been here to ask about the Kit Kat.

I took pity on him. "You can make up for this Major Infraction, in some small way, by following the rule of 'Always replace something you took that lawfully belonged to your spouse.' "

It remains to be seen whether he chooses to follow that rule.

The same day, I read a column about a pair of books titled "Don'ts for Wives" and "Don'ts for Husbands." Originally published in 1913 by Blanche Ebbutt (whose name, in comparison to my maiden name, makes me feel actually grateful that my maiden name rhymed with Dolly Parton), they have been reprinted for the current generation of clueless spouses. The books are small, and the columnist writing about them was of the opinion that a book that is smaller than 3 x 5 cannot possibly begin to contain all the things husbands shouldn't do. I haven't read the books, but I certainly have a suggestion to be added to the one for husbands if it's not already there.

And the next time I go away, I will make sure to eat up my chocolate before I leave.