Relaxing with fir needles

After reading yesterday's blog post, Joe would like everyone to know that the peanut shell I found in our garden is not his. Not that anyone was suggesting it was, but being fully aware that anything that goes wrong tends to get blamed on the nearest male, he is taking no chances.

Now that we have taken care of that important business, let's move on to today's equally scintillating topic: taking a fir-needle bath.

This is just one of the highly respected, time-tested, firmly supported by the medical community (of some country that ends in "-stan") remedies for dizziness that I recently found on the Internet. The exact instructions, for people experiencing dizziness of unknown causes, were these:

"Once a week, take a 20-minute fir-needle bath followed by 30 minutes of rest."

You can certainly see why a period of rest is necessary after sitting in a bunch of poky needles. You may also need reverse acupuncture after following this regimen. Although the article I read didn't say so, I'm sure this remedy is effective for other ailments, such as a pathological need to get in touch with your inner pain centers.

Okay, I had a lot more to say about this dubious remedy, but after further investigation, I have discovered that a fir-needle bath does not involve going out to your local park and filling a wheelbarrow with pine needles and pouring them into your bathtub. It does involve adding oil of fir needle to your bath water.

But logical explanations have never stopped me from taking amusement wherever I can get it. Another purported remedy, this one for headache, dizziness, and "a tendency to fall backward," is to take "5-10 drops of mistletoe extract in liquid, three times a day for a couple of weeks." I'm thinking the part about falling backward is more of a result of the remedy than a symptom: If, in response to the mistletoe, your attractive spouse comes running to smother you with romantic kisses, you're in a perfect position to swoon into the person's arms.

But before we condemn all these remedies as mere humor blog fodder, let's remember that many of us have also pooh-poohed the use of magnets for ills ranging from poor blood circulation to low car mileage. But just yesterday I read that magnets are now showing great promise in medical studies for treating depression and migraines and probably fear of German shepherds. So we should be cautious in our ridicule of the fir-needle bath and mistletoe extract. In fact, I may just try that last one myself.