Plane talk

On a recent plane ride, the Hero immediately noticed something different once we were aboard.

"It's clean," he said, looking around. 

It was true. There were no scuffs or smudges on the seats in front of us, no tray tables looking like they might separate from their locking mechanism at any moment, and there was a discernible pattern to the carpet that did not involve crushed Cheerios or dried liquid stains.

We pondered this unique situation, wondering aloud what may have precipitated it, until the man on the other side of me informed us that the entire plane was brand new.

"So they could squeeze in more seats," he said.

"Ahh," we said. "At least it's really clean."

"Not for long," he predicted.

So, this was one of Southwest's new planes. As the flight attendants discussed what to do in case of a loss of cabin pressure and admonished us not to form a line for the bathroom no matter how much we needed to use it, I embarked upon an evaluation of our new surroundings. Here, based on a detailed scrutiny of seat 13B and its immediate environs, are my thoroughly unbiased findings.

More legroom, check. Most passengers are now able to sit without their knees kissing the seat in front of them, which is important in the event that you feel sick and have to put your head between your knees. Previously, passengers feeling faint were required to just go ahead and faint, finding some comfort in the fact that they were so jammed in that there was nowhere for them to fall.

Softer seats, check. The airline has engineered special seats that, while not likely to be mistaken for a Barcalounger, nevertheless are noticeably softer than previously. I say this based on the fact that we disembarked from a multi-hour plane ride still able to retain some feeling in our respective derrieres. 

Skinnier armrests, check. Let's just say that the American public's arms, in general, are not getting any skinnier; why should armrests? When the airline was conducting focus groups to see what passengers wanted in their airplane experience, did they really get yes answers to the question "I would be comfortable with a stranger's forearm flesh hanging in my personal space during the flight"?

Less underseat storage, check. Airlines appear to be on a campaign to force passengers to travel without any luggage whatsoever. How else to explain the rising fees for checked bags, the new fees some are charging for carryon bags, and now smaller spaces in which to store those carryon bags? Soon passengers will be required to have their belongings surgically sewn somewhere inside their person, which will of course wreak havoc with the security systems. 

Lower seats, check. Although the new seats are closer to the ground than the ones on the older planes, officials have insisted that passengers will not notice -- other than the fact that they can no longer store anything larger than a Kleenex box under the seat in front of them -- because the seats now better accommodate typical human proportions. Many passengers, of both typical and atypical proportions, are likely to disagree. As for me, I can only say: 

Finally, a seat where my feet can touch the floor.