Born to be...me

Dear Coast Guard,

This letter is in reply to your radio ad currently airing in Maryland, in which a very deep, confident-sounding male voice makes a stirring case for joining your establishment. In the ad this individual says, roughly, the following:

"I was not born to take it easy. I was born to test my limits--physically and mentally. I was made to stretch myself, to meet every test laid before me. To know who I am, to seek the edge of my abilities and then push myself beyond them. I was born to excel, to achieve. To exceed expectations. I was born for the United States Coast Guard."

I must say, this ad has stirred something deep inside my soul. It is difficult to describe, but I believe it can be summed up in one word: Laziness. 

Frankly, all this talk about pushing personal limits makes me really tired. I really WAS born to take it easy. To grab the Fritos that are lying within my reach. To be comfortable in the realm of my current abilities and to stay well away from their edges. My idea of pushing myself is to go pick up the mail that came through the mail slot in the door and is now lying on the floor. Stretching myself occurs only around Thanksgiving.

And not to be snarky, but what is all that "I was born to excel, to achieve, to exceed expectations" stuff? I am all for improving one's vocabulary, but your ad sounds like a thesaurus entry for "succeed." 

No, you are not talking about me in your ad. But should you get really desperate, you should have no trouble finding me: I'll be on the couch. With my Fritos nearby.