Welcome to Hawaii

The visitor to Hawaii will quickly notice that road signs indicating mileage to the next town or other milestone have very large numbers on them. For example, on Maui we saw numerous signs indicating something like "Volcano—963.2 miles." One might wonder why interim towns or other sites of interest are not listed before the volcano on such signs. This is because there are no towns or other sites of interest between one's present location and the volcano, and at some point it was determined that a sign saying

Rocks-—4, 15, 22, 39, 65, 142, and 256 miles

Desert hillsides—Next 637 miles

Bend in road—1.1, 1.2, 1.3 1.37, 1.4, etc. miles

...might lull travelers to sleep and, worse, unnecessarily waste good signage.

Nevertheless, road signs have important information for the traveler. In Hawaii, most signs say three things: aloha (hello, welcome), mahalo (thank you), and Something Here Is Going to Try to Kill You.

This is true no matter whether you're on the beach, driving, or at the local grocery store. Here, for example, is a typical sign on the beach:

"Beware strong currents, swells, waves, rip tides, tides going out, tides coming in, flesh-tearing sea urchins, sudden drop-offs, sudden shallow areas, hidden rocks, rocks in plain sight, searing sunlight, sudden loss of sunlight, and other bathers, snorkelers, scuba divers, paddle boarders, kayakers, thieves, and individuals in unfortunate swim clothes."

Virtually every time we contemplated venturing into the water to snorkel, we were told, "Sure, it's a little rough today, no problem. Just time the waves and you'll be fine." It did not occur to anyone to question how people raised in the Midwest are supposed to know, instinctively, how to "time the waves." And if by luck or a miracle you do, by the time you convince the flippers on both your feet that they must work together to walk successfully into the water, your timing could take you right into the mouth of a Rogue Wave.

Or, say you are are settling in to see some amazing snorkeling sights. Suddenly, you feel weightless, free, moving along at incredible speed—but sideways. Then you are suddenly moving sideways in the direction you just came from. No matter how much you kick and order your body to go straight—that is, in the direction of your head—you continue to move 3 feet sideways one way and 3 feet back the other way. You have met a fun little prankster in the Hawaiian waters: The Current.

Another feature that is bent on perpetrating bodily harm are the roads. On most roads along the coastline, you have two options: Death by Smooshing Against Jagged Rocks, or Death by Falling Over Cliff's Edge Leading to Deep Ravine and/or Ocean.

In some locations there is a third option—Life—but it's pretty slim.

Other than these few trifles to worry about, you should have a GREAT time should you visit Hawaii. Just don't venture out of your hotel.

Better yet, don't step foot out of the plane when it lands. IF it lands...