Manual for kids

There are all kinds of manuals for parents on how to understand and raise their kids, but I imagine if there were manuals for kids on how to understand grownups, they would be quite different. Here's what one might look like, written by kids for kids.

KIDS' MANUAL OF ADULTS' MIXED MESSAGES

The first thing you should know about adults is that they can never make up their mind. They will spend enormous amounts of energy trying to get us to do things, and then when we do, they spend even more energy getting us to not do them. For instance, for the first twelve months of your life your parents will say "doggy" to you about a trazillion times, trying to get you to say it too. And then when they take you to church and it is very quiet and the minister is getting ready to speak, and you look in your picture book and see a doggy and say "Doggy!" very loudly, you look at them expectantly, knowing that they will be so pleased at these fruits of their efforts, but instead they put a finger over your mouth and tell you, rather harshly, "Shhh!" And that is the end of picture books in church.

For your first birthday party there will no doubt be large numbers of people gathered to celebrate, which to adults means "watch the baby stick his hands in the cake and smear it all over his face." If you are hesitant about this, they will stand around and mime what you are to do with the cake and cheer you on until you finally comply. They will capture this on camera, video, and maybe even save some frosting for your baby journal. But if you should attempt this on any other occasion, you will be severely chastised for "playing in your food."

Adults will also do crazy and, admittedly, embarrassing antics to get you to do what they call tricks -- as if we are pets -- like smiling, waving, saying bye-bye, taking out the garbage, etc. When you finally learn to do any of these things, they are in seventh heaven. "That's my widdle funny baby-waby!" they croon. But at the grocery store, this behavior is frowned upon when initiating contact with "strangers." Your adult will quickly move between you and the "stranger" with whom you are attempting eye contact and will admonish you to not talk to strangers, which is confusing because you can't even talk yet.

Another thing about which adults are confused is our behavior toward pets. Put a large furry animal in front of us, and naturally our first inclination is to touch it and see what it's made of. And indeed, most adults will encourage you to "pet the doggy!" "Pet," however, apparently has different meanings for most adults than for kids. They will quickly remove you from the doggy if you attempt to pet it in certain places, such as the eyes or mouth. "Pet," to them, means using one finger to delicately touch a single hair in the middle of the doggy's back, and then quickly retrieving your finger before any actual contact can be made. This is better described as "air petting."

Your only hope of getting through childhood without becoming hopelessly confused is to be so stinking cute that your adults will forgive your occasional lapse of understanding. Oh, and don't forget to read your manual.