Important things to know

There are many important things to know about vacationing in the Outer Banks, where we spent the last week in seclusion -- no Internet, and only sporadic forays for coffee -- and where, through no fault of our own, we were unable to locate either a sunrise or a sunset. The first thing to know is that although once on the islands you are able to enjoy a fair amount of privacy, at precisely 9:30 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. each Saturday, the entire population of the East Coast gets in a car and attempts to either (a) leave the island after arriving the previous Saturday or (b) arrive on the island for their stay until the following Saturday. Although the volume of traffic makes it appear that this is in response to a pending hurricane, be assured that it is completely normal, part of the "natural rhythm" of the islands that the tourism people are always touting.

Other than during these times, you will see very few people around, which presents a mystery of where all the people in all those cars go between Saturdays. This mystery is the subject of a nightly performance called The Lost Colony, which is ostensibly about the unknown fate of the first European settlement in America, but which everyone recognizes as an attempt to figure out where all the tourists are during the week.

Another thing to be aware of is that the weather forecast, although presented as if live and up to date, is actually a loop from 1953 and forecasts two types of weather: scattered thunderstorms, and isolated thunderstorms. This forecast is given for seven straight days, coinciding with the typical stay for vacationers, causing a general wail to go up as people arrive for the week and find that the sun is not expected to make even the tiniest of appearances during their stay. However, as they soon realize, it never actually rains there; all the rain accumulates somewhere off Bermuda until a hurricane forms, and then it gets dumped all at once, as the local forecast continues to play the loop of "isolated or scattered thunderstorms."

Thus visitors gradually realize that the weather forecast has nothing to do with real time, and that they do not necessarily have to make "rain plans" in anticipation of unfavorable weather, as we did, and perhaps find themselves in the Museum of Prehistoric Lifesaving Equipment on a perfectly sunny day.

Although the waves on the Atlantic can appear intimidating, it is comforting to know that there is an Early Warning System that offers alerts for three levels of waves. This warning system consists of a loosely arranged group of children in the water yelling thus:

Small wave: "Wave!"
Somewhat larger wave: "Big Wave!"
Hurricane-strength wave: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

These are just a few highlights of our accumulated wisdom on vacationing in the Outer Banks. In our next vacation report, we present The Outer Banks: The Full Sensory Experience. Stay tuned!