In which we are in violation

Our neighborhood is brimming over with good cheer these days. A few weeks ago there was the nice e-mail from our neighbor regarding the perverse tendency of Joe's car to honk, repeatedly and of its own accord, in the middle of the night, greatly interfering with the neighbor's slumber. Now we have received a letter from the homeowner's association management company, encouraging us to keep up the nice appearance of our home and community. This encouragement was worded basically as: "You are in grievous violation of the Governing Documents of this Association. If you fail to remedy these problems by noon tomorrow, you will be forcibly removed from your home by large men in gorilla suits, and will forfeit all your earthly possessions, which will be used to construct a monument to warn others what happens to homeowners who defy us."

Of course we were, upon reading this letter, humbly grateful for this encouragement, and in response we have worded a short letter of our own, which allows us to express our appreciation for having the error of our ways pointed out to us.

Dear Management Company,

We are grateful for your thoughtful attention to the state of our home. We would never have known, but for your bringing it to our attention, that we are living in a dump. But now that you have pointed it out, we realize we were quite remiss in not seeing that our upstairs window sill, which is so high that it is likely to be seen only by a giraffe, is in need of some paint. Obviously you have a special talent to be able to spot these things that no one else can see.

We would never want to offend the owners of the yards across the street with our less-than-stellar window sill, owners whose yards look perpetually like they are hosting rummage sales, only with stuff that's not as nice. We are sure that you have properly addressed this with these owners, as you have so thoughtfully done with our own little matter.

As for the two little spots on the cellar door that also need paint, we apologize profusely for the horror and revulsion this must cause our neighbors and any visitors to our community. We humbly regret our vagabond ways and will take immediate steps to rectify this situation. We realize that our neglect has resulted in an eyesore of such magnitude that one can hardly look beyond these areas to the beauty of the rest of the house.

To show that we are sincere in our gratefulness to you, we would like to point out that you appear to have overlooked the profusion of weeds in our front walk. Perhaps you would care to send us another letter about this matter?

Sincerely yours,
Homeowners In violation