Company descends into Ice Age

Today we bring you breaking news from a company in northern Maryland, where employees have reportedly entered an Ice Age....

Jane: We've received reports that a company in Maryland, known only as C______, has apparently entered into some type of Ice Age. It was discovered early this morning by a vendor of the company when he attempted to make a delivery. Let's go live now to our reporter, Bill. Bill?

Bill: Jane, this appears to be some sort of bizarre environmental catastrophe. The inside of the building, and everything here, is just encased in ice. We had to hack our way in.

Jane: What about the employees? Do you see anyone?

Bill: So far every employee seems to be frozen in place, most at their computers. This Ice Age seems to have come on gradually; we can see evidence of the employees' pitiful attempts to generate some heat...most are wearing sweaters or jackets, many have gloves on (which are frozen to the computer keyboards), there are even some with hats and scarves on and blankets around them. Here's one employee with an assortment of mugs on her desk...looks like she was drinking a lot of hot beverages to try to stay warm.

Jane: Anything else, Bill?

Bill: Well, if you look below the desks here (camera pans in), many apparently brought in their own heaters or heating pads in an effort to stave off freezing to death. We also found a few bodies huddled together around the copy machine...we're not sure why...

Jane: Maybe they were trying to get some warmth from the papers when they came out?

Bill: Poor souls.

(There is a moment of silence.)

Jane: Do you see anyone not frozen, Bill?

Bill: Oh, here's one gentlemen who appears to have survived whatever happened here. Excuse me, sir?

Gentleman (looking dazed): Hmmm?

Bill: Uh, sir, are you an employee here?

Confused gentleman: Uh, yeah...

Bill: Sir, can you tell us what happened here? Amid concerns of global warming, how is it possible that this building appears to have entered some sort of Ice Age?

Confused gentleman: I...I just don't understand it...they kept saying it was cold, so I turned the heat up a few times...I mean, I turned it up all the way to 18 degrees yesterday...I just don't know what happened... (wanders off to check the thermostat, which is frosted over)

Bill: We've spotted another live employee, you can just see her at the edge of the camera there...it's difficult to keep her in focus, she's -- it looks like she's leaping around, and she appears to be wearing -- is she wearing a bathing suit?

Jane: Someone in a 18-degree building is wearing a bathing suit?

Bill: Hold on, let's see if we can talk to her...excuse me...Ma'am...MA'AM! CAN WE TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE? (running to catch up with the leaping woman) Ma'am, your building is in an Ice Age. (pausing to catch breath) Why are you running around in a bathing suit?

Leaping Woman (obviously euphoric): Isn't this fantastic? It's only 23 degrees in here!

Bill: Actually, it's only 18...we think. The thermostat is encased in ice.

Leaping Woman: Even better! (continuing to leap in ecstasy)

Bill: Uh, are you aware that most of your co-workers have been frozen in place?

Leaping Woman: The fools! They kept stupidly complaining it was too cold in here, when it was like a sauna! Thank goodness D_____ kept the thermostat at a decent temperature! Now I can finally concentrate on my work!

Bill (looking at the Leaping Woman's cubicle): But your computer is frozen.

Leaping Woman (ceasing her leaping for the first time): Oh. Well, no matter! I'll just work at home, where it's a balmy 25 degrees! La, la, la! (She leaps out of camera range.)

Bill (shaking his head): Well, that's all we know for now, Jane. Whether or not these poor employees can be revived is questionable. In fact, we need to get out of here ourselves before WE freeze to death.

Jane: Thank you, Bill. That concludes for now our story on C______, a company in Maryland, where a strange Ice Age has descended on the building. We will bring you further updates when more is known.

(Leaping Woman suddenly leaps across the screen): Join me on my crusade to ban thermostats that go higher than 31 degrees! (She is removed, with difficulty, by station employees.) La, la la!