Santa's debriefing

Santa's elves are busy debriefing Santa in preparation for his upcoming deliveries on Christmas Eve. Here they discuss the logistics of reaching a particular home in Maryland.

Elves: Now, Santa, this house is going to present some technical difficulties.

Santa: Like what?

Elves: Definitely don't try going down the chimney. They haven't had the fireplace restored yet and you'd probably bring the whole thing down. Plus, the fireplace opening is still sealed so it's a dead end.

Santa: You'd think they would have taken care of that before Christmas. Well, how about a window?

Elves (coughing discreetly): Uh, their windows aren't exactly accommodating for someone of your, uh, girth.

Santa (eyeing his girth and nodding): Okay, sounds like a door is the best way to go. Back? Front?

Elves (scratching their heads): Well, the front is probably best...if you went in the back you'd have to go up the stairs, and we don't think you'd fit up those, either.

Santa (eyeing his girth again and frowning): Okay, front door it is.

Elves: Now, sometimes they call the back the front, so don't get confused.

Santa (getting exasperated): How am I supposed to know the difference?

Elves: Well, the door you want is right off the street. Plus, they've hung a huge sign above it saying "SANTA ENTER HERE." That should help.

Santa: Okay, so I'm in the front door. What about the inside?

Elves: Open the door very carefully. They didn't have much room to put up the tree because they bought this new big couch, and they should have really replaced their big tree with a smaller one, but they didn't, so the tree and the couch are smooshed into the room and the couch is partially blocking the door.

Santa (stroking his beard thoughtfully): I like their Christmas spirit, keeping a big tree even when there's not much room for it.

Elves: Uh, actually, they liked the big tree because they figured you could fit more presents under it.

Santa (looking stern): How old did you say they were?

Elves: Old enough to buy a nice couch.

Santa: Right. Okay, what else?

Elves: Well, if you go into the kitchen looking for cookies, watch out for possible water on the floor. Their refrigerator is leaking.

Santa (smiling broadly): A little water won't stop me from getting to those cookies, ho-ho-ho!

Elves: They'll probably be gluten free.

Santa: Never mind.

Elves: Now, the good news is --

Santa: Thank goodness there's some good news.

Elves: They don't have any pets for you to worry about.

Santa (stroking his beard): Hmmm, no pets, that's kind of sad...maybe I should bring them a pet for Christmas.

Elves (looking at each other): Uh, they don't really want a pet.

Santa (looking stern again): Don't want a pet! Are you sure they're on the Nice List?

Elves (double-checking the list): Ye-e-e-s, although the man almost made it to the Provisional Naughty List. He was snooping around the presents his wife bought him.

Santa (shaking his head): So how did he stay off the Provisional Naughty List?

Elves: He said he confused Christmas presents with Easter egg hunts.

Santa: Tsk tsk.

Elves: Oh, one more thing. They want you to know they've been very, very good this year. Other than the, uh, snooping part, of course.

Santa: Can their claim be corroborated?

Elves (peering at the couple's file): Yes, they've given us a couple of character references, although the signatures are kind of hard to make out...looks like Gallant Hero and...Prissy Princess.

Santa (impressed): Well, it sounds like they have trustworthy friends in high places. On we go!