Strangers, beware

Public transportation often enables one to learn, quite without effort, strategic information that is obtained in few other venues. Generally this occurs when one is not even aware that he needs the information.


Yesterday, for instance, a conversation overheard on the train centered on the appropriate distance a stranger should maintain when sitting next to another stranger. The speakers were most concerned with the appropriate distance for a specific part of a stranger, namely the part used for sitting. There ensued a lively debate on how far a stranger's rear end must remain from the other person in order for that person to feel completely comfortable. Strangers whose rear ends edged over into the Too Close Zone were strongly condemned. Particularly egregious, the speakers agreed, were those instances in which a heinie belonging to a person of the same gender was in the Too Close Zone.


One speaker summed up this infraction eloquently:"Ewwwwwww."


They seemed to be in agreement that this particular violation warranted the harshest punishment allowable, something on the order of the individual's having his heinie placed in the stocks for others to throw rotten apples at. Passengers in proximity to strangers are advised, therefore, to be aware at all times of the location of their various body parts in relation to their seatmate's ("Legs?" "Check." "Elbows?" Check." "Heinie?" "Oops."), and, if  necessary, to make any proper adjustments. 


Those who repeatedly offend may, perhaps, lack an awareness of their body in space, or an awareness that ALL of their back end belongs to them and not to someone else. In such cases persons may be helped by attending Rear End Awareness Training, which would include simulations of rear ends sitting in and out of the Too Close Zone. Participants would need to choose which was appropriate, and which might land them in the stocks. 


During the overheard conversation, no discussion was held on what one should do if the Too Close Zone is violated, but several scenarios might be imagined. One scenario might involve pretending that the space has NOT been invaded, and the person would commence moving away from the point of invasion, repeating as necessary should the offending body part move inexorably further into one's Too Close Zone. Another option might involve making a counterinvasion of the stranger's space with something in one's possession to alert him of the violation -- a pointy umbrella comes to mind -- and then quickly withdrawing it so the stranger cannot absolutely be sure that what he thought happened actually did happen. This would hopefully make him shift in his seat and, in so doing, regather all his own personal parts on his own side.


In some cases it is not a part of the body at all, but some possession of a stranger's that wanders into the Too Close Zone, such as an extremely cold, wet water bottle. This happened to me, and although it was uncomfortable, I chose the route of ignoring the water bottle and moving away from it slightly. This encouraged the water bottle to follow me. It quickly moved past the Too Close Zone, past the Unapproved Zone, and rolled into the Absolutely No-No Zone, and still I acted as if I did not notice that an extremely cold, wet water bottle was slowly turning my leg purple.


When the owner finally noticed these goings-on, he whisked the bottle away as if I were the one trying to cozy up to it, instead of the other way around. I consoled myself with the thought that it was only a water bottle. But maybe I had better start carrying a sharp, pointy object, just in case.