Although the Hero and I went antiquing over the holiday weekend, he declared at the outset that he did NOT want to shop the entire weekend. So, we did NOT shop the entire weekend. We also, in an extreme measure of compromise on my part, took lots of breaks to eat and sleep.
Okay, so we took other breaks too. We went to see a live presentation of the biblical story of Joseph, where the people in charge understand shoppers like me, and provide opportunities to browse, and buy, overpriced items in their little gift store. Naturally I took advantage of one of these opportunities, and during intermission purchased a tee-shirt for the Hero that says, in large letters, "Not your average Joe."
"It was either the tee-shirt or a magnet," I told him. He unfortunately had to know about the shirt, because he stuck to me like glue during intermission, probably fearing that I would buy something at the gift shop. As if his being there would dissuade me.
The Joseph show was quite well-done and entertaining, and even featured live animals, whose handlers would occasionally lead them off stage into the audience. This brought a reaction from everyone: the adults, most of whom couldn't help wondering, "What if they poop in the aisle?" and the kids, who were thinking, "Maybe they'll poop in the aisle!"
But as far as we could discern, there was no pooping in unauthorized areas. For that we had to get back in our car to drive to the hotel, on the same roads as the Amish buggies, which are led by mighty poop-producing horses. Unfortunately, what happens on the road in Amish country stays on the road in Amish country. But the whole effect of the buggies is so charming that it is hard to mind what occurs in their wake.
The Amish also occasionally can be seen riding scooters, which surprised us somewhat, as the scooters are actually kind of cool-looking and therefore seemingly would be banned from Amish use. The scooters produced some admiration in the Hero, but, fortunately or unfortunately, they were not sold at the Joseph gift shop. I'm sure if scooters had been around in Joseph's day, he would have snatched them up for the army to use in place of horses, as he strikes me as a man who would appreciate clean streets.
The day after the show, the Hero braced for a full day of shopping at the outlet stores. He was considerably cheered to find that the stores included a Black & Decker, at which he spent quite a bit of time, returning with an item he has long been coveting: a set of four flexible cutting mats, color coded for meat, veggies, dairy, cake and ice cream, etc.
"That's all you bought at the Black & Decker store?" I said.
It transpired that there had been other things more interesting than cutting mats that had interested him, such as a mobile woodworking station, but he had had the strength to pass these up. I silently applauded Black & Decker for carrying such an item as cutting mats, and was tempted to personally write a letter encouraging the store to also consider other marriage-enhancing merchandise for guys, such as a guide to locating items in the refrigerator using only their own wits. But since the Hero has, on his own initiative, recently bought not only cutting mats but also a vacuum cleaner which he uses, I did not wish to be greedy.
But the store could probably have a lot of success if they sold scooters. And I know a ready buyer for one.
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