No need to...PANIC!

In the unlikely event you should ever be trapped in an elevator, you may feel tempted to panic. This is normal, but if you have a cell phone handy, and you give me a call, I can help you out. I know EXACTLY how to panic.


This is because I recently found myself in an elevator that did not want to budge. I had worked late, and was anxious to get home, and the elevator evidently knew this and decided not to cooperate. Which brings us to the first of several rules I discovered for stuck elevators:


1. The elevator will never get stuck as you are trying to get TO your job, or anywhere else you really do not want to go, such as to a colonoscopy.


No, it is only when you WANT to get someplace, like home, or to a meeting where you expect to be told that you are the sole heir of a vast fortune but must claim your inheritance within 20 minutes, that an elevator will become inoperable. This is tricky if there are other people in the elevator with you, because even if you are not headed anyplace important, they might be.


If you do find yourself stuck, simply reach for the call-for-help phone and push the button that will immediately connect you to someone who can assist you. This phone is plainly visible, except...


2. In an actual emergency, the phone will be nowhere to be found. 


This MAY occur for the simple reason that you are flustered and not thinking clearly -- see #5 -- but I suspect that it is something more. The phone, sensing your vulnerability, will completely disappear into the elevator wall. When you do eventually locate it...


3. There will be someone on the other end of the line to assist you, but you will have no idea what this person is saying. 


Again, this could be due to your flustered state, but it will sound as if the person has the receiver jammed into his mouth. It is probably a retired pilot, with plenty of experience speaking in a manner that no one can understand. He may be asking what building you are calling from, or he MAY be telling you that you are going to run out of air in approximately 7 minutes. There is simply no way to tell.


After several rounds of him saying something, and you not understanding what he is saying, you will clearly hear him declare that...


4. He is going to put you on hold. When he does, the elevator will be filled with the sounds of -- yes -- elevator music.


This is meant to relax you, but you will feel as if you have lost your lifeline, and you will begin to feel something else as well..


5. As soon as you have lost connection with a live person, you will begin to feel that the air is getting a little thin.


You will tell yourself this is not true, but you still have that little niggling worry about whether the helpful operator said you would lose air in 7 minutes (how long ago was that, you wonder, trying to figure out how much time you might have left). You decide you should use your waning time wisely, so you pull out your cell phone and...


6. Nothing on your phone will work, except a game of Hangman. You realize that...


7. The end will come swiftly. No, not your end! I was referring to Hangman.


8. Eventually, the elevator will be forced into submission and you will be free.


A few days later, all employees at your workplace will receive an e-mail about the elevators. "You may have noticed some problems with the elevators recently," it will say, as if the elevators are merely moving a little slowly. "Please be patient while we attempt to have the problems corrected." But YOU...


9. From now on, will always take the stairs.