Extreme sports

As part of a recent airplane flight, at no extra charge, we passengers were able to experience the thrill of Extreme In-Flight Bumps and Dips. This was unannounced, probably because it is illegal for the pilot to say something truthful like, "Ladies and gentlemen, we will now embark on a reign of terror."

But that is exactly what happened. The experience included great sound effects, what with the plane's metal creaking and screeching and a voice inside my head yelling, "WHEN will you listen when I tell you to drive instead of fly??"

I wished someone would yell outside my head, because then I would have felt that I could scream too. But I didn't want to be the first. Second only to my fear of crashing is a fear of showing fear in front of other people. Everyone else appeared calm, so I channeled all my fear into praying and -- because the Hero was not there -- into the poor, innocent armrest on my right. Sometimes people like to hog the armrests in airplanes. This is understandable, but you really do not want to do this when seated next to me.

The Extreme Sports experience lasted approximately 3 hours, which is quite amazing considering that the total flight was only 1 hour 45 minutes. After the plane had returned to some sense of normalcy, the woman next to me turned and said, "You did really well." I nodded weakly. She didn't realize what a narrow escape she had just had, sitting next to me during turbulence. Had I known her better -- say, if I'd said hello to her at the beginning of the flight -- I would have grabbed her arm during the disturbance and, possibly, not have let go until the flight attendants came to pry my hand off.

She would have been totally justified in seeking a refund from the airlines:

Passenger: I would like to request a full refund for my recent flight on your airline.

Airline representative: And what is the reason for your request?

Passenger: I specifically asked to be seated in the No Passengers Who Get Queasy or Who Flip Out section.

Rep: And you were subsequently not seated in this section?

Passenger: Let's just say the doctor told me I may never regain feeling in my right forearm.

Rep: Oh, you sat next to HER...we'll get that refund to you right away, Ma'am.

After getting off the plane, I wondered where I should go to pick up my "I survived Flight XXXX" pin. Instead, I picked up my luggage and headed, unknowingly, into another Extreme Method of Travel: the taxi ride.

I will keep the description of this second experience brief. Have you ever wondered how insects and spiders can cling to upside-down surfaces, like the inside roof of a taxi? I don't know the answer, but I know that a person can perform this feat, too, given enough terror-fueled adrenaline. 

So, you don't have to be an athlete to enjoy extreme sports. Just head to your nearest taxi, or plane, and let the good times roll. And make sure there's an empty armrest.