Married filing jointly... and as late as possible

Clearly we are late with this tax-related post, but then we are usually almost late filing our taxes too, so at least we are consistent. The Hero and I are firm believers in stressing out about doing our taxes at the last possible moment, resulting in occasional missteps on our return such as "filing for self and spouses."

This year was extra stressful, as we were audited last year, and no doubt we are on the IRS's watch list for life now. Along with the audit details and a polite request to hand over the money we had supposedly cheated them of, we received a little pamphlet entitled "Why Was I Audited?" This is in a multiple-choice format, with answers to that question ranging from a) you are incapable of performing basic math functions, to k) the government will go broke if you do not hand over the $137 you neglected to pay, to z) you may have been picked entirely at random for an audit, but you MUST be hiding something, and the IRS will find it and you will go to jail. Even if it is for $137.

In view of this possible extra scrutiny, we made the difficult decision to not include the following on this year's tax return:

-- 1500 exemptions, which is our estimate of the population of stink bugs freeloading in our home last year

-- Deduction for donation of stink bug carcasses to scientists for study 

-- Depreciation and amortization of the Princess's right elbow joint

-- Business expenses for part of home used as office, i.e., the bathroom

Maybe next year.


At tax time people often have questions about filling out their forms. Here are some typical tax questions.

Q: How do you recommend I fill out my forms?

A: On plenty of coffee.

Q: How long does the average person take to fill out their tax return?

A: Roughly 9.7 hours. This includes .2 hours of actual effort and 9.5 hours of procrastination and hand-wringing and additional coffee-procuring. 

Q: What part of the process generally takes the longest?

A: The time between filing your return and waiting for the IRS to come and haul you away for tax fraud.

Q: Ha ha ha! Seriously.

A: We ARE serious.

Q: Yikes.

Q: I need some extra deductions. What do you suggest? 

A: Pet moving expenses are popular this year. And deductible.

Q: But we're not moving.

A: So move your pet somewhere and then move it back. You'll get TWICE the deduction.

Q: I am taking an online cooking course. Can I deduct the cost of the classes if I burn my homework?

A: Yes, but we would not try this more than once. The cooking classes, we mean. Clearly cooking is not your thing.

We hope this belated tax information has been helpful. And we hope that next year we will not be writing this from jail.