If you don't live in the East, you might not know that a kajillion 17-year cicadas are about to invade here. If you do live in the East and don't know this, well, maybe YOU are a cicada.
Today we offer a Q&A to provide helpful information on this event.*
Q: What, exactly, is the 17-year cicada?
A: A hideous monster insect that hatches in trees and emerges after 17 years to exhibit its disastrous flying skills and produce ear-splitting cacophonic noises in the hopes of attracting a mate and producing another generation of hideous monsters that will hide for 17 more years.
Q: Wait, isn't that the plot of some horror book...?
A: Probably.
Q: So when are they coming out?
A: When the ground temperature reaches 64 degrees, or they begin to smell Doritos at the Dorito factory in Florida, whichever comes first.
Q: They eat Doritos?
A: Actually, they do most or all their feeding inside the tree, before they hatch. Afterward, they don't have much time to think about eating.
Q: Uh, how do they get Doritos in --
A: Delivery.
Q: So are they a danger when they emerge?
A: No more than having smelly hailstones with giant red eyes flying erratically and smashing all over the ground, we'd say.
Q: Are there any other groups of multiyear cicadas?
A: Yes. This particular group of cicadas is known as "Brood II," or, affectionately, "The Frequently Bad Fliers." But other groups come on different schedules, such as the 9-year cicada, the 13-year cicada, the 54-day cicada, the 2-1/2 minute cicada, and the every-other-Christmas cicada.
Q: It doesn't sound pleasant. How bad will it be, really?
A: As one veteran cicada survivor advised us: Wear a hat.
Q: Ewwww.
A: Yes.
*Although we offer no assurances about the actual helpfulness of this information.
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