The interview

To help the Hero prepare for an upcoming job interview, I agreed to act as Ms. Interviewer and ask lots of difficult questions. That is, they were difficult for ME, as I have no idea what the job entails and even less idea what questions to ask. On the plus side, I got to conduct the interview in a nonstandard interview suit consisting of sweatpants, a t-shirt, and fuzzy blue striped socks.

We agreed to assume that the two of us had already had our small talk that precedes every interview, which had likely included things like the weather, the Hero's drive to the interview site, why my fuzzy blue striped socks were sparkly, whether this has ever presented a problem for my vacuum cleaner, etc.

Then I cleared my throat to signal that we would begin the interview, highlights of which are presented here.

"What are your strengths, and what are some 'improvement points?' " I queried.

He went on to name a few strengths, but I was distracted by the scent of garbage emanating from the trash can in the next room.

I wondered whether an 'improvement point' might perhaps involve being less engrossed in the computer at home so the trash would not have to finally drag itself outside, but he did not mention this.

"Tell me about a time when you initiated and implemented a creative idea," I suggested next.

I expected something along the lines of attempting to see whether a satisfactory omelet could be constructed in the microwave without causing unnecessary damage to it (the microwave), but instead he described, at some length, a past work project involving data, time series, vectors, base rate fallacy, heteroscedasticity...

Eventually, I noticed that he had stopped talking. "I'm sorry," I said. "I, uh, didn't quite follow that last part..."

"Would you like me to repeat it?" he asked.

"No, no," I said hastily. "I'm sure I got the gist of it."

At one point, in the middle of answering another question about future career aspirations, he trailed off and simply stared at me. 

"Yes?" I prompted. "You seem a bit distracted."

"I'm sorry," he said. It's just that my interviewer is so beautiful."

"Very quick thinking," I said approvingly. "Fortunately for you, your REAL interviewers will all be male, so that shouldn't be a problem...um, they WILL all be male, won't they?"

As far as he knew, they would.

"Well, we are nearly done," I said. "Do you have any questions for me?" 

"Actually, I do," he said. "Can you tell me how short gamma positions are hedged?"

"Well, we typically employ the 'toss a coin' method," I answered.

"I see," he said. "That's a very bold strategy, if I may say so."

"We find it gives us a very competitive advantage," I acknowledged modestly.

He answered that he could see how that would definitely be the case.

"So, is there anything else you would like to know about us?" I asked. "Benefits, stock options, donut policy?"

He admitted curiosity about the latter.

"We encourage employees at all levels to bring in donuts frequently," I explained. "To explore different kinds they might otherwise not venture to try. Does that sound like a policy you would be able to support?"

He said he could see no problem whatsoever with doing so.

"Very good, then," I said, rising to my fuzzy blue stripe-clad feet. "This could be a highly mutually beneficial relationship. We should have an answer for you -- oh!" I said as I suddenly found myself lifted off the ground a foot or so. "Mister Hero, I dare say this is highly unsuitable interview behavior. You must put me down at once."

"That's okay," he said." YOU are a highly unsuitable interviewer."

"Hmmm," I said. "I think YOU are hired."