Taking time out

The Princess, like many other people, tends to get a little frazzled this time of year. As she is running around trying to get everything done, the Hero sometimes, risking peril to his own life, asks what the Princess is so frazzled about.

For his interest he typically receives the look, the one that plainly says, "Are you INSANE? What DOESN'T need to get done?" This is followed by a litany of the chores that are weighing so heavily on the Princess:

"Finish shopping, get wrapping paper, cancel the newspaper, bake, put the tree up, wrap, finish the newsletter, decorate the tree, deliver cookies, pack for traveling, print the newsletter, take everything off the tree and redecorate, mail the newsletter, repack for traveling because the weather forecast changed..."

The Hero generally stops listening closely at "cancel the newspaper," but continues to nod as if he is hearing every word. When the litany is finally over, he thinks a moment and then offers his help:

"Okay, so how about if we go get some coffee and hang out?"

This is his version of homemade chicken soup, and is, he feels, the very best thing to be done in a crisis situation. The ONLY thing to be done.

The Princess begins to arrange her face into another look, one that says, "Are you INSANE? Did you just hear everything I have to do??" But she finds she is too tired. Suddenly, sitting down sounds good. So does procrastination.

Strangely, the coffee strategy pays off. They discuss lots of things -- but not the List. The chores are still there afterward, but somehow, not nearly as onerous.

Thanks to the wise Hero. And his coffee.

Weather ain't us

Today we have an unofficial Q&A with two meteorologists from popular weather websites, where we have noticed a certain trend.

Us: We've noticed some new features on your websites recently. Can you tell us about them?

Meteorologist 1: Yes, we're very excited about the changes. We have more videos than ever, and just a ton of exciting news on topics like the most dangerous tunnels in the world, discoveries of long-buried, long-forgotten royalty under modern parking lots, exploding whales...

Meteorologist 2: And we've got a lot of content on animals. See? [shows site on tablet] Look, here you can watch a dead great white being cut open and this AMAZING discovery inside, and scroll down here to find out about animals who ski. And you can even --

Us: Looks great. And what about the weather?

Meteorologist 1 [confused]: The weather?

Us: Yeah, what if I want to know what the weather forecast is for our area tomorrow? Or if we're going to have snow for Christmas?

Meteorologist 2: Well, we have a cool little feature that will tell you about how climate change is affecting places all over the world. See, right --

Us: But I just want to know the weather forecast for where I LIVE. For TOMORROW. 

Meteorologist 1: Sure, sure, we still give you the weather. I think.  Uh, let me see here...Hey, Bill, you guys still show local weather on your site?

Meteorologist 2: Yeah, as far as I know. You know, when there's a big storm coming or something.

Meteorologist 1 [frantically searching his tablet]: Ah-ha! See? I knew it was here.

Us: Ah, yes, we see that it took 1, 2, 3...87 links to get to that page.

Meteorologist 1: Well, it IS there.

Meteorologist 2: Look at that. It's on OUR site too -- um, of course.

Us: Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid our time is up. Thank you for being with us today and helping readers understand where not to go when they want --

Meteorologist 1: But wait! You haven't seen our display of oldest beehives in the world yet!

Us: Goodbye!

Black Friday report

From the Weekly Retailer, an Unofficial* Record of Retail Happenings...

Merchants at a particular mall on the East Coast reported robust Thanksgiving and post-Thanksgiving sales, boosted by two particular shoppers who spent several hours in the Clarks shoe store. They tried on every shoe the store carried, and even a few it did not ("Oooo, look at those pumps over in THAT store. Could you see if they have them in a five and a half? Black, please").

A Clark's representative, however, cautioned that it was too soon to tell whether the duo would have a lasting impact on the store's bottom line. "They have been known, particularly the younger one, to buy large numbers of shoes and then return them. We suspect from our records that she has never actually kept and worn a single pair of shoes from this establishment."

Asked what would be the shopper's motivation for such actions, the rep shrugged. "We think she's just giddy over finding a shoe in her size, whether or not it actually works for her."

Due to the large number of shoppers, many stores had difficulty keeping dressing rooms and merchandise floors tidy. Several women apparently went missing in a large department store after entering dressing rooms to try on clothes. At one point, a concerned husband said to others who were also waiting for their wives to emerge, "Stand back! I'm going in!"

But the clothes in the dressing rooms were piled so high that he had to be rescued by a human chain formed by the remaining husbands. As of Saturday evening, the wives still had not been located, despite rescuers being able to hear the faint ringing of cell phones emerging from the vast pile of discarded clothing.

Some shoppers reported long lines that appeared, despite their waiting in them for up to two hours, to not lead anywhere. There is some speculation that rogue individuals, sensing an opportunity to stir up trouble, went around randomly forming lines, which harried shoppers readily joined. In Starbucks the lines moved so slowly that patrons eventually sat down while in line, then laid down, and in some cases fell asleep. There were reports of Venti Nonfat Hazelnut Cappuccinos being poured into sleeping customers' open mouths.

Some children apparently became confused and disenchanted when faced with two different Santas, one in each of the two sections of the mall. They refused to have their picture taken with either one, forcing parents to have Santa's picture taken with the family dog. Eventually many of the dogs, too, started picketing.

Meanwhile the two individuals who had spent a fair amount of their shopping time (and money) at the Clarks shoe establishment were observed circling the See's Candy display. Their strategy was evidently to hang around until a See's representative passed out free samples, which eventually did occur, and which the two individuals devoured. It was noted, however, that they did not give in to the temptation to keep circling and take more free samples. 

Due to pressing family obligations, the two were constrained to leave the mall sooner than they may have wished, but they vowed to be back next year to support the economy. And maybe get more free chocolate.

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*nonexistent