Black Friday report

From the Weekly Retailer, an Unofficial* Record of Retail Happenings...

Merchants at a particular mall on the East Coast reported robust Thanksgiving and post-Thanksgiving sales, boosted by two particular shoppers who spent several hours in the Clarks shoe store. They tried on every shoe the store carried, and even a few it did not ("Oooo, look at those pumps over in THAT store. Could you see if they have them in a five and a half? Black, please").

A Clark's representative, however, cautioned that it was too soon to tell whether the duo would have a lasting impact on the store's bottom line. "They have been known, particularly the younger one, to buy large numbers of shoes and then return them. We suspect from our records that she has never actually kept and worn a single pair of shoes from this establishment."

Asked what would be the shopper's motivation for such actions, the rep shrugged. "We think she's just giddy over finding a shoe in her size, whether or not it actually works for her."

Due to the large number of shoppers, many stores had difficulty keeping dressing rooms and merchandise floors tidy. Several women apparently went missing in a large department store after entering dressing rooms to try on clothes. At one point, a concerned husband said to others who were also waiting for their wives to emerge, "Stand back! I'm going in!"

But the clothes in the dressing rooms were piled so high that he had to be rescued by a human chain formed by the remaining husbands. As of Saturday evening, the wives still had not been located, despite rescuers being able to hear the faint ringing of cell phones emerging from the vast pile of discarded clothing.

Some shoppers reported long lines that appeared, despite their waiting in them for up to two hours, to not lead anywhere. There is some speculation that rogue individuals, sensing an opportunity to stir up trouble, went around randomly forming lines, which harried shoppers readily joined. In Starbucks the lines moved so slowly that patrons eventually sat down while in line, then laid down, and in some cases fell asleep. There were reports of Venti Nonfat Hazelnut Cappuccinos being poured into sleeping customers' open mouths.

Some children apparently became confused and disenchanted when faced with two different Santas, one in each of the two sections of the mall. They refused to have their picture taken with either one, forcing parents to have Santa's picture taken with the family dog. Eventually many of the dogs, too, started picketing.

Meanwhile the two individuals who had spent a fair amount of their shopping time (and money) at the Clarks shoe establishment were observed circling the See's Candy display. Their strategy was evidently to hang around until a See's representative passed out free samples, which eventually did occur, and which the two individuals devoured. It was noted, however, that they did not give in to the temptation to keep circling and take more free samples. 

Due to pressing family obligations, the two were constrained to leave the mall sooner than they may have wished, but they vowed to be back next year to support the economy. And maybe get more free chocolate.

______

*nonexistent