Millions of people are suffering from seasonal allergies right now. I sympathize, being one of those persons, and offer this invitation on behalf of those of us residing in Maryland: give us your poor, your weak, your sniffling, sneezing masses. Send them to Maryland! For where'er you be, ye have a few weeks per year of misery. Ah, but here, in lovely, humid Maryland, here we promise thee year-round suffering. (Offer ends soon, please act now.)
Maryland's status as Allergy Mecca has been confirmed for me by several doctors. "Ah, yes," they say, with a slight twist of the mouth. "Everyone who moves to Maryland develops allergies."
And yet, incredibly, one hears nothing about this issue from the political candidates campaigning in our state right now. They drone on about unemployment, taxes, and wind energy, but fail to address REAL problems, like how long it will be before landfills explode due to the mass of wet, soggy facial tissues deposited by all of us allergy sufferers.
Further, why is all this allergy business happening here? I have some theories, some of which involve very complex science, and for which I had to seek out various experts.*
1. Pollen and other allergens have been outsourced here from other areas, including tropical islands. Think about it. Have you ever been to an exotic locale and not been able to view the lovely sunset because your eyes are watering from pollen? No, the tourism industry would never allow it.
2. It's a secret program of the government, involving the spread of allergens through wiretapping.
3. The "hyper-clean hypothesis." Many scientists** believe that modern society's tendency to Leave No Germs Behind in our environments does not give our bodies a chance to build up immunity to various kinds of allergens. So by not inviting them in, we give them the opportunity to invite THEMSELVES in, and the result is that some of us turn into Sneezy, Dopey, and Grumpy. In fact, in countries with poor sanitation, little antibiotic use, and more parasitic infections, the lucky residents have NO ALLERGIES. Clearly, Marylanders should seriously consider moving to one of these more fortunate locales.
Or at least we should stop cleaning so much. And stop being so hung up on personal hygiene, Marylanders! Uh...never mind. Maybe we should stick with with reason #1.
__________
*Not necessarily experts in science.
**and messy housekeepers
2 comments:
My goodness, such complaining. I look forward to "pollen season" in Maryland, as it turns my car from a shiny (if a bit scratched) red to a dusty yellow, including the windshield. Great fun.
I understand the reason you are so sanguine about pollen season. You too have year-round allergies! But the Michigan cold and snow should take care of that. If not, you have my permission to move back to Maryland.
Post a Comment