The Hero and Princess learn about Hawaii

In anticipation of our trip to Hawaii later this month, we borrowed a documentary on that state from the library, and sat down to eagerly glean important information for our visit.

For reasons known only to themselves, the producers thought it a good idea to start the video with a piece about Hawaii's aquaculture industry. We listened to several earnest workers discuss their important work, and somewhere in a fascinating discussion of shrimp broodstock, we promptly fell asleep.

This reaction in no way should be taken to mean that we do not believe in the important work of the aquaculture industry to bring tasty, sustainably raised fish to our tables. But—and perhaps we are not very responsible tourists—it is not quite what we have in mind as we are planning what to do in Hawaii.

We awoke some time later to an explanation and illustration of the various forms of hula dancing, which, combined with our excellent nap, immediately rekindled our interest in the documentary.

As we watched, something seemed vaguely out of place. True, the video was a little dated, although we couldn't quite figure out how we knew this. Was it the clothing? the decor? tourists' eyeglasses?* And then we realized:

No one had a cell phone camera.

Oh, there were plenty of cameras. In fact the camera was invented for Hawaii. And in this documentary, everyone was wearing one, because that's what you do with an actual camera: you wear it. It's too big to fit in your pocket, or your purse, or anywhere else. When someone in the nearly bygone camera-toting era anticipated going on vacation and mentioned having to "get in shape" beforehand, they were probably referring to strengthening their neck muscles to accommodate several pounds of deadweight camera.

But Hawaii is, of course, more than fish and cameras and even luaus (though the Hero has declared his full intentions of attending a luau where they are serving roasted pig). There is also a lot of water hanging around, and sometimes it comes crashing over the sides of cliffs, resulting in impassable roads, which in Hawaii are sometimes more of a suggestion anyway. On maps there are more than a few places where the roads just end, and one assumes that there is a mountain or some other impenetrable object at that spot to prevent further motorist travel, such as a T-shirt hut.

We have not yet made it through the entire video, although we have every intention of doing so. It’s a good thing this wasn’t in ancient times, and we weren’t listening to the stories once told by storytellers. The stories were considered sacred, and once one started, nobody was allowed to move. I think they would not have been pleased by our nodding and napping.

Rather dull video aside, there is one inescapable fact about Hawaii that has already endeared the islands to us: it is the only state that grows coffee.

And that, my friends, makes up for all our involuntary instruction in fish farming.

*Total number of tourists wearing glasses in the video: 76.

Total number of Hawaiians wearing glasses in the video: 0.