Friends after 40, II

As part of my current writing class, we had to take a piece we had already written and rewrite it using a different "voice." Not as in a deep papa bear voice or a high, squeaky baby bear voice, but as in the tone you adopt as a writer, whether conversation or formal or somewhere in between. So I took the piece I had written on making friends after 40 (which was originally posted here somewhere) and rewrote it as a news piece. So for your enjoyment, without further ado, here it is...

Study Shows No New Friends After 40

City of Brotherly Love, PA—A study just released indicates that new friendships are rarely initiated after the age of 40. In fact, 99% of people between the ages of 40 and death who participated made absolutely no new friends over the course of the study, which lasted their entire lifetime (making friends in the afterlife was not studied, although the study’s authors say they are looking to secure funding from interested churches to do so).

Dr. Susan Loyal, lead researcher in the study, speculates that by midlife most people’s lives have become very complicated, leaving them little time to meet new people.

“With spouses having midlife crises, teen children experimenting with drugs and bringing home unsavory friends, and elderly parents trying to remember where they put their grocery money, people over 40 just do not have the emotional energy necessary to pursue new relationships. Any energy they do have left is spent trying to find a therapist.”

Nevertheless, Dr. Loyal points out, friends are vital to both physical and emotional health as people grow older. “We found an increased risk of death among older people who had no friends. And people with the most friends lowered their risk of death by a whopping 60%. Of course, this effect did not occur in people over the age of 115."

She adds, “Women who lose their husbands are better able to cope when they have friends who can help them through the trauma of having to learn where their husbands have done the banking all those years.”

Dr. Yu Chum, who was not involved in the study but is also a researcher in the field of relationships, says the study has important implications for those nearing 40. He believes that finding new friends can be done in a manner that fits easily into an individual’s lifestyle.

For instance, he says, “Take a karate class, or a napkin-folding class if that’s more your thing. Learn a foreign language—that has the added benefit of letting you make friends in other countries over the Internet, and if you do happen to be over 40, they won’t necessarily know. Heck, they might be over 40 themselves.”

In extreme cases where people just cannot seem to meet any new friends, Dr. Chum recommends placing a personal ad. “The key there is to be completely honest,” he says. “If you are not a ‘craft’ person, don’t say you’d love to get together for quilting or scrapbooking. Just come right out and say you hate anything involving needles or glue.”

The bottom line, both researchers agree, is that people need to make a concerted effort to increase their number of friends before their 40th birthday. “Your friends are going to be the ones who get you through your spouse’s going to jail for embezzlement and your foot amputation,” Dr. Loyal says. “Don’t think one or two friends are enough to see you through retirement. They might die early, and you’ll be left high and dry.”