Sam's Club adventure

You've had days like mine yesterday. I was heading for the milk case at Sam's Club when I heard a cheery voice, emanating from a woman holding a clipboard, say to another shopper, "Hello there! I'm Rita, and I'd like to ask you some questions..." The dreaded survey taker! I swiftly got my milk, being careful to avoid eye contact, and turned around and headed, at a fast pace, in the other direction. Whew! That was close. Good thing that other shopper was there.

I quickly forgot about Rita and was mulling over which chips to get when I remembered I had forgotten to get orange juice. I headed back to the refrigerated case. Too late, I realized Rita was just finishing up with the first shopper and was looking for another victim. Abort! Abort! The warning sounded in my head. But it was too late to turn around. She headed straight for me. I could see the smirk on the other shopper's face. Have a nice chat, she was thinking.

"Hi, my name is Rita and I'm from Home Energy Improvement...how are you this morning?"

I was fine until a minute ago, I thought, but said more charitably, "Fine, thanks."

"Are you a homeowner?" she asked. She said it somewhat tentatively, as if she didn't think I had the wherewithal to own a home.

Suddenly I envied all the shoppers in Sam's who were renters.

"Yes," I admitted.

She beamed. "Great! Now, how would you like to learn about some energy-saving improvements you can make to your home?"

Why these companies think that you will be interested in hearing about energy-saving improvements to your home when you are shopping for milk and orange juice and a hundred other things, I will never know. But of course I did not say this.

"No, not today, thanks," I said. "I don't have the energy."

I got my orange juice and made my escape while Rita turned to the next hapless customer. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I said to myself. Why did you come back here when you knew Rita was here?? That's what I get for being so smug about avoiding her the first time.

I had brought along a couple of coolers to hold my cold stuff on the way home. I was loading everything into them when a large spider, most definitely uninvited, decided to take a look at the offerings. It descended from the top of the tailgate right into cooler #1 and perched just inside the lid.

"No! No! No!" I shouted at it. "Not in my cooler! Get out! Get out!"

It didn't, of course, and I started throwing things out of the cooler, out of harm's way, with little regard to where they landed. I was focused on one thing, and one thing only: getting that ugly thing out of my cooler. I couldn't touch it -- that was out of the question. I picked up the cooler and shook it frantically over the parking lot, hoping the force would jar the thing off. The spider clung to the lid like it had glue on its legs.

I banged the cooler on the ground, and here at last I got some results. The lid broke completely off the cooler and landed some five feet away, narrowly missing an elderly couple on their way into the store. "Die, you idiot! Die!" I shouted at my cooler. The couple looked startled and gave me a wide berth.

I looked around frantically for something to swipe at the spider. I started to reach into my purse for a Kleenex when I saw a bag of green beans in the cart. That would be better. I wouldn't come close to touching the thing. I swiped the beans at the spider. On the third swipe I finally dislodged it. It landed on the ground and immediately started running toward me. I danced around, green beans in one hand and lidless cooler in the other, not wanting to crush the thing now that it was out of my personal belongings.

I gradually became aware of the spectacle I must be presenting here in the parking lot of Sam's. Somewhere among the remaining groceries I gathered what was left of my dignity and quietly set about reloading the car.

But as so often happens, fate wasn't done having fun with me yet that day.

Tomorrow: A haircut experience to remember