Work bulletins

A big source of amusement at my previous job was the weekly bulletin for employees, which, as you will see, was not put out by the editors.

"On Friday, Michelle will be hosing 10 visitors in the conference room."
Yeah, it's hot, but can't they just turn on the AC?

"Tuesday, Amy's mom, will be coming to help at the preschool."
You should have listened to your grammar teacher when she talked about commas!

You had to be careful how you worded an announcement you wanted included in the bulletin, because Human Resources would put it in just the way you wrote it:

"So-and-so will be taking personal leave Thursday morning to wait for the washer repairman."
Yikes! That's a little too personal.

"So-and-so will be out Friday. Not sure of date of return."
Are we sure she will return?

Sometimes there were startling announcements of staff changes:

"So-and-so has been made interim director of finance. Congratulations, So-and-so!"
Uh, what happened to the director?

"So-and-so's last day was Thursday. Farewell, So-and-so!"
Guess the bad cafeteria food made him mad one too many times.

Other times you had no idea who the person named was:

"So-and-so's birthday is Monday. Happy birthday, So-and-so!"
I don't know who that is, but there's gonna be cake.

"The marketing assistant position is open."
We have a marketing assistant?
Not anymore, apparently.

One woman took mammograms very seriously and never failed to send the female employees little reminder notices and dire warnings about neglecting one's yearly mammogram. Around October every year, the bulletin would dutifully carry Anne's reminder that it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month:

"Anne is having her mammogram on Tuesday, Oct. 10. Have you had your mammogram yet this year?"

And when pressures got to be too much, we editors would fantasize about putting this notice in the bulletin:

"The entire publications department has left to start their own press and pizza parlor."