Snacks, Inc.

My hours at my new job are 8-4:30, although very little of this time is devoted to actual work. We are too busy throwing parties.

A typical day goes something like this:

8:00 (or slightly earlier): Arrive, make loud arrival noises so co-workers and bosses are aware that you are at your post on time and are ready to receive any treats being passed around.
8:05: Check kitchen for treats on way to restroom.
8:11: Check kitchen for treats on way back from restroom.
8:12-8:15: If no treats have appeared in kitchen, frown at table where they are usually located, hoping this will induce some to appear. If treats have appeared, take one for now and one for later, after breakfast.
8:16: Check table near editors' cubes for treats.
8:18: Sit down in cube, arrange paper clips, rearrange location of two photographs on desk, etc. Realize that you are in someone else's cube. Slink back to your own cube and repeat.
8:30: Someone announces surprise party to celebrate an employee's new car purchase; partake of car-shaped cake.
8:50: Open e-mail announcing that the entire curriculum staff, which includes editors, will be taking one of their staff to lunch today to celebrate the occasion of her adult child finally moving out of the home. Cheer at the announcement that lunch will include dessert for all.
9:04: On way to restroom, happen to notice that someone has brought in leftovers from a graduation party. On way back to cube, help yourself to some of the cookies. At last minute, also take two carrots to keep up the appearance of eating healthy.
9:23: Sample some pastries brought in by the graphic designer, who is leaving soon to open a restaurant and wants some opinions on recipes the restaurant will carry. Write in her goodbye luncheon and party date on calendar.
9:58: Get reminder notice of two-hour meeting starting at 10:00; frantically search through drawers to find some chocolate to help you stay awake. Crumbs of last week's chocolate granola bar will have to do.
10:01: Arrive at meeting to find that the host has thoughtfully provided coffee cake. Take a generous portion to make up for the granola bar crumbs.
10:06-11:59: Sleep through meeting. Blame on excess sugar.
12:03: Arrive back at desk to find e-mail inviting all interested parties to an afternoon trip to The Cow, a quaint stand serving ice cream and water ice. Send immediate acceptance.
12:05: Go to lunch for co-worker.
2:40: Arrive back at work; immediately leave for The Cow.
3:13: Again arrive back at work, this time taking care NOT to make arrival noises so that others will think you have been hard at work all this time.
4:30: Heave self out of chair; check kitchen for any leftovers for the long drive home; amble to car, brownies in tow.

Repeat next day.

The week I started working, there were goodbye parties for three people (Note: There was NO connection between these events). Someone's wife was having twins (we each got two pieces of cake in their honor). There was a bridal shower one day. The big boss turned 50 another day. When there are no occasions to celebrate, someone brings in food anyway. Joe has expressed deep surprise that we don't all weigh 300 pounds.

"A lot of us are pretty new," I said. "Give us some time, and we may be heading there."

One morning on my drive in, I found myself hoping that someone would bring donuts or something, although I knew there were no events scheduled. Lo and behold, a woman in my department came in with a cake and balloon and announced her 5th anniversary. Since she'd only been with the company since December, I whispered "Anniversary of what?" to someone standing next to me. She was a cancer survivor. Now there's something to celebrate.

Today I spied a box of donuts around 2 in the afternoon. As no one had said anything about donuts, I assumed they were old (and I was not that desperate for old donuts, although some days I certainly am not above them). I had to keep passing them on my way to...okay, so they were in a corner where I never have any reason to go, but they did make me curious. Finally I asked someone if they were old.

"No! Didn't you hear Nikki say 'Donuts!' this morning?"

I shook my head sadly. All this time, donuts had been waiting, and I hadn't known.

"You gotta listen to Nikki when she comes in," my co-worker urged. And she didn't mean for new assignments.

One of these days, I'm thinking there's going to be an announcement of quite another type:

"We are pleased to announce that Weight Watchers has agreed to hold weekly meetings at lunchtime for all those interested in joining...."