In search of warmth

Things were a bit slow there for the first several weeks of my new job, but they are certainly beginning to pick up. Yes, sir. My most pressing work project at the moment is: trying to keep warm.

Keeping warm is not ordinarily something one has to worry about in June, when it is 85 degrees. But that is the outside temperature. This, oddly enough, has nothing to do with the inside temperature of the average workplace. Indoor temperatures seem to be more closely related to the mating habits of hippos than to what the weather is like, or even -- astounding thought! -- the clothing being worn by employees, who generally dress in accordance with the outside temperature. This is a big mistake, however, particularly when they don't work outside.

Due to the recent departure of several employees where I work (none of whom, to my knowledge, had temperature-related issues), and the impending arrival of several new people, offices are being switched around. If they ask me if I want a new space, I have my answer ready:

The bathroom.

My rationale is simple: The bathroom is the warmest room in the building. I spend a good deal of time at the sink in there -- which poses a problem on my time sheet, there being no category for "restroom activities" -- just letting the warm, wonderful water spill over onto my hands, restoring life where there had been but bitter numbness. I'm sure someone in finance has noticed a marked increase in the company's water usage since I joined. Any day now, I expect to be accosted in the act and led away to my boss with the explanation that "We found her in the bathroom again, just holding her hands under the hot water."

They may even revoke my sink privileges. "This employee must be accompanied at all times to the restroom," they might intone, "by a responsible female employee, perferably one who is always warm and who will not be tempted to follow the employee's example of wasting the hot water. The employee will be allowed 10.2 seconds to wash her hands ONLY in the event of actual restroom need."

Several years ago when I was still teaching, I had an assistant who was, shall we say, in a different stage of life than I was -- one in which she would, without warning, bolt from the classroom and stick her head inside the nearest freezer. One day the building engineer, who was unaware of this routine, came around with the heating and cooling guy to see if there were any problems. Sounding confident, he asked, "You guys don't really have any issues with heating and cooling in here, do you?"

My assistant stared at him as though wondering how on earth a person so ignorant could possibly exist. "You are talking about a woman in her 40s and a woman in her 20s being in the same room," she said frostily. "Of COURSE we have issues with heating and cooling!"

And that pretty much sums up the problem. As long as there are these interpersonal variances -- age differences, gender differences, inny and outie belly buttons -- there will be issues with heating and cooling. If you have any ideas about how to solve this problem, please let me know. I'll be in the bathroom.