Unfashion consultant

Like many husbands, Joe often needs a bit of assistance in putting together acceptable outfits in which to go to work. I used to be able to monitor his choice of clothing in the mornings, but now most of the time I leave before he does, so he has been on his own.

“What have you been doing without your fashion consultant in the morning?” I asked.

“You don’t want to know,” he said.

This was worrisome. I encouraged him to put into practice a plan he has been talking about for some time, namely, making a chart of all his pants and shirts and what goes with what. Originally I had not thought it necessary, but it was sounding better and better.

Such a chart would, of course, need my input, or else instead of looking like this:

Pants --------------- Shirt
Black dressy ------- Black and purple stripes; gray and black pinstripe

Blue ----------------- Dark blue/light blue/white stripes
Tan ------------------ Yellow solid, black solid
Gray ---------------- Gray and black pinstripe
Black casual -------- Yellow solid

it might end up looking like this:

Pants ---------- Shirt
Light ---------- Dark
Dark ----------- Light
Not so dark --- Whatever’s left

As can be seen from this chart, Joe’s world has two colors: light and dark. Anything beyond this is unnecessary. He insists that I have made up all the other colors, as he can think of no practical use for them. Both orange and purple are red. Green and gray are merely shades of black.

I set out my clothes the night before, and have often extolled the virtues of this practice to him, particularly so that I can approve his choice or make a polite suggestion, such as "Wear that over my dead body!" But this strategy is much too structured for him. He prefers the "spontaneous" look. This way he can pretend that he is going to the beach rather than to the office.

Let's just hope that one of these days he doesn't forget that he is pretending, and end up at work wearing beach gear. I don't want to get a call from his HR person saying, "Mrs. Bohart, are you aware that your husband arrived at work today in swim trunks? And bright red ones, no less? As you are the Primary Spousal Fashion Consultant listed on his Emergency Contacts, we are holding you personally responsible for this grievous transgression of company policy."

To which I might reply, "Yes, but doesn't he look good?"