Letter of complaint

Dear Employer,

Now that I have had my 6-month new-employee review and my probationary period is past, let me just say that although I greatly appreciate the privilege of working for a company that provides free calorie-laden foods several times a week, I wish to make a complaint about certain working conditions that have come to my attention.

#1: First, the weather. I'm sure you have noticed that it is getting colder outside. I realize that this issue is generally considered to be out of an employer's control, but I would like to suggest certain weather-related policies that would greatly benefit your employees' health and sense of well-being and, hence, productivity. For instance, perhaps it is not really necessary for employees to come to work on days when the temperature is not expected to reach, say, 45 degrees. It is really quite inconvenient to struggle into one's coat, scarf, hat, mittens, boots, etc. each morning. And that's just to get out of bed to turn the alarm off.

Not having to come to work on cold days would also prevent us from having to get into cold cars in the morning. As you are no doubt aware, no one in Maryland has a garage, except possibly those who are incarcerated at taxpayers' expense. I believe this is written into the state Constitution ("Garages are an unnecessary and unsightly appendage to a domicile and are therefore hereby outlawed for the remainder of this millennium, or until the entire state of Maryland is overtaken by the Chesapeake Bay due to global warming, whichever comes first").

I realize that in certain states, having a cold-weather policy would result in industry shutting down completely during four or five or six months of the year, but just think how refreshed those employees would be when they returned to work in the warmer months! As for making employees come to work during bad weather, the state of Ohio's public education site refers to various hazardous weather conditions -- defined as "anytime the temperature plunges to 45 degrees" -- as "public calamities." Do you really want your employees on the road during a public calamity? Wouldn't it be far better for them to remain safe at home with their loved ones, their hot chocolate, and their comfortable sweatpants? I know that my mental well-being is certainly enhanced by some hot chocolate and sweatpants.

Speaking of sweatpants, have you noticed that your employees are dressing more warmly now, including blankets? This is generally a sign that it is time to turn off the air conditioning.

#2. On a more personal note, I have noticed a disturbing trend occurring whenever there is an important announcement made to the entire company through the intercom. As you are no doubt aware, the intercom does not extend into the restrooms. Why is it that, whenever some such announcement is made -- such as that a fire drill is imminent, or that I have won the office lottery -- you wait until I am in the restroom to make the announcement? As this has happened several times now, my associates are aware of the issue, and I live in fear that someday I will win a raffle of $1,000,000 and when they realize that I did not hear the joyous news, they will refrain from telling me in the hopes that I will not find out and they can split the winnings.

#3: This is more of a suggestion than a complaint. I have heard rumors that we may be holding a "Pajama Day" at work, in which employees have the privilege of coming to work looking just like they rolled out of bed. I think this is a great idea. In fact, maybe we could take the concept one step further and declare a "Pajama Day in Your Home," wherein each employee remains at home for the workday in her or her night wear. This would, I'm sure, greatly boost morale, particularly if employees were required to do no work while in their pajamas.

I would be happy to discuss these matters further at your convenience. Preferably over the phone, while I am at my residence, relaxing in my pajamas.

Respectfully submitted,
Editor #6