Thanksgiving secrets

The holidays can be stressful, and sometimes they trigger long-suppressed, painful memories. This Thanksgiving I finally decided to take a step toward personal healing, and revealed to Joe a well-hidden family tragedy surrounding Thanksgiving.

"You know how in most families, everyone takes a nap after Thanksgiving dinner?" I said.

"Yeah," he said, remembering his own turkey-induced naps with fondness.

"Well, we never took Thanksgiving naps in my family," I said sadly.

He stared at me.

"And," I said -- figuring since I had uncorked the bottle of sad memories, I may as well empty it -- "we never grazed on leftovers all day and night."

He looked at me with great sympathy. "Oh, my poor sweetie. I never knew you were so deprived."

"In fact --"

He stopped me. "I think you've relived enough trauma for one day," he said comfortingly.

I had been about to say that I never even got to take leftover turkey sandwiches to school, because by the time Monday rolled around, we -- by which I mean chiefly my father -- had eaten all the turkey. My friends were jealous, because they had to eat turkey sandwiches for a week afterward, and would have happily traded them for salami.

I guess we all suffer in some way or other. But at least they all had each other to commiserate with.

"You know what else?" I said to Joe.

"You don't have to talk about this anymore," he assured me.

"It's okay," I said, looking guilty at my further revelation. "I really don't even like turkey," I whispered. "Neither does my brother."

"Isn't that, like, un-American?" Joe said.

"Well, we eat it," I said defensively. "But we'd really rather have Thanksgiving lasagna."

Joe thought maybe Thanksgiving lasagna would be okay. As long as he could still take a nap afterward.

Note to readers: If you, like me, suffer from the stigma of having family traditions that do not meet the Accepted Standard for Holiday Celebrations set forth by the National Nostalgia Association, I encourage you to talk to a professional. Or Joe. He's much cheaper.