Fly vs. human

Today we discuss a phenomenon that has baffled the scientific community for years: the curious occurrence whereby one can be outside for hours, days even, without observing a single common fly, and yet the minute the door to the house is opened even the tiniest of cracks, a fly comes from nowhere, finds the crack in the door and speeds in, then commences to zoom around the house in kamikaze fashion, having no obvious purpose other than to drive you insane.

According to a theory put forth recently (6:23 a.m. today) to explain this mysterious occurrence, flies do not actually exist without certain conditions. In a similar manner to the way tornadoes need warm, moist air, a cold front, and a state in the Midwest containing several trailer parks in order to form, flies need the following in order to become actual entities:

a) the mixture of different air masses caused by indoor air meeting outdoor air just outside an open door, OR

b) the presence of one molecule of picnic food.

When one of these conditions is met, you suddenly have Insta-Fly, which is equipped with a jet engine and the most advanced enemy-detection radar, and is able to sustain speeds of up to 16,792 mph without landing on any actual surface for weeks. Individuals pursuing the Insta-fly in their home are often found days later, weakened and near death from an ill-advised oath to kill the fly no matter what, whose hands must be pried off the flyswatter in a complicated medical procedure.

Once in the home, the Insta-Fly is attracted not only to leftover picnic food -- or anything resembling food, such as tinned ham -- but also to light. For this reason it is advised to keep all lights off in the house but one, which theoretically (as put forth at 6:37 a.m. today) will attract the fly and offer the homeowner a slim chance of isolating and swatting it. For this to be effective, however, ALL lights in the rest of the house must be kept off while the fly is at large, which may be upwards of 16 days, and family members must be continually reminded of this fact:

Family member in charge of pursuing fly (reaching into bathroom and shutting light off): I said no lights! It'll attract the fly!

Family member in bathroom: But I'm putting on my masca -- ow! It went in my eye! Turn that light back on!

Fly: Bzzzzzzzzz.

Young family member (gleefully): Too late!

Note that the fly can never be coaxed back outside, due to reasons for which there is not yet a theoretical explanation (6:52 a.m). Fortunately, Insta-Fly is made of materials that gradually break down once the initial conditions of formation fade, causing the fly to exhibit slower and slower response times until finally, no longer able to hold itself aloft, it falls directly into the tinned ham.

Finally, to cheers from family members, the exhausted fly chaser declares that, once again, lights may safely be turned on in the house. But no one, under penalty of severe torture, may ever again open an outside door.