Up, up, and awaaaaaaaay [crash]

After a winter in which all the snow that usually falls everywhere else in the world was collected and dumped directly on us, our area went directly into a season resembling the climate of Venus, which is the hottest planet in the solar system because it is inhabited solely by women of a certain age, who go there when they "need some air" (although some, like certain members of my family, go into the freezer, which is much closer and does not require a visa and flight training).

This early swelter has caused confusion in the natural world, where flowers have been blooming several weeks before their time, mosquitoes are hatching at rates enabling them to mount large-scale attacks on humans, certain individuals believe that they appear attractive in Speedos, etc.

Cicadas, who generally tune up their bands (such as "Buddy and the Wings") in August, began making appearances in June this year. Although no 17-year cicadas are scheduled to make an appearance here this year, with all the general confusion caused by the early hot weather we would not be surprised to see them.

The 17-year cicada is known primarily for three things:

1. Erratic flying (motto: "Why fly direct?")

2. Large, red, horror-movie eyes that frighten even other cicadas ("Mo-o-o-om! He's looking at me!" "Reginald, stop looking at your brother. Now.")

3. An extremely long life cycle, consisting of 99.999996% dozing and .000004% actively seeking directions to Outback Steakhouse

These cicadas appear to be made in China with whatever materials are close at hand, such as cheap plastic, because they have a tendency to just fall apart in midflight. This may also be due to the fact that, with their poor navigational skills, it takes them too long to get to wherever they are going, and they fall apart just as their warranty is running out. If they do manage to make contact with a solid object -- such as a person's head -- they break into millions of insect parts, revealing a little-known fact: Cicadas are actually insect crash dummies.

These things are 17 years in the making. Clearly, during that time they are doing nothing that will help them adapt to the new life they will have when they emerge. I would encourage the cicada world to consider using that time to build up their members' flying skills -- perhaps start a flight school, complete with an instructional manual like The Complete Cicada Guide to Improving Flight Navigation: A 17-Year Course (Illustrated with Photos and Diagrams).

With practice and proper training, cicadas might be able to learn how to fly directly from Point A to Point B without falling apart. Someday, they could even make it all the way to Venus.