Motivation by guilt

When we signed up with the computerized personal fitness system at our gym to track our exercise progress, we had to give identifying information, such as our name, weight, the fact that we are basically lazy, etc. We also, very unfortunately, gave our e-mail address, which the system is now using to make us feel guilty, as if we need any help with that.


We both received an e-mailed report of our progress last month, with helpful charts and pictures included to convey the result that we, personally, are wasting the system's time. According to my progress report, I expended a mere 6 calories at the gym for the whole month. This is equivalent, the report says, to 0.0 ice cream sundaes. The e-mail includes a cute little picture of an actual sundae, which only makes me want to eat one, not work one off.


In my defense, this report included only one visit, and that was our preliminary visit to get hooked up with the system. So of course I did not work out very hard.


But the report also says that I lifted an astounding 1,685 pounds in this one visit, equivalent to .2 African elephants! And there, in the picture included in the report, is the actual elephant I lifted. If you look very, very closely, you can see me -- I am the little dot under the front left foot, trying desperately to get out of the way before the foot comes down. That desperate attempt alone should have earned me more than 6 calories burned.


The Hero's report indicates 0.0 elephants lifted, which he disputes. He is sure he lifted at least 1.6 elephants.


"How did you lift so much?" he said.


"I think the trainer was having a little fun with the system," I said, which gave the Hero some comfort.


Another graph in the report shows the various activities I engaged in, such as walking/running and striding. I imagine that as I really get into the swing of exercising, more categories will be added, such as crawling, falling off, collapsing, etc. 


I checked out the website of the company that makes this system, and they also make wearable sensors that will track your activity throughout the day. When you are not even at the gym! Whoa. Aren't they taking this exercise thing a bit too seriously? I imagine those reports would be even more dire for someone like us. This report is being mailed to your employer, it may say, and also to your neighborhood watch team, your relatives, your local government, your church, etc. Everyone will know that you are a lazy fraud. Now get in here and lift some elephants!


To which I say, please pass me an ice cream sundae.