Newspapers are under attack these days. Readership is dropping off alarmingly, cuts have forced deep layoffs, advertisers are becoming scarce. (Except, in our area, for Crazy Jack the Multiple Car Dealership Owner [Motto: "Jack says YES!" Question: Jack never quite gets around to that part.])
When a previously loyal, subscribing customer of the newspaper starts to stray from the fold, wanting a shorter subscription, or perhaps wanting to drop the paper altogether, the customer service people are on the alert, ready to lasso the customer and, if necessary, wrestle him or her to the ground.
Here, based loosely on my own recent conversation with a newspaper customer service representative, is a telephone exchange likely to occur in the event of an attempt to cut back on one's newspaper service. I should explain, for those of you who wonder why it is necessary to talk to an actual person to change one's subscription, that it is impossible, at our newspaper anyway, to change your subscription any other way, including online, by e-mail, by snail mail, by singing telegram, by blimp, etc.
Customer: Hello, I'd like to change my newspaper delivery to Saturday/Sunday.
Service rep: Certainly, I can help you with that.
(Note: Many customer service reps, in a variety of industries, begin this way. It makes you want to ask, "Why WOULDN'T you be able to help me with that?" But probably things will go better if you do not.)
Rep: I see you are currently getting seven-day delivery. Before I go ahead and downgrade your subscription to Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, may I ask why you are downgrading?
Customer: Uh, actually I'd like just Saturday/Sunday. Well, see, we don't really read the paper that much.
Rep: Well, ma'am, what if I offered you a great deal on the seven-day delivery? Would that be enough to refrain from downgrading?
Customer: Well, not really, I just want --
Rep: I understand. But say we give you a promotional subscription cost of $19.95 for a period of 12 weeks.
Customer: Uh, I really don't think --
Rep: That would compare to the three-day delivery of $14.95 for 8 weeks. The promotional deal for seven days is obviously a better deal.
Customer: I'm sorry, what was that you said?
Rep: I said I would be happy to give you a promotional subscription of --
Customer: Yeah, that word you said really softly?
Rep: I'm not sure what --
Customer: I think it starts with a "p."
Rep: "Please"?
Customer: Promotional. I think it means I wouldn't be getting such a great deal after the 12 weeks. I'd probably be paying the same cost I am now, right? Or even more?
Rep: Oh, well, ma'am, I can assure you that you would be getting our best deal on the seven-day delivery. Would you be interested in staying with that?
Customer: It still wouldn't make me read the paper any more that I do now.
(Note: Customer service reps do not care whether you actually READ the newspaper or use it for kindling. THEY don't read it either.)
Rep (sighs heavily): Very well, I will change your subscription, as you request, to Saturday/Sunday/Wednesday.
Customer: Uh, just Saturday/Sunday, please.
Rep: Now you want to downgrade again?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Saturday/Sunday/Wednesday will be fine.
Rep: Wonderful! And should you change your mind and want to return to seven-day service --
Customer: I got it! Thank you! Gotta go!
Rep: Remember, I know where you live!
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