Where have all the stink bugs gone?

Recently, the news -- which usually leans distinctly toward the negative -- reported a very positive development in the natural world: a dramatic drop in the stink bug population in Maryland last fall. After extensive theorizing and research, stink bug scientists have come up with a very scientific explanation: "We don't know what happened to them."


But some experts speculate that, since the decline was noticed after a series of hurricanes and storms, perhaps the bugs drowned. With all due respect to these scientists, I think it's pretty clear that this is not the case. The stink bugs are not dead, they've just relocated. And it's pretty clear where they've relocated.


Our house.


We certainly did not notice a drop in their population last fall. If anything they increased, until colder weather came in and they retreated to the walls of our house. With the warm winter, they have ceased to be interested in remaining there and have been making occasional forays through the house, walking around on the kitchen ceiling, curtains, sinks, etc., occasionally stopping to ask, "Hey, ya got anything to eat around here?"


We put off getting our Christmas tree down from the attic because we were afraid stink bugs would come out, too. And then we postponed putting the tree back in the attic for the same reason. We even considered just getting a new, artificial tree every year. Maybe donate them after Christmas each year. Anything to keep from disturbing potential attic-dwellers.


But as far as scientists are concerned, so many stink bugs have disappeared that their future is unclear: "We'll have to see what the numbers are like when they come out in the spring."


"Hey, honey," I called to the Hero. "Did you know there aren't any stink bugs around until the spring?"


He offered to round some of ours up and ship them off to the scientists, with helpful little tags on them: "Camille, January 16, 7:03 a.m., laundry room." "Ronnie, February 2, 2012, 8:34 p.m., bathroom light bulb."


This would force scientists to come up with a new theory for the bugs' "disappearance." They would probably conclude that our home is the winter resort of choice -- the Florida -- for stink bugs. 


None of the scientists would say what I personally wish to hear, namely, that the stink bugs have PERMANENTLY disappeared and will never come back again, or that they have decided to hightail it back to China and stay there, or that they have been kidnapped by UFOs.


The aliens would surely give them back.