Bob, meet Bob

At our weekly Bible study meetings, our facilitator, Bob, sometimes assigns the reading of various Scripture portions to us. We are usually glad to comply with this, except for those occasions when our verses contain the names of people or places that are not, and never have been, included in the Top 10 Easiest Names to Pronounce. They might include Jegar-sahadutha, or Habazanaiah, or Nebushasi-hahban. The designated reader might deal with this by conveniently coughing at the exact same moment he or she is reading the unfortunate name ("Then the Lord saideth unto HACK HACK HACK"). In some passages that rely heavily on unpronounceable names, the only words not coughed upon might be and and the.


I notice that despite there being numerous translations of the Bible, no one seems to have hit upon the idea of updating names for today's readers, which would make things a whole lot easier. Some of the better-known names have already been Anglicized for easier reading, of course (Matthew from Mattithyahu, Peter from Kephas, meaning Foot Always in Mouth). But I think we should seriously consider changing other names, such as Joshbekesha to just plain Josh. You think his parents called him Joshbekesha? Please. 


In a recent meeting of our group, one reader came upon the names Ananias and Sapphira, in Acts 5. "I'm sorry," she said. "I don't know how to pronounce these."


"Just call them Bob," I suggested. 


She did, and it wasn't long before the real Bob began to be uncomfortable, as things do not turn out so well for these "Bobs" in Acts 5. Next someone read about Bobs "praying and fasting" in Acts 14.


"Ah," said Bob, "that's more like it."


Another reader was assigned Acts 2, which includes a great deal of nationality names that may no longer even exist, such as Medes, Elamites, Kryptonites, etc. Without hesitating, she began to plow through this list: " 'How is it that each of us hears them in his own native language? Bobs, Bobs, and more Bobs...LOTS of Bobs....' "


Although this solution to reading troublesome names may not stick, possibly it will cause Bob to think that perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea just to read all these passages himself. Either that, or change his name to Bizjothjah.