3 bedrooms, 2 baths, concrete patch

Any homeowner, whether actively searching for a new home or not, is nevertheless inclined to keep a mental list of features he or she would like in a future home. For example, we live in an old house, and we occasionally remark that it might be nice to live somewhere in which some surface -- any surface -- in the house was level. It also would be nice -- here we know we are dreaming -- to be able to open windows without the use of heavy industrial equipment.

Quite by accident I have discovered an important feature of homes that most of us have likely overlooked. This came to my attention via a new cookbook, which is strictly about vegetables. In addition to recipes the book offers numerous helpful hints, such as "the best thing you can say about a rutabaga is that it is not a turnip." *

In the section on squash, the author acknowledges the difficulty of separating some types of very hard squashes from their skins and inside contents. Some, she warns, "require a cleaver (or an ax) to do the job." For the hardest of squashes, her solemn advice is: "Drop it on a concrete floor or paved driveway."

So here we have a vital piece of information for home-seekers. Obviously the home with a concrete surface offers a considerable advantage over one that does not, at least among those buyers who frequently attack large, unwieldy squashes and need a safe manner of doing so:

Female Buyer (looking at prospective new home): "Oh, Henry, it's PERRRRFECT...but there's no -- if only it had -- even a TINY section of concrete."

Henry (to agent): "I'm sorry, we couldn't think of taking it. Ha ha, you know how it is, with squashes and all..."

Having dispensed its advice, the cookbook does not address the issue of, once the squash is opened, how to scrape the contents off the concrete surface in a relatively hygienic manner. Presumably, once one is proficient at the cracking-open aspect, one knows exactly how much force to apply to pry open the squash but keep the contents intact (something like F = p x hy, where p = the smashing power of two arms held overhead and violently thrown in a downward motion, and hy = "hi-ya!").

An indoor patch of concrete will be particularly important if you are looking to purchase a home in a community with a homeowners' association, which is likely to frown on the use of HOA-owned driveways and streets for the destruction of dinner items. Search the HOA rule book to be sure; you will probably find an Article 3856217, which will state that "Under no circumstances are hard-surfaced Common Areas to be littered with the organic remains of Members' squashes..."

With any luck, however, they won't mention axes or cleavers.

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*Personally I think the best thing you can say about a rutabaga is..."rutabaga," because it's just fun to say.