Ahh, spring has finally arrived, assuring us that the long, cold, bleak winter we have just passed through is but a dim memory that can no longer hold sway over us.
SOMEWHERE in the world this is true. Just not here. Not yet. Winter has been, and continues to be, a Long, Cold, and Bleak tyrant that will not easily give up power. And we know who's to blame...
March 26, 2014 Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. In the early hours Monday, Punxsutawney Phil was awakened from sleep by a group of East Coast residents weary of the long, harsh winter.
"Psst! Phil! Come up here!"
"Go away," said a high-pitched voice from below the ground. "He's sleeping."
"We need him!" the residents urged.
A sleepy Phil finally emerged to face the crowd, blinking against the glare of flashlights. "What can I do for you?" he said.
"On Groundhog Day you said there'd be six more weeks of winter!" someone cried. "Dude, it's been, like, six MONTHS!"
A soft wailing could be heard among the group.
Phil sighed. "If you'll look at my record, ladies and gentlemen, you'll see that my observations are not accurate very often. I never signed up for this gig, you know. And it's only supposed to be for one day. So what do you want me to do about it now?"
"We want a redo, Phil," one man said.
"Told you you shoulda kept sleeping," his wife whispered from below.
Phil tried to be patient. "Look, it doesn't work like that. I can't CHANGE the weather, only predict it."
"And not even THAT very well," someone muttered.
Phil looked reproachful.
"Please, Phil, we're all so sick of winter. The constant shoveling. The cold. Our kids are gonna be in school all the way 'til they have to back in August. Just do a quick prognostication right now. Please? Look around. Do you see your shadow?"
"It's still dark," Phil pointed out. "I can't TELL if there are any shadows or not."
"Well, THAT must mean something!" someone said.
"Yeah, technically Phil didn't see his shadow!" another said. "Hurray! Winter's on its way out!"
Shouts of jubilation went up among the crowd, and they turned to leave. "Thanks, Phil!" a few said. "Happy spring! See you next year!"
Someday, Phil mused, the record would be set straight. On this day, March 26, 2014, he had seen neither the presence nor the absence of his shadow. With all those flashlights in his face, he wasn't sure he'd ever see ANYTHING again. But maybe it didn't really matter, this prognostication business.
"Denise," he said to his wife as he descended back into his warm hole, "where are those brochures you've been collecting on Florida...?"
2 comments:
I'm assuming that today's blizzard-like conditions were the result of SOMEONE waking Punxsutawney Phil's wife. Please let sleeping groundhogs lie.....
Actually, it has been determined by co-workers that the cause of this season's decidedly wintry weather is due to my neglecting to remove a few pictures at work of scenes that could be considered wintry (if you count snowmen made of mushrooms sliding down an imaginary hill on string beans "wintry").
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